have you moved to be closer to aging parents?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are very happily living in Florida. (We moved here from DC five years ago.) We are in our mid-40s. No kids, and we both work remotely - so we can be anywhere.

My parents are in their mid-70s. They live in a nice part of Connecticut. My mom has very serious health problems. The burden of caring for her has fallen almost entirely on my dad, who (thank gd) is so far healthy. My sister lives about an hour away from them. She helps out a little bit but mainly it's just nice she's there to see our folks, and let them spend time with her kids.

Lately I have been feeling very guilty for being so far away, and my husband and I have started considering moving back north so we can be closer. The thing is that I hate the thought of living there - except for being closer to family. I hate the weather, especially. Oh gd I hate the weather. But the thought of my parents being left to themselves while we're here just enjoying ourselves is making me feel so sad and terrible.

My parents do not want to move here, so that's not an option. Either things remain status quo, or we move to them. They have put zero pressure on me to think about this - it's just me, not wanting my parents to have to do this alone; not wanting to miss out on being near them.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has done this - moved someplace they strongly dislike, in order to be near family. If so, what do you wish you had considered before doing it? Or do you have any advice?

Thank you. And man aging is really hard.

[Anonymous]

We lived in CT for many years and the weather was fine from mid-April through mid-November. Even through Christmas it was fine because it's definitely more holiday festive. January through mid-April (when FL is at it's best) is when CT is at it's worst. CT is at it's best when FL is at it's worst from July through September. Both areas have a few miserable months. I would not use the weather as the reason for not moving there.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about your mom. I am in a similar situation and have also felt those strong feelings to move. While I don't really have the choice to move closer to my parents due to my spouse's job, I've made the choice to visit a lot more (thank you Southwest). Since I already work remotely it's easy to extend my weekends or even go mid-week and use early morning hours and late afternoon hours to keep up (my mother doesn't really get going until 10am, and typically has to nap mid-afternoon so it works out).

Anyway, that might be an interim step for you while you mull things over - even though the airfare will seem expensive it will be way cheaper than moving! Plus, you might find after a bunch of frequent visits that being able to get some distance is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear about your mom. I am in a similar situation and have also felt those strong feelings to move. While I don't really have the choice to move closer to my parents due to my spouse's job, I've made the choice to visit a lot more (thank you Southwest). Since I already work remotely it's easy to extend my weekends or even go mid-week and use early morning hours and late afternoon hours to keep up (my mother doesn't really get going until 10am, and typically has to nap mid-afternoon so it works out).

Anyway, that might be an interim step for you while you mull things over - even though the airfare will seem expensive it will be way cheaper than moving! Plus, you might find after a bunch of frequent visits that being able to get some distance is good.

This is OP - I'm sorry about your situation, too. It's so hard. That's a good idea, to go visit more often and work from there. I'm sure my husband would be ok with it.

(To the PP who said Connecticut weather isn't so bad - oh man I wish that's how I felt. This would be a very easy decision if I didn't get so gd depressed when it's dark and cold. I've lived in that climate for a lot of my life, and I truly detest it.)

[Anonymous]

My elderly parents moved to where I live! But, the weather in CT is fine half the year.
Why not go there for 6 months, and spend 6 months in FL? Thos way, you are sharing the burden with your sibling - you each cover mom and dad for 6 months amd they can cover the9ther 6 months (if your spouse is willing).

[Anonymous]

No one moved (well, except we moved my Dad into our home in what turned out to be his last nine months), but since my sister could “work from home” anywhere- she was able to stay with our parents for longer stays and did not burn up vacation days.

If your jobs are like that, coming up for weeks at a time to spell your local sibling would be the option that I would choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My elderly parents moved to where I live! But, the weather in CT is fine half the year.
Why not go there for 6 months, and spend 6 months in FL? Thos way, you are sharing the burden with your sibling - you each cover mom and dad for 6 months amd they can cover the9ther 6 months (if your spouse is willing).

This is OP - and I wish we were in a position to do that; it would really solve the problem. Unfortunately we can't carry two mortgages (or a mortgage and rent). One day, that's the goal - but for now, we're going to be living in one place.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I would move to be closer to my parents unless I had no choice.

