Do you call stubbornness resilience? Or obsession?

[Anonymous]

DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

[Anonymous]

In that case, it's resilience and worthy of praise.

When it's an insistence on the blue cup over the red cup, it's stubborness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In that case, it's resilience and worthy of praise.

When it's an insistence on the blue cup over the red cup, it's stubborness.

This. 100%
I have a DS that's the exact opposite. He would try for a little bit and then say something like, "I didn't really want to make to the top anyway," and move on to something else. His lack of persistence is so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

Yes. Honestly, she didn't need you there for almost any of those 90 minutes. One or two offers of help would have been sufficient.

I would have been sitting on a bench reading a book and encouraging her from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

Yes. Honestly, she didn't need you there for almost any of those 90 minutes. One or two offers of help would have been sufficient.

I would have been sitting on a bench reading a book and encouraging her from time to time.

Even if the kid is yelling and crying in frustration?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

Yes. Honestly, she didn't need you there for almost any of those 90 minutes. One or two offers of help would have been sufficient.

I would have been sitting on a bench reading a book and encouraging her from time to time.

+1. Same. And yes, even if they're frustrated. You offer to help, they say "NO I CAN DO IT", then you say "okay let me know if you need me." Then let them do it. She's almost 5, she knows how to ask for help if she wants it. Maybe she would have given up, maybe she would have asked for help, maybe she would have figured it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

Yes. Honestly, she didn't need you there for almost any of those 90 minutes. One or two offers of help would have been sufficient.

I would have been sitting on a bench reading a book and encouraging her from time to time.

+1. Same. And yes, even if they're frustrated. You offer to help, they say "NO I CAN DO IT", then you say "okay let me know if you need me." Then let them do it. She's almost 5, she knows how to ask for help if she wants it. Maybe she would have given up, maybe she would have asked for help, maybe she would have figured it out.

OP here. Thanks for the advice and I will certainly try to be less intrusive. It was just an eternity for me to watch my child be frustrated like that, but I’ll try not to make it about me.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP, but remember she's older. She can be vocalizing frustration without actually asking for help. She's not a pre-verbal toddler that can only communicate with yelling and crying. Follow her lead and if she "wanted to hear none of it", then that's clear communication to back off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

Yes. Honestly, she didn't need you there for almost any of those 90 minutes. One or two offers of help would have been sufficient.

I would have been sitting on a bench reading a book and encouraging her from time to time.

Even if the kid is yelling and crying in frustration?

NP and agree with the PP. I have a DD who is exactly the same, she gets extremely angry and frustrated but refuses to give up whatever she sets her mind to doing. It's really hard to watch and disengage, but yeah you just have to let her get through it her way, as long as it's safe. The only thing you can do is to empathize and let her know that you're there if she needs help. It's an admirable trait that will serve her well later in life.

[Anonymous]

90 minutes at a climbing wall? You were involved waaaaaay too long. You are trying to reason with a 5 year old. In the future, give it 5-10 minutes and go read your book. This is how your DD figures out if/when she needs help from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90 minutes at a climbing wall? You were involved waaaaaay too long. You are trying to reason with a 5 year old. In the future, give it 5-10 minutes and go read your book. This is how your DD figures out if/when she needs help from you.

Op here. I only interjected once every 10-15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In that case, it's resilience and worthy of praise.

When it's an insistence on the blue cup over the red cup, it's stubborness.

+1 It's a great trait that should be encouraged, even if you understandably find her frustrating at times. My DH and I grew up in families that were always calling us "stubborn," "difficult," or "mule-headed". Really, we were both just very persistent, and it has served us well in our professional and personal lives. We have three kids who share the same trait, and we always tell them we admire their persistence, though sometimes we do have to tell them that it's not the time or place for whatever it is they are trying to accomplish.

[Anonymous]

Good for her for keeping at it!

You probably were distracting her, OP. Just let her do her thing. Make sure she knows you are available if she wants help. But you can be available from 10 feet away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In that case, it's resilience and worthy of praise.

When it's an insistence on the blue cup over the red cup, it's stubborness.

This. 100%
I have a DS that's the exact opposite. He would try for a little bit and then say something like, "I didn't really want to make to the top anyway," and move on to something else. His lack of persistence is so frustrating.

My kid exactly! I'd sorta love to have OP's problem, though the grass is greener on other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 5 and will not give up on anything. When I try to help, she gets upset and says I’m distracting her.

Example...yesterday we were at a park with a climbing wall. Dd can’t do it by herself. She doesn’t have the physical strength to make it all the way up. We spent 90 minutes with her trying and falling off every time. I tried offering help, telling her to step back and try something else, telling her which foot holds she could use, encouraging her. She wanted to hear none of it. She finally figured out a path that would allow her to get up all the way with one final nudge from me. Her mood immediately changed and she had a great time. The 90 minutes leading up to that were pure hell and she was upset for most of it.

How do you parent when your kid is really stubborn? Step back and let them do their thing?

Yes. Honestly, she didn't need you there for almost any of those 90 minutes. One or two offers of help would have been sufficient.

I would have been sitting on a bench reading a book and encouraging her from time to time.

Even if the kid is yelling and crying in frustration?

That sounds hard OP. Maybe talk to her when you are in a neutral situation. Something like - Hey you remember the time you were trying to climb the wall but it was a big one and hard. I was so proud of you. You kept on trying and that is so awesome. I saw you didn't like not being able to climb all the way to the top and got frustrated. What do you think we should do next time we have something that's hard to do?

There is a Daniel Tiger episode about - everyone is big enough to do something. Maybe watching that might help.