If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?

[Anonymous]

I was 22 — still in college. Adult enough to be dumped on with full gory details and smart enough to put the details together to see the whole picture of what I had grown up with.

It was super hard but probably not as bad as if I’d been 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father and stepmother divorced when I was an adult. I stayed out of it, and it was no big deal to me.

My dad sent me a package in the mail saying the divorce was final, here were the new keys to his house, here was the new alarm code, and I was the backup person on all his bank docs.

Stepparent divorcing your parent is not the same.

[Anonymous]

I was 27 when I discovered my dad was cheating on my mom. I posted about it here many years ago when I found out. It was horrible. It’s years later and things haven’t gotten better, just the same bad in different ways. My dad was a high earner and my mom was not. My dad moved across the country to be with the other woman. My mom is still destroyed years later. I’m trying to rebuild the relationship with my parents but it sucks. I can never trust or fully forgive my dad for what he did, and I resent my mom (and also blame myself) for being so codependent on me in the early months after he moved out. My youngest sibling was 19 when it happened and were all just sick of the drama, the sadness, the lies, and miss what our family was for the majority of our lives. I wish my dad had died instead of cheated/left my mom because at least it would be over. He now tries to make us meet up with him and the other woman, tries to encourage us to get over the divorce. Our mom resents him and hates what he did to her but tries to encourage us to stay in touch with him but we get “punished” if we do.

[Anonymous]

It made me angry only because they should have done it YEARS earlier, and we would have benefited from it if they hadn't stayed together "for the kids." Truly terrible modeling. But they acted in a way they thought best with the coping mechanisms they had.

[Anonymous]

DH’s parents divorced when he was 28. His mom remarried a few years later, around when we had our first child. Her new husband had middle school age kids. She became a step mom, all in. Family vacations, holiday traditions, etc. Her kids were never included in all this- they had their own families. When we visit for holidays she cooks her step kids favorite foods. Pictures of their “family” all over the house. It is weird. Also, DHs dad got sick and passed a few years ago. Burden was all on him and his siblings.

It was extremely painful and still is. Him and his sisters went to therapy about it all- for a variety of reasons.

[Anonymous]

a close friend found out in her thirties her father was living a double life with another woman. She’s never been the same. Just something about her is more strained and maybe you wouldn’t notice, but I’ve known her since we were kids so I can see it. She’s not as confident and put together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was really tough for my best friend. Her parents waited until their youngest graduated from high school. She was the oldest. She was 25 when they finally divorced. I remember her saying when she was 11 that she knew her parents would divorce. I witnessed some terrible fights in their home. When they finally did divorce, she said she felt like her entire life was a lie. She wishes they had divorced when she was little. It really fuked her up for a while. She is 52 now and has been married for 20 years. Three amazing kids. She is still in therapy and she will not have any contact with her her father at all. He has never met her children.

You -- not a child of this couple -- witnessed some terrible fights in her home but she was blindsided when her parents finally divorced and is still in therapy over it decades later?

[Anonymous]

They divorced after I graduated college and it really messed me up

Almost ruined my own marriage

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was kid 20s. It didn’t really affect me. We had some drama when my father remarried. We had a big family meeting and we kids basically told the parents to handle their own shit. My father talked to his wife. My mom pulled the drama together, ever so briefly. We told them we weren’t having separate birthday parties. Everyone was invited and they needed to decide if they were going to join us. Whatever drama ensued was their problem.

Our mother was/is abusive, so us siblings have a strong bond, and limited tolerance for BS. Those skills came in handy during all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My parents divorced when I was kid 20s. It didn’t really affect me.

We had some drama when my father remarried. We had a big family meeting and we kids basically told the parents to handle their own shit. My father talked to his wife. My mom pulled the drama together, ever so briefly. We told them we weren’t having separate birthday parties. Everyone was invited and they needed to decide if they were going to join us. Whatever drama ensued was their problem.

Our mother was/is abusive, so us siblings have a strong bond, and limited tolerance for BS. Those skills came in handy during all of it.

Same as bold.

Dad had a GF for years, no one suspected until the day he announced when I left for college. They weren't the perfect couple, but nothing out of the normal during my childhood - so I'm grateful for that.
Years after, we (incl mom) are friendly with the GF.