My parents live in NY and my older sister and brother live about 3 hours away by car. I am in Colorado and my other sister is in Texas.

We all contribute the best we can. That said, we found a care manager that has assisted my parents with everything from drivers to home health aides. I am surprised that there are not more posters that mention care managers.

[Anonymous]

Where do your Dh's parents live? Would you be willing to do a similar move to where they are when their time comes?
Would your Dh be resentful if you are able/willing to move for your parents but not his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do your Dh's parents live? Would you be willing to do a similar move to where they are when their time comes?
Would your Dh be resentful if you are able/willing to move for your parents but not his?

This is OP - his parents are in New York. I've asked him if he wants to move closer to them and he says no. But yes, I would be willing to contemplate it if this became something that was important to him. He says it's not. His parents live very close to his sister, and they see each other almost every day - so I think that takes some of the pressure off. Also my husband just doesn't feel that same pull, as I do.

[Anonymous]

A few things to think about, op.
First, what exactly do you want to do? Do you want to simply see your parents, or do you want to take care of them?

In either senario, how will you get work done and maintain your marriage?

You need to work consistently meeting the needs of your boss and/or customers. Can you do that, and if so, how, when and where?

Will your parents understand your working conditions? Many older people do not, and in fairness, it can be difficult to tell when someone is working v. just screwing around on the computer.

What do your parents want? Do you know?

What does your husband want? Will he be the “trailing spouse” or does he have ties to the area? If he doesn’t, how will he integrate successfully into the community and lifestyle? The problem with moving “back home” is that it is very easy to excuse unacceptable behavior and put the burden on the spouse to “get along” “be nice” “give it time” all the platitudes that are told to people who have just moved. The oppinion of the spouse that “Jack drinks a bit too much” “Your mother sure can get nasty” “This church sucks” are often ignored as “not understanding” or “complaining”. What steps will be put into place so that your husband is treated as your beloved life partner?


How will your parents treat your spouse? Will theytreat him as a beloved son-in-law, or “that guy who can do the tasks your papa is now too old to do?”



Know that if you move to be near them, their friends, their doctors, their neighbors will be hounding on you to “do something”. What you can do, what you want to do, what the parents want won’t matter, you’re there and you’d better “take care of your mama!”




What will you do with your house? Will you sell it? Will one of you resent having to sell or get depressed about the sale? If you rent it out, do you and your husband have the ability to work together as landlords? It can be infurating to have the tenant call you with a problem and have your husband hop to it only to have him b**ch about something your current home needs. It can be very upsetting to be threatened with legal action because a property manager failed to do his/her job and you didn’t know what was going on. I mention this because it happened to us, and because people chirp “just get a property manager” as if that will fix everything. A good one can, but a bad one can really screw things up.

Most people want to do the right thing and don’t relish legal action. , having to put money, time and

resources into a home for other people to enjjoy, abuse or misuse is not a good way to spend your life. And, I haven’t even gotten into the scams some tenants try to pull. Are you and your husband able to handle that out and know the difference? Realtors don’t do as much as you’d think in terms of vetting tenants.


Finally, what about your husband’s parents? If you guys move to “be near family… your family”, what about his? Will you move again if he requests it? Will there be enough energy left in case either of you need it? How will you and he react if one of you develops a health condition? You want to make sure your (and his) reserve tanks stay full.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would move to be closer to my parents unless I had no choice.

My parents live in NY and my older sister and brother live about 3 hours away by car. I am in Colorado and my other sister is in Texas.

We all contribute the best we can. That said, we found a care manager that has assisted my parents with everything from drivers to home health aides. I am surprised that there are not more posters that mention care managers.

How did you find the care manager?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things to think about, op.
First, what exactly do you want to do? Do you want to simply see your parents, or do you want to take care of them?

In either senario, how will you get work done and maintain your marriage?

You need to work consistently meeting the needs of your boss and/or customers. Can you do that, and if so, how, when and where?

