DH's lack of independence is so unattractive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This pandemic has been good for us to break that dynamic. DH always wanted to go grocery shopping as a family with three young kids. Sure, it’s possible but why?!? Now he’s seeing how it’s easier to do it alone and he has had to learn to do other things too.

Stay strong, OP! Our dynamic definitely is still me as CEO but DH is likely to get promoted from intern to junior (or even senior!) associate!

OP here. Wow, this describes us too! He always wants to do grocery trips together, with the kids! It's beyond frustrating! I also have been doing it on my own since COVID-19 and it's lovely! The funny thing is, he excels professionally. It's just at home he becomes a manchild!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same same. It definitely comes from growing up with that kind of dynamic. My FIL was a distinguished doctor but could not function without MIL. All he could do was his job. Couldn't cook, had no idea of finances, like had no idea where he had a bank account or credit cards or how to file taxes. MIL would give him a credit card, he'd use it and she'd take care of the rest.

DH isn't quite that bad but he expects me to be his assistant in every way. Like the other day, he had to submit a form to get paid for some independent consulting work he did (he has a salaried job, this was just a side thing). He wanted me to do it -- it "looked too complicated". Like basically it had too many words on it, so he threw up his hands and called his wife. Dude, there were a lot of words because there were explicit instructions and explanations for each section to be filled out. It was the simplest thing imaginable.

You're right, it is unattractive.

OP here. Your in-laws perfectly describes my in-laws. What your DH asked you to do the other day is exactly what my DH would ask of me. And honestly, it's not that my DH is dumb and can't do it. He just asks me because it's easier. He also feels the need to include me on every single decision, no matter how small it is, which I think stems from him not wanting to be blamed if it goes wrong/not as planned. It feels good to know I'm not the only one :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he do at work?




Managers often have to deal with this kind of lack of initiative. It can be changed with coaching / mentoring.

He does very well at work. He's not a manager, but he is a great individual contributor and is constantly praised for doing such a great job, figuring things out, etc. Total opposite of what happens at home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

OP here. It's not all bad with my DH, I just get frustrated with this trait that he has. I'm not saying it's his job to fix the loose outlet, but if he's already been working with the cable guy, and I'm upstairs managing the kids, why come upstairs and ask me to help, leaving the kids on their own, without even trying to do it on your own first? I could see if he tried and couldn't figure it out, so he came to ask me if I might be able to figure it out. But no, he didn't even try, his first thought was to come get me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

OP here. It's not all bad with my DH, I just get frustrated with this trait that he has. I'm not saying it's his job to fix the loose outlet, but if he's already been working with the cable guy, and I'm upstairs managing the kids, why come upstairs and ask me to help, leaving the kids on their own, without even trying to do it on your own first? I could see if he tried and couldn't figure it out, so he came to ask me if I might be able to figure it out. But no, he didn't even try, his first thought was to come get me.

Because he lacks self-confidence. He thinks he'll screw it up and embarrass himself in front of the cable guy. Next time you do something, when it's just you and him, encourage him to do it on his own, while you watch. It's like a mommy bird teaching a baby bird how to fly. You just have to stand there and push him out of the nest. When he cries, you have to be firm and say that you won't do it, but you are willing to stand next to him and answer any questions he might have. As he slowly builds his confidence, he won't ask you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

OP here. It's not all bad with my DH, I just get frustrated with this trait that he has. I'm not saying it's his job to fix the loose outlet, but if he's already been working with the cable guy, and I'm upstairs managing the kids, why come upstairs and ask me to help, leaving the kids on their own, without even trying to do it on your own first? I could see if he tried and couldn't figure it out, so he came to ask me if I might be able to figure it out. But no, he didn't even try, his first thought was to come get me.

Did he offer to manage the kids while you dealt with the cable guy? If not, did you ask him? I'm the more handy person in my family, so when repair people come, I'm the one who handles everything, while DH is responsible for watching the kids, cooking, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

OP here. It's not all bad with my DH, I just get frustrated with this trait that he has. I'm not saying it's his job to fix the loose outlet, but if he's already been working with the cable guy, and I'm upstairs managing the kids, why come upstairs and ask me to help, leaving the kids on their own, without even trying to do it on your own first? I could see if he tried and couldn't figure it out, so he came to ask me if I might be able to figure it out. But no, he didn't even try, his first thought was to come get me.

He does this because you let him. If you don't stop it, it's because you secretly like having him so dependent on you.

[Anonymous]

My DH is kind of like this (And sooooo NOT handy). I’ve put my foot down and just tell him to YouTube it.

[Anonymous]

Peg him as punishment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

OP here. It's not all bad with my DH, I just get frustrated with this trait that he has. I'm not saying it's his job to fix the loose outlet, but if he's already been working with the cable guy, and I'm upstairs managing the kids, why come upstairs and ask me to help, leaving the kids on their own, without even trying to do it on your own first? I could see if he tried and couldn't figure it out, so he came to ask me if I might be able to figure it out. But no, he didn't even try, his first thought was to come get me.

Why are you on here complaining then? No one is perfect. Let it gooooooooo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is the same way. He won’t approach strangers and he makes me do it (to ask a question at the store for example). Maybe that’s why he likes a dominant woman.

My DH is like this too. He’s slightly socially awkward.

But he can basically fix anything in this house so I let it slide.

[Anonymous]

Are there other examples? Sounds like you made a sweeping generalization in your subject line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him? You note that it's gotten better over the years so this trait didn't just emerge. You were well aware of it before you got married. Why is it your DH's job to fix the loose outlet? Is that something you two agreed he'd do before you got married? He isn't the only one who has traits that are unattractive.

I was high the whole
Time we were dating. /s

[Anonymous]

OP in the case you described I would have called out 'sweetie- please can you come here- I need you!' and when he arrived I would have said 'do NOT raise your voice at me especially in front of someone else. Switch- I'm going out to go fix that, YOU please pick up where I left off with feeding the kids' and I would have used the time away for both of us to cool down.

And if sex is in any way an issue in your home, I'd explain that it's hard be interested in sex with someone who acts like a toddler and doesn't have basic respect down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP in the case you described I would have called out 'sweetie- please can you come here- I need you!' and when he arrived I would have said 'do NOT raise your voice at me especially in front of someone else. Switch- I'm going out to go fix that, YOU please pick up where I left off with feeding the kids' and I would have used the time away for both of us to cool down.

And if sex is in any way an issue in your home, I'd explain that it's hard be interested in sex with someone who acts like a toddler and doesn't have basic respect down.

Withhold sex. Brilliant. Somehow I think OP already went in that direction long ago.

I have a better, more mature idea. OP, just get a divorce right now. Face it: you married a chump. You are not attracted to him. You have no respect for him. He sounds like an incompetent man-child. Another pitiful Homer Simpson character, just like his father. No wonder you haven’t wanted sex (with him) in years! Who can blame you?

So.... leave! Free yourself from this bumbling idiot. Better that your kids have 50% of their time with you, a proper adult, instead of full-time exposure to thier worthless loser dad. Divorce now to prevent raising another generation of Homer Simpsons.