Friend in town for four months- hasn’t made plans- cut off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She used you.

In a professional capacity, yes. That's what job references are all about: the professional realm.

Do I think Jim is a great graphic designer? Yes; he delivers great work, on time, never had a problem with a project I worked on with him. Happy to give him a reference.

Do I want to get together with Jim outside of work? Hell to the no. He's kinda arrogant and we don't have much in common.

How are these two things related?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She used you.

In a professional capacity, yes. That's what job references are all about: the professional realm.

Do I think Jim is a great graphic designer? Yes; he delivers great work, on time, never had a problem with a project I worked on with him. Happy to give him a reference.

Do I want to get together with Jim outside of work? Hell to the no. He's kinda arrogant and we don't have much in common.

How are these two things related?

Then you should never treat Jim like he's more than a graphic designer, user.

[Anonymous]

DH has a coworker who lives 5 min away. I know they talk often at work and work friends. They have demanding jobs. We never get together with the kids. Friends from work plus kids don’t always go together.

How old are your kids and hers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a work situation where she has to be in town solo for four months with her 2 kids. She lives overseas. Before you flame me for saying “give her a break” just know that my limits for hard are somewhat skewed, being a military spouse but also a breadwinner - in fact I came with my then three year old to DC from out of the country by ourselves, rented an Airbnb, started work, started preschool, bought a house, bought a car, moved into the house and set it up on my own.

Anyway back to my friend. She’s been here since December. No attempts to make plans. Ignored my kid’s birthday invitation to see another friend who was in town for a day. I suggested lunch near her work so kids wouldn’t be an issue- she says “sounds great” but no follow up when I suggest dates. Basically just flaky no follow up. I know she’s overwhelmed- I’d love to help but can barely make contact. So maybe I can’t take the hint - fine. But what is driving me nuts is I GOT HER THE JOB. I gave her a glowing reference, at her request. And then she just flakes out on me. I really like her but I’m getting so hurt by the situation that I’m beginning to dislike her. I see her FB posts with all the different people she’s hanging out with and feel like I’m second-tier. She’s too busy for me, but not them. Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday, but she’s going home in two weeks and probably won’t even see me at all. So, any advice here? Tell her how I feel? Let it go and write her off?

if you can handle all that being ghosted by a friend you haven't seen in years should be a cakewalk

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about her being overwhelmed but clearly she is fine to socialize -- just not with you/your kids. Since you gave her a reference, I assume she is/started as a work colleague and maybe even a work friend. You likely are old enough to realize that for many (most?) people, a work friend is NOT the same as a personal friend/family member.

Sure some people like to grow out their friendships and that includes people they used to work with esp when they are no longer at the same -- bc they feel that they talked to you all day, every day for at least 8 hrs a day for work and you know all about them/their kids etc, so yeah you're a friend. But for most people work relationships are much more superficial; they'll reach out for references or maybe job advice, but they have no intention of going to your kid's birthday party or hanging out at your house -- even if they have no other "real" friends around (which this woman clearly does).

[Anonymous]

I think your friend is a flake. I have a friend like that- she was sort of like that before kids and now it’s so much worse. Once she went MIA while we were planning her baby shower for 3 months. I love her but I no longer think of her as a core friends.

[Anonymous]

This person does not see you as a friend. She is an old coworker who used you as a reference. I would just move on. Focus on your friends who treat you better. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Oh, FFS. You people need to understand the difference between:

Friendships

Friendly professional relationships

Professional relationships

Note that friendships and friendly professional relationships are not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

December to mid Feb isn't 4 months. It is 2.5, tops.

That said, you don't need to cut her off, she's already cutting you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:December to mid Feb isn't 4 months. It is 2.5, tops.

That said, you don't need to cut her off, she's already cutting you off.

Oh, sorry, she's HERE for 4 months. My reading comprehension problems. But still. You don't need to cut her off, you just don't need to seek her out. Don't spend time thinking about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is in a work situation where she has to be in town solo for four months with her 2 kids. She lives overseas. Before you flame me for saying “give her a break” just know that my limits for hard are somewhat skewed, being a military spouse but also a breadwinner - in fact I came with my then three year old to DC from out of the country by ourselves, rented an Airbnb, started work, started preschool, bought a house, bought a car, moved into the house and set it up on my own.

Anyway back to my friend. She’s been here since December. No attempts to make plans. Ignored my kid’s birthday invitation to see another friend who was in town for a day. I suggested lunch near her work so kids wouldn’t be an issue- she says “sounds great” but no follow up when I suggest dates. Basically just flaky no follow up. I know she’s overwhelmed- I’d love to help but can barely make contact. So maybe I can’t take the hint - fine. But what is driving me nuts is I GOT HER THE JOB. I gave her a glowing reference, at her request. And then she just flakes out on me. I really like her but I’m getting so hurt by the situation that I’m beginning to dislike her. I see her FB posts with all the different people she’s hanging out with and feel like I’m second-tier. She’s too busy for me, but not them. Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday, but she’s going home in two weeks and probably won’t even see me at all. So, any advice here? Tell her how I feel? Let it go and write her off?

Let it go and write her off. In one breath she's overwhelmed because she's here alone with two kids but in the other breath she's posting all over social about her other social plans that don't involve you = the good friend who recommended her for this job, at her request. She sounds like a user, not someone who's too busy to see you. Strange situation - feels like something is missing from this story. Not saying you're leaving something out but it makes me wonder what her deal is and why she blows you off after you did her a solid.

There have been a couple of posts like this in the past few months. One was someone who had a family member help a friend into a country club, the long term friend then ghosted OP. Hard to see why lunch plans would be so difficult, but the pattern is pretty clear. I would mute on social media, no need for the drama of unfollowing, and move on with your life, OP. People are in our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. This woman is not in the latter category/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her friend was in town for just one day so she skipped my kid’s birthday,

That is totally legitimate and acceptable. That you are so outraged about it that you mention it twice leads me to believe that you are not entirely rational about the whole thing.

I thought so too, until I realized that I probably won’t be seeing her at all before she leaves. As for how I know her, we used to work together, but we also became friends during that period. We haven’t worked together in many years, but we have remained friends. We have both been doing a lot of traveling overseas, and we have both had kids during the time that we have not seen each other, so I’ve been looking forward to seeing her in person.

I get that you are disappointed and hurt OP but she clearly does not feel the same. You need to let it go, stay off her social media and find people to hang out with who reciprocate. She saw you as an old colleague, not as an out of work friend. What you want you are not going to get from this person/situation. Not a match. Just let it go. Do not keep contacting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help, what’s DTMF

check urban dictionary, this forum does not allow the language