I'm never going to get married and have children, am I?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman in my 30s.

Attractive, slender, gainfully employed, have my own hobbies and interests, but repeatedly strike out when it comes to relationships. It usually either fizzles out. Sometimes I'm the one who wants something serious and the man wants something casual. Sometimes the man wants something serious and I'm just not feeling it. Sometimes things go well and then the guy gets a job on the other side of the country. Whatever the reason, I haven't found the right person.

Except I did meet someone who I started to date and it looked promising. We met in February. And uh...now you know the end of the story. Social distancing killed it. Sure, we text back and forth and have video chatted a few times, but it's really hard to grow a relationship when you can't be physically together.

Anyway, what worries me is the idea that "social distancing" could go on indefinitely. As in, for a year and a half until we develop and distribute a vaccine, and then who knows what. It would be one thing if this were sure to be over by June, or hell, even August... but to need to stay six feet away from people you don't already live with... for the foreseeable future... looks pretty grim for an unmarried woman over 30.

Will the pandemic outlast my fertility window? And no, I'm not focused on nailing down this particular person that I started dating and intent on him wifing me up. As I said, it's kind of over before it even started. I'm speaking more broadly here, do we need to take a PROLONGED time out on dating/mating/courtship, potentially taking me til age 35?

[Anonymous]

You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?

[Anonymous]

Now is a perfect time to work on whatever your issues are.

[Anonymous]

If you've both been isolated for weeks with no symptoms, you could get together. Yes, the risk is not zero, but personally I'd think it's close enough.

[Anonymous]

I think a traditional “courtship” without physical touching is one way people around the world fall in love. There’s no reason your relationship with this guy is over, OP, unless you want it to be over.

And now is a good time to figure out if you have been sabotaging your relationships.

[Anonymous]

You listed all these great qualities that should have had you married by now. Time to invest in the bad qualities and how to fix them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?

This pp is right. You should work with a therapist to examine why you are making choices that don't work. I say this as someone who found unavailable men to pine after. I finally through therapy came to grips with the fact that intimacy really scared me so I was making choices that would help me avoid intimacy. I'm married now. Got married at 34 and had a kid at 38. But I wouldn't have gotten there without therapy.

It's not too late for you, OP, but you need to take some responsibility for your situation and you need to do some work on yourself. Best of luck to you. I hope you figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?

I'm being completely intellectually honest with myself when I say it's been bad luck or situational and that it's been a numbers game. I've had men interested in me. I've been interested in men. When it's mutual, there's some factor like transience or other external circumstances. I don't discriminate based on race, age (within reason), income, profession, height, or weight. Compatibility and mutual feelings and kindness are what matter to me. Friends just tell me it's a numbers game. I'd say 2/3 times someone I meet just isn't sure where they're at in life and whether they're in a position to pursue a LTR. Not to say I haven't made my own mistakes; it's taken me years to gauge when it's too soon to give my heart away versus when I'm not giving someone enough of a chance.

Now I feel like I have to start all over again.

If I have to wait until the vaccine is out to date people again, I will be almost 34.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I got married at 34 and had kids at 36 and 38 (no IVF, happy healthy kids, smooth pregnancies). I'm sorry things didn't work out with your guy but I wouldn't panic just yet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?

I'm being completely intellectually honest with myself when I say it's been bad luck or situational and that it's been a numbers game. I've had men interested in me. I've been interested in men. When it's mutual, there's some factor like transience or other external circumstances. I don't discriminate based on race, age (within reason), income, profession, height, or weight. Compatibility and mutual feelings and kindness are what matter to me. Friends just tell me it's a numbers game. I'd say 2/3 times someone I meet just isn't sure where they're at in life and whether they're in a position to pursue a LTR. Not to say I haven't made my own mistakes; it's taken me years to gauge when it's too soon to give my heart away versus when I'm not giving someone enough of a chance.

Now I feel like I have to start all over again.

If I have to wait until the vaccine is out to date people again, I will be almost 34.

Girl, I was married at 27, divorced at 31, remarried at 34. There are guys out there. When someone is in their 30s and not married there is a reason. Look at what hasn’t worked and fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?

I'm being completely intellectually honest with myself when I say it's been bad luck or situational and that it's been a numbers game. I've had men interested in me. I've been interested in men. When it's mutual, there's some factor like transience or other external circumstances. I don't discriminate based on race, age (within reason), income, profession, height, or weight. Compatibility and mutual feelings and kindness are what matter to me. Friends just tell me it's a numbers game. I'd say 2/3 times someone I meet just isn't sure where they're at in life and whether they're in a position to pursue a LTR. Not to say I haven't made my own mistakes; it's taken me years to gauge when it's too soon to give my heart away versus when I'm not giving someone enough of a chance.

Now I feel like I have to start all over again.

If I have to wait until the vaccine is out to date people again, I will be almost 34.

What are your mistakes?

[Anonymous]

Why are you dating people who aren’t on the same page?

[Anonymous]

“Sometimes the guy wants something more serious and I’m just not feeling it.”

Why not? You need to be picking from the men who want to marry you.

I’m not saying settle, but you need to be reasonable with your expectations of what a good man is. And also not to expect fireworks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to look at why things don’t work out. You have every excuse that’s external. What are you working on re yourself? How old exactly are you now?

I'm being completely intellectually honest with myself when I say it's been bad luck or situational and that it's been a numbers game. I've had men interested in me. I've been interested in men. When it's mutual, there's some factor like transience or other external circumstances. I don't discriminate based on race, age (within reason), income, profession, height, or weight. Compatibility and mutual feelings and kindness are what matter to me. Friends just tell me it's a numbers game. I'd say 2/3 times someone I meet just isn't sure where they're at in life and whether they're in a position to pursue a LTR. Not to say I haven't made my own mistakes; it's taken me years to gauge when it's too soon to give my heart away versus when I'm not giving someone enough of a chance.

Now I feel like I have to start all over again.

If I have to wait until the vaccine is out to date people again, I will be almost 34.

What are your mistakes?

In my 20s... giving too much benefit of the doubt when guys were clearly just interested in sex, thinking that they'll change their minds and want a relationship and that I'd live happily-ever-after, because that's what everyone does, right? /s Basically wasting time hoping the wrong people would come around.

In my 30s... doing the opposite. Being almost cold at times, being too guarded, not wanting to take risks.

My main thing is that I just don't do hookups. I don't want to have sex with someone if we're only sort of dating. I know myself too well; if I have sex with someone, I get all the oxytocin and want to be with the person. I cannot detach myself from sex. It's something I've learned over the years and I can't change it (nor should I?) So I've probably sent some cold, standoffish or disinterested signals to potential partners when they seem to want to take me back to their apartment on the third date.

Well, it looks like there's no risk in that these days, at least!

Anyways, I feel like only this past year I've just come around and found a happy medium in dating. I've gotten a better feel for red flags versus good intentions and good compatibility. It's taken me til age 32 to really figure this out, and alas...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sometimes the guy wants something more serious and I’m just not feeling it.”

Why not? You need to be picking from the men who want to marry you.

I’m not saying settle, but you need to be reasonable with your expectations of what a good man is. And also not to expect fireworks.

Also, marriage is about a state of mind—not the right person.