Friend in town for four months- hasn’t made plans- cut off?

[Anonymous]

Help, what’s DTMF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step back and let her initiate contact.

I wouldn’t “cut her off” but I would stop trying to make plans. If she wants to get together with you she will. You can still be friendly and inquire how she is doing every now and then.

[Anonymous]

I can see your frustration, but at the same time you’re being a little dramatic. Like another poster pointed out, being here since December isn’t four months. And you gave her a reference. You didn’t literally get her the job.

[Anonymous]

Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday,

That is totally legitimate and acceptable. That you are so outraged about it that you mention it twice leads me to believe that you are not entirely rational about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday,

That is totally legitimate and acceptable. That you are so outraged about it that you mention it twice leads me to believe that you are not entirely rational about the whole thing.

I thought so too, until I realized that I probably won’t be seeing her at all before she leaves. As for how I know her, we used to work together, but we also became friends during that period. We haven’t worked together in many years, but we have remained friends. We have both been doing a lot of traveling overseas, and we have both had kids during the time that we have not seen each other, so I’ve been looking forward to seeing her in person.

[Anonymous]

You sound mean and judgmental with all your talk about what is hard and what is not. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a work situation where she has to be in town solo for four months with her 2 kids. She lives overseas. Before you flame me for saying “give her a break” just know that my limits for hard are somewhat skewed, being a military spouse but also a breadwinner - in fact I came with my then three year old to DC from out of the country by ourselves, rented an Airbnb, started work, started preschool, bought a house, bought a car, moved into the house and set it up on my own.

Anyway back to my friend. She’s been here since December. No attempts to make plans. Ignored my kid’s birthday invitation to see another friend who was in town for a day. I suggested lunch near her work so kids wouldn’t be an issue- she says “sounds great” but no follow up when I suggest dates. Basically just flaky no follow up. I know she’s overwhelmed- I’d love to help but can barely make contact. So maybe I can’t take the hint - fine. But what is driving me nuts is I GOT HER THE JOB. I gave her a glowing reference, at her request. And then she just flakes out on me. I really like her but I’m getting so hurt by the situation that I’m beginning to dislike her. I see her FB posts with all the different people she’s hanging out with and feel like I’m second-tier. She’s too busy for me, but not them. Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday, but she’s going home in two weeks and probably won’t even see me at all. So, any advice here? Tell her how I feel? Let it go and write her off?

What about a simple text saying hey, do you want to try to get together before you leave town? I would really like that! And then just leave the ball in her court.

[Anonymous]

The most I would do is another text like the PP suggested: “Hi! Would you like to get together before you leave town? I would love to see you.”

Then leave it up to her. Don’t reach out again. If she leaves town without making plans you know where you stand. No need to tell her off or even say anything. Just ignore future communications.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a work situation where she has to be in town solo for four months with her 2 kids. She lives overseas. Before you flame me for saying “give her a break” just know that my limits for hard are somewhat skewed, being a military spouse but also a breadwinner - in fact I came with my then three year old to DC from out of the country by ourselves, rented an Airbnb, started work, started preschool, bought a house, bought a car, moved into the house and set it up on my own.

Anyway back to my friend. She’s been here since December. No attempts to make plans. Ignored my kid’s birthday invitation to see another friend who was in town for a day. I suggested lunch near her work so kids wouldn’t be an issue- she says “sounds great” but no follow up when I suggest dates. Basically just flaky no follow up. I know she’s overwhelmed- I’d love to help but can barely make contact. So maybe I can’t take the hint - fine. But what is driving me nuts is I GOT HER THE JOB. I gave her a glowing reference, at her request. And then she just flakes out on me. I really like her but I’m getting so hurt by the situation that I’m beginning to dislike her. I see her FB posts with all the different people she’s hanging out with and feel like I’m second-tier. She’s too busy for me, but not them. Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday, but she’s going home in two weeks and probably won’t even see me at all. So, any advice here? Tell her how I feel? Let it go and write her off?

At this point I say be direct or write it off. I have a very similar lifestyle and have definitely had the same sort of experience. Truth is, those friendships formed overseas change and morph over time and the friendship that was a huge deal 5+ years ago may not be anymore. It is kind of flaky for her not to commit, but as someone who's evacuated right now, it's also that it could just be hard for her right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most I would do is another text like the PP suggested: “Hi! Would you like to get together before you leave town? I would love to see you.”

Then leave it up to her. Don’t reach out again. If she leaves town without making plans you know where you stand. No need to tell her off or even say anything. Just ignore future communications.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Thanks that’s a good suggestion.

[Anonymous]

You strike me as a bit predatory, op. Even if you got your friend this job, you don’t own her. She isn’t entitled to spend any time with you at all. It might be nice if she did, but it isn’t a requirement. It’s attitudes like yours that drove the distaste in fund-raising for the local sick kid, the local disabled kid, the local foster kid, basically anybody where a person would have continued contact with someone society deems as disadvantaged, because the people who do the helping feel entitled to another person’s time, energy and talent because you “gave them something”.

You also know that her job assignment is temporary, she is parenting solo, and she is separated from her husband. Even if you say “they aren’t separated!” they are. A physical separation can lead to an emotional separation leaving both members of the couple to wonder if it was really worth it.


As for you, your experience doesn’t matter. Military spouses get treatment that civilians do not. Society looks kindly on a military spouse who is away, it looks very differently on spouses who are geographically separated. The attitude of “I’d never let my wife set up house alone” or “what the heck is wrong with a man who would let his wife move overseas with his kids” is very real.

Also, you probably tapped into the military support system more then you realize. Military spouses never admit this unless you directly ask them, and even then they down play it. Also, you have one child, parenting two is very different. One kid is like a glorified pet, two is two children, one wants to go play outside but is too young to do it unsupervised, the other is melting down because they are hungry. One wants to cuddle in bed because you both have been up half the night, the other is asking you all kinds of questions about when the world will end, and they mean it literally.

If you care about your friend at all, leave her alone. She knows where to find you. If you want to own her, keep on being obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Have your kids ever met? Are they the same age?

I moved to DC 7 years ago. There was an old coworker that I considered a good friend. We burned the midnight oil together, went to the same grad school (not at the same time), a group of us used to eat lunch, dinner and often happy hours multiple times per week. He has been a reference for me. He asked me to be his reference once although no one ever called me.

I moved to Alexandria and we emailed a few times. I felt hurt and sad they didn’t seem as eager to meet up. I had a baby and toddler. They had kids slightly older.

Work friends don’t always transfer to friends after work.

[Anonymous]

She used you.

[Anonymous]

Just because you gave her a great reference doesn't mean you "got her the job." Do you own the company? You "helped get her the job," maybe. That's it.

[Anonymous]

For me, a job reference is outside of a friendship. There are plenty of people I'm not really into hanging out with, for whom I would always, always provide a good job reference. If someone is talented and good at their job, I would always give them a reference.

Because job references are professional, not personal.

But that's me.