DH's lack of independence is so unattractive

[Anonymous]

My DH of 3 years comes from a family of co-dependence. His parents really don't have much going on outside of each other, and his dad literally could not live life and make sh*t happen without his mom. This has been transferred to my DH. Things have gotten a TAD better over the years, but today reminded me of his dependency on me and I got super annoyed.

We switched cable/internet providers and the technician is in the garage setting up the new cables. The electrical outlet that the technican needs to use in the garage is loose. My DH has changed an outlet before in our home (with my help) and he asks me today to come into the garage with him and the technician to help him change the outlet because "he doesn't remember how to do it". Meanwhile, we have a toddler and an 8 year old in the house who are getting ready for breakfast.

Why can't this man FIGURE OUT / remember how to change the outlet? Find a YouTube video and get it done! On top of that, he raises his voice at me and I'm sure the tech could hear him. I'm just super annoyed right now and needed to vent.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same way. He won’t approach strangers and he makes me do it (to ask a question at the store for example). Maybe that’s why he likes a dominant woman.

[Anonymous]

"I'm busy right now honey, please look it up online and figure it out".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is the same way. He won’t approach strangers and he makes me do it (to ask a question at the store for example). Maybe that’s why he likes a dominant woman.

OP here. I'm glad it works for the two of you! It drives me nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm busy right now honey, please look it up online and figure it out".

OP here. I just hate that after I say something like that, he gets an attitude/upset.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Same same. It definitely comes from growing up with that kind of dynamic. My FIL was a distinguished doctor but could not function without MIL. All he could do was his job. Couldn't cook, had no idea of finances, like had no idea where he had a bank account or credit cards or how to file taxes. MIL would give him a credit card, he'd use it and she'd take care of the rest.

DH isn't quite that bad but he expects me to be his assistant in every way. Like the other day, he had to submit a form to get paid for some independent consulting work he did (he has a salaried job, this was just a side thing). He wanted me to do it -- it "looked too complicated". Like basically it had too many words on it, so he threw up his hands and called his wife. Dude, there were a lot of words because there were explicit instructions and explanations for each section to be filled out. It was the simplest thing imaginable.

You're right, it is unattractive.

[Anonymous]

How does he do at work?




Managers often have to deal with this kind of lack of initiative. It can be changed with coaching / mentoring.

[Anonymous]

This pandemic has been good for us to break that dynamic. DH always wanted to go grocery shopping as a family with three young kids. Sure, it’s possible but why?!? Now he’s seeing how it’s easier to do it alone and he has had to learn to do other things too.

Stay strong, OP! Our dynamic definitely is still me as CEO but DH is likely to get promoted from intern to junior (or even senior!) associate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm busy right now honey, please look it up online and figure it out".

OP here. I just hate that after I say something like that, he gets an attitude/upset.

And he's using that against you. Think of him like you think of your children. When you tell your young kids to not do something, they'll get an attitude/upset. But you ignore that because you know what you're doing is better for them in the long run. Do the same with your DH. He's acting like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he do at work?




Managers often have to deal with this kind of lack of initiative. It can be changed with coaching / mentoring.

That’s a weird dynamic for a marriage and doesn’t change that Op would still be the boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm busy right now honey, please look it up online and figure it out".

OP here. I just hate that after I say something like that, he gets an attitude/upset.

And he's using that against you. Think of him like you think of your children. When you tell your young kids to not do something, they'll get an attitude/upset. But you ignore that because you know what you're doing is better for them in the long run. Do the same with your DH. He's acting like a child.

+1. Just like you love your kids, you obviously love your DH. So be kind yet firm. He's probably afraid to do things because he lacks self confidence. As you let him do more things, he will build that confidence. That's the only way to make the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is the same way. He won’t approach strangers and he makes me do it (to ask a question at the store for example). Maybe that’s why he likes a dominant woman.

What??! He won’t approach strangers? That is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is the same way. He won’t approach strangers and he makes me do it (to ask a question at the store for example). Maybe that’s why he likes a dominant woman.

This gives me hope my kid dates and marries a dominant
To OP you are not such a catch either if you had to settle.. you knew this trait going in. Trying to change a personality is a big uphill battle. Better to make peace if your DH is otherwise a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

Who here had an outlet discussion with their spouse prior to marriage?