Friend in town for four months- hasn’t made plans- cut off?

[Anonymous]

My friend is in a work situation where she has to be in town solo for four months with her 2 kids. She lives overseas. Before you flame me for saying “give her a break” just know that my limits for hard are somewhat skewed, being a military spouse but also a breadwinner - in fact I came with my then three year old to DC from out of the country by ourselves, rented an Airbnb, started work, started preschool, bought a house, bought a car, moved into the house and set it up on my own.

Anyway back to my friend. She’s been here since December. No attempts to make plans. Ignored my kid’s birthday invitation to see another friend who was in town for a day. I suggested lunch near her work so kids wouldn’t be an issue- she says “sounds great” but no follow up when I suggest dates. Basically just flaky no follow up. I know she’s overwhelmed- I’d love to help but can barely make contact. So maybe I can’t take the hint - fine. But what is driving me nuts is I GOT HER THE JOB. I gave her a glowing reference, at her request. And then she just flakes out on me. I really like her but I’m getting so hurt by the situation that I’m beginning to dislike her. I see her FB posts with all the different people she’s hanging out with and feel like I’m second-tier. She’s too busy for me, but not them. Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday, but she’s going home in two weeks and probably won’t even see me at all. So, any advice here? Tell her how I feel? Let it go and write her off?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the people she has seen have been more aggressive to make plans. You say not to tell you to give her a break—ok you already decided what you’re going to do.

[Anonymous]

If this was a man I would say DTMF. Same goes with this woman. Maybe she used you to get this job. I would say cut your losses and move on. She’s not really a friend. At least that’s what appears from what you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If this was a man I would say DTMF. Same goes with this woman. Maybe she used you to get this job. I would say cut your losses and move on. She’s not really a friend. At least that’s what appears from what you

Agreed. Sorry OP

[Anonymous]

Step back and let her initiate contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a work situation where she has to be in town solo for four months with her 2 kids. She lives overseas. Before you flame me for saying “give her a break” just know that my limits for hard are somewhat skewed, being a military spouse but also a breadwinner - in fact I came with my then three year old to DC from out of the country by ourselves, rented an Airbnb, started work, started preschool, bought a house, bought a car, moved into the house and set it up on my own.

Anyway back to my friend. She’s been here since December. No attempts to make plans. Ignored my kid’s birthday invitation to see another friend who was in town for a day. I suggested lunch near her work so kids wouldn’t be an issue- she says “sounds great” but no follow up when I suggest dates. Basically just flaky no follow up. I know she’s overwhelmed- I’d love to help but can barely make contact. So maybe I can’t take the hint - fine. But what is driving me nuts is I GOT HER THE JOB. I gave her a glowing reference, at her request. And then she just flakes out on me. I really like her but I’m getting so hurt by the situation that I’m beginning to dislike her. I see her FB posts with all the different people she’s hanging out with and feel like I’m second-tier. She’s too busy for me, but not them. Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday, but she’s going home in two weeks and probably won’t even see me at all. So, any advice here? Tell her how I feel? Let it go and write her off?

Let it go and write her off. In one breath she's overwhelmed because she's here alone with two kids but in the other breath she's posting all over social about her other social plans that don't involve you = the good friend who recommended her for this job, at her request. She sounds like a user, not someone who's too busy to see you. Strange situation - feels like something is missing from this story. Not saying you're leaving something out but it makes me wonder what her deal is and why she blows you off after you did her a solid.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go and focus on your real friends. It sounds like you are indeed low on her list so what would you expect to get from calling her out on it? Either she will agree and you or she will lie. Doesn't change the reality. But next time she asks for a favor you can either ignore it or explain why you aren't inclined to help out.

[Anonymous]

Or sucks OP but the reality is people prioritize what they want to. She had not prioritized seeing you since Dec. You may have her as a priority in your mind but it’s not reciprocated. Cut your losses and wish her well when she leaves but emotionally detach yourself from her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or sucks OP but the reality is people prioritize what they want to. She had not prioritized seeing you since Dec. You may have her as a priority in your mind but it’s not reciprocated. Cut your losses and wish her well when she leaves but emotionally detach yourself from her now.

I have to agree. If sounds like you were more invested in her than she wasn’t in you. It sucks but it’s life.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to do anything? Why do you feel you have a choice to make?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. She’s supposed to be in town for 4 months and has been here since December. She’s leaving in 2 weeks. That’s only 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If this was a man I would say DTMF. Same goes with this woman. Maybe she used you to get this job. I would say cut your losses and move on. She’s not really a friend. At least that’s what appears from what you

+1

I’m sorry, but this was my very first thought too.

[Anonymous]

She sucks. DTMF. And obviously don’t help her ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step back and let her initiate contact.

She won’t, and no more references.

[Anonymous]

How do you know her? Are you close friends?

I do think it is rude of her. However, if she is a good worker and you have a reference, I don’t think she owes you.

DH is a doctor and professor at a med school. He gives references often and writes recommendations. He doesn’t have the time nor would he want to meet up with people on a personal level because of a referral.

He will carve out time for a good friend from college or residency but these were close friends.