If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?

[Anonymous]

I've heard people say its almost as painful when your parents divorce as an adult as when it happens to a kid. Is that really the case? I see how it'd be logistically a PITA to have places to visit / make time for and of course if its unilateral its awful to watch a parent suffer. But if my parents sat me down at 26 and said "We had the shared goal of raising you in a loving family and that brought us together for many happy years, but not that its just the two of us, we've realized we have different ways we want to spend the next several decades of our lives, so we're going to do that separately"...i just wouldn't see being that upset

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the reasons for the divorce. DH’s parents divorced when he was 30. He’s an only child and was put smack in the middle of their war.

His dad cheated on his mom. His mom is a narcissist and did everything she could to nuke DH’s relationship with his dad. She made DH feel like he had to protect her and take her side.

Almost 20 years later, both are remarried, but DH is still feeling the repercussions.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be ok with it at all. I would be done with both of them.

[Anonymous]

My parents separated, years later divorced. I'm not sure what would have been worse but my Dad never took responsibility and eventually because of how both acted and treated me, I lost all respect and don't have a relationship with either one of them. I was in the middle of the war for years till I finally had enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be ok with it at all. I would be done with both of them.

WTF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've heard people say its almost as painful when your parents divorce as an adult as when it happens to a kid. Is that really the case? I see how it'd be logistically a PITA to have places to visit / make time for and of course if its unilateral its awful to watch a parent suffer. But if my parents sat me down at 26 and said "We had the shared goal of raising you in a loving family and that brought us together for many happy years, but not that its just the two of us, we've realized we have different ways we want to spend the next several decades of our lives, so we're going to do that separately"...i just wouldn't see being that upset

I don’t think divorce after many decades goes as smoothly as it does in your theoretical scenario, nor do parents jointly and lovingly craft the message in the way you’re describing.

The “gray” divorces I’ve seen, anecdotally of course, have included things like financial ruin for one or both parties, untreated mental illness coming home to roost, substance abuse or regular abuse by one member of the couple that the other partner could no longer take, adult children being expected to take sides, infidelity, the list goes on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be ok with it at all. I would be done with both of them.

And if you get divorced, should your family disown you?

Fair is fair...

[Anonymous]

It makes it harder on kids when divorced parents age. The divorced parents need more help in old age when not together because they don’t have each other to lean on. They most likely have less resources because of the divorce. Also, settling estates are much more complicated especially if there are step parents involved. I just thank god my parents married 62 yrs never divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes it harder on kids when divorced parents age. The divorced parents need more help in old age when not together because they don’t have each other to lean on. They most likely have less resources because of the divorce. Also, settling estates are much more complicated especially if there are step parents involved. I just thank god my parents married 62 yrs never divorced.

This. It's really, really hard. I'm living it now. Younger people are often okay with the divorce but they don't really understand what they're in for. Nobody should stay married for the convenience of their children, but I do think anyone considering divorce would do well to realistically consider their finances and social support networks. You simply can't expect the level of support and attention from adult children that you would get if there were only one place to visit and one household to manage.

It can be traumatizing to find out that the marriage of your childhood was a facade, but that isn't always the case. Sometimes people are happily married (or happy enough) and then things fall apart later-- doesn't mean the childhood was a lie.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was in my early 20s and it's still pretty awful in my late 30s. It started with the emotional burden of having to support each parent separately - both parents were depressed and had trouble rebuilding their lives for 7+ years. Both have financial challenges. Both have had new relationship challenges and new spouse challenges, and there are not clear boundaries for how much they share/overshare and rely on their adult children for advice and support. One of the new spouses is an absolute nightmare and has ruined my relationship with that parent.

It is absolutely logistically challenging to split time between the parents and there are battles and hurt feelings when it's not precisely, perfectly equal. Also, if you have a partner whose parents are married, how do you divide time between your partner's 2 parents who are together, and your 2 parents who are apart (3 sets of parents)?

It's awful and I hate it. I feel like my life and my parents' lives and my siblings lives would have all been so much better if they could have just figured out a way to stay together. One of my parents didn't try hard enough to make it work, and it took me a decade to realize it was the one who looked like the victim at the beginning.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when my brother and I were adults, Mom initiated it. I was totally OK with it, my brother took it harder. FWIW, he is the one on the West Coast while I am in the same town where the parents are, so any caregiving is likely to fall on me.

THe parents, however, have been good about their split. Mom is still listed as next of kin on all dad’s medical forms, and she goes with him to the appointments (she is a bit younger and in much better shape physically)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be ok with it at all. I would be done with both of them.

This right here is why it's important for parents to teach their kids that the entire world doesn't revolve around them every day, hour, year, forever.

[Anonymous]

My parents separated when I was in my late 20s. One parent filed for divorce, but they eventually got back together. It was a horrible thing to go through. It felt like the foundation of my life was kicked out from under me. It was really disruptive in all areas of my life. I even postponed trying to get pregnant by a year because I needed time to take care of myself.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I moved to a different city b/c I got into a magnet school when I was 11(I'm not from the US). They would fight terribly every time we got back together. They finally divorced when I was in my late 20s. I don't actually even remember what year they divorced now. I was okay with it at first but now have become the middle man. I hate it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's better as an adult. I'm more able to cope with it. Look at it this way-- you're going to be an adult child of divorce either way. Would you like to also be a minor child of divorce too, with joint custody and everything? It's A, or A+B. Which is worse? I say A is better than A+B.

It's upsetting when your parents behave badly, or when you dislike their new partners, or they behave irrationally and start banging all their friends. It's hard when you have to choose between your parents on holidays, and every visit contains a new partner and potentially their children, who you might not like. Or when they blow off your children in favor of their step-grandchildren. Or when they're making bad financial decisions. Divorce is not just a personal, emotional decision. It's a practical decision with practical implications for the whole family.