DH talks multiple times a day to a woman he used to work with

[Anonymous]

For many months now my husband has been in communication multiple times a day with a woman he used to work with. They were on a project together that she left I think about a year ago, and that he remained on. They do not work for the same company.

He is constantly taking, texting, and emailing her, frequently late into the night. He claims he’s just talking to her about work, but I hear them giggling constantly with inside jokes, doing the whole “No you hang up!” It make me cringe. Sometimes he goes out on the front stoop to talk to her where I can’t hear.

She moved away from the town we live in months ago, not sure when. She no longer supports the project he’s working on, but still works for that company so he claims she’s just helping him with insights on it. The project they both work on just ended so I have no clue what they still need to be in contact for.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t think he ever cheated but it feels like he’s going to her for something he’s not getting in the marriage. He’s had some issues disclosing his true feelings and communication with an ex before so I wouldn’t put it past him to be falling into old habits. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

That’s not a work thing.

[Anonymous]

Advice: Talk to him. Tell him you’re not okay with him spending so much time and energy connecting with another woman. If he says that “she’s just a friend,” tell him then he should have no problem with you being in the room when he’s talking with her and showing you his phone communications with her. If there’s nothing going on, then he should be an open book.

If he can’t do that, then call him out for engaging in an emotional affair. Energy that he is putting in to connecting with her is energy that is being drained from the relationship he has with you.

[Anonymous]

Completely inappropriate. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Man here, and his behavior strikes me as wholly inappropriate, and it seems obvious that, at a minimum, they are having an emotional affair, if not a physical affair. I know my wife wouldn’t tolerate it so why do you? You say you don’t know what to do, but it seems obvious to me, which is that you demand it stop, although there’s a real possibility they take it underground. My guess is you are hesitant to act because you fear the consequences, but at some point you’ve got to have some self-respect. This is hurting you and it’s taking time, energy, and emotional investment away from your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I should clarify that he does take her calls sometimes in front of me. But many other times they are not, and the late night texts and calls that are going on that I’m not in the room for are what make me uncomfortable. And the flirting. There was once I was upstairs and heard him giggling and doing “hiyeee, no you hang up!” and thought he was being goofy with his brother. I came down and asked who it was thinking I’d get to say hi to my BIL but it was her. It feels like he thinks that since he’s somewhat open about his communications with her that everything is fine. But it still makes me really uncomfortable and sad. I’d never act this way with a male colleague, it wouldn’t even cross my mind. He introduced her to our toddler the other day via Skype and it just felt like too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I should clarify that he does take her calls sometimes in front of me. But many other times they are not, and the late night texts and calls that are going on that I’m not in the room for are what make me uncomfortable. And the flirting. There was once I was upstairs and heard him giggling and doing “hiyeee, no you hang up!” and thought he was being goofy with his brother. I came down and asked who it was thinking I’d get to say hi to my BIL but it was her. It feels like he thinks that since he’s somewhat open about his communications with her that everything is fine. But it still makes me really uncomfortable and sad. I’d never act this way with a male colleague, it wouldn’t even cross my mind. He introduced her to our toddler the other day via Skype and it just felt like too much.

Time to grow a pair, honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I should clarify that he does take her calls sometimes in front of me. But many other times they are not, and the late night texts and calls that are going on that I’m not in the room for are what make me uncomfortable. And the flirting. There was once I was upstairs and heard him giggling and doing “hiyeee, no you hang up!” and thought he was being goofy with his brother. I came down and asked who it was thinking I’d get to say hi to my BIL but it was her. It feels like he thinks that since he’s somewhat open about his communications with her that everything is fine. But it still makes me really uncomfortable and sad. I’d never act this way with a male colleague, it wouldn’t even cross my mind. He introduced her to our toddler the other day via Skype and it just felt like too much.

So what’s stopping you from saying that this is too much, that you’re uncomfortable with it, that it’s flirting? I’m going to assume that you are a smart, reasonable person. Take the advice you would give a friend. You can tell him to stop this without being an insecure shrew. His behavior is inappropriate. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

wow, this is not ok. You need to say something.

[Anonymous]

Honey, ramp up your bedroom game. Stat.

[Anonymous]

They're probably not physical or he'd be hiding it more. If you bring this up, he's going to say - we're just friends. Can't a man have a woman friend?

If it were me, I would develop a friendship of my own with a "work husband". Nothing teaches that lesson faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're probably not physical or he'd be hiding it more. If you bring this up, he's going to say - we're just friends. Can't a man have a woman friend?

If it were me, I would develop a friendship of my own with a "work husband". Nothing teaches that lesson faster.

So you’ve had quite a bit of experience with dysfunctional relationships, yes? You might want to sit out on the relationship advice gig.

[Anonymous]

I am in the minority who believe that there can be opposite sex friendships HOWEVER there must be boundaries and things like flirting "nooo, you hang up" are not within those boundaries. Late night texting and going to a place where you cannot hear him are also not okay. That's my take on it. Better to put your foot down now and have him break off an EA before it turns into a PA. He also needs to be honest (at least to himself) about his feelings. It's natural to enjoy flirting but you have to be able to self monitor and realize that it's getting out of hand. This is not a smile at a pretty lady at the bank.... it's repeated long term phone calls and texts. Too much.

[Anonymous]

I would just flat out ask him if he is aware that he is having an emotional affair and what he plans to do to put an end to it. If you leave him any wiggle room he will deny (“we’re just friends”, “we just talk sometimes”, whatever other garbage he comes up with).

[Anonymous]

I've had more than one "work husband" and we never talked late at night, unless we were working on a deadline or something. Frankly, I always got plenty of them at work. The boundary crossing was always more like, I know his daughter got her period or I know it takes him 20 minutes to poop after breakfast because I was waiting in the hotel lobby and we were late to the meeting. It was never flirty - most business travel is lame. There's nothing romantic about an airport Chili's Too.