Will your parents understand your working conditions? Many older people do not, and in fairness, it can be difficult to tell when someone is working v. just screwing around on the computer.

What do your parents want? Do you know?

What does your husband want? Will he be the “trailing spouse” or does he have ties to the area? If he doesn’t, how will he integrate successfully into the community and lifestyle? The problem with moving “back home” is that it is very easy to excuse unacceptable behavior and put the burden on the spouse to “get along” “be nice” “give it time” all the platitudes that are told to people who have just moved. The oppinion of the spouse that “Jack drinks a bit too much” “Your mother sure can get nasty” “This church sucks” are often ignored as “not understanding” or “complaining”. What steps will be put into place so that your husband is treated as your beloved life partner?


How will your parents treat your spouse? Will theytreat him as a beloved son-in-law, or “that guy who can do the tasks your papa is now too old to do?”



Know that if you move to be near them, their friends, their doctors, their neighbors will be hounding on you to “do something”. What you can do, what you want to do, what the parents want won’t matter, you’re there and you’d better “take care of your mama!”




What will you do with your house? Will you sell it? Will one of you resent having to sell or get depressed about the sale? If you rent it out, do you and your husband have the ability to work together as landlords? It can be infurating to have the tenant call you with a problem and have your husband hop to it only to have him b**ch about something your current home needs. It can be very upsetting to be threatened with legal action because a property manager failed to do his/her job and you didn’t know what was going on. I mention this because it happened to us, and because people chirp “just get a property manager” as if that will fix everything. A good one can, but a bad one can really screw things up.

Most people want to do the right thing and don’t relish legal action. , having to put money, time and

resources into a home for other people to enjjoy, abuse or misuse is not a good way to spend your life. And, I haven’t even gotten into the scams some tenants try to pull. Are you and your husband able to handle that out and know the difference? Realtors don’t do as much as you’d think in terms of vetting tenants.


Finally, what about your husband’s parents? If you guys move to “be near family… your family”, what about his? Will you move again if he requests it? Will there be enough energy left in case either of you need it? How will you and he react if one of you develops a health condition? You want to make sure your (and his) reserve tanks stay full.

This is OP - these are all good questions. I could not be a caretaker during the week for the reason you describe. I have a real job - a demanding job - and we need my income. I could help out on the weekends. Mostly I want to see my parents and spend time with them.

We'd sell our current house. We're not in a position to maintain two households. If my husband ever felt pulled to move closer to his family, we'd deal with it. I don't think that's likely to happen but who knows.

My parents adore my husband. They also recognize that he needs time to himself. He's not really a handy guy so I don't see him being pulled in for projects. (He doesn't even really do projects at our house.)

I'm not sure how we'd balance reverting into old habits with maintaining a marriage. Our marriage is (knock wood) pretty easy so I don't see it being a terrible thing to navigate. My friends who are still back home aren't bad influence types so I don't think it would be a case where suddenly I start staying out all night at bars? He knows a lot of them already just from spending time up north with me, and some he likes and some not - just like our friends here. (I am more social than he is.)

But yes, these are all good questions - questions I feel pretty confident we could manage, but things to think about.

Truly, weather is my biggest concern. I just hate winter so much. That's what I worry about more than anything else, honestly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am from CT and now live in FL. My parents came here.

Since they have been here, the quality of live has improved. My father has mobility issues, and here so many more places are accessible-there are simply less steps here, I guess due to newer construction. Their house has no steps.

With the better weather, he gets outside year round. In CT, in winter, with the ice and snow, he really could not get out.

I also hated the winter weather and simply love it here. There is no way I would move back-your parents have to make their choices, and you should NOT feel guilty for making yours.

[Anonymous]

What’s going on with your mom? Can you just fly back and forth more?
Being close doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be able to solve the problem. You still need to work. If your mom needs round the clock care, you might be better able to take a few shifts but I don’t know if that’s worth moving.
I would just have frank conversations with your sister and your dad about what is happening and plan to fly up more often to check in and help manage things. Once they have professional caregivers in the home (if they go that way) there is a ton of administrative work you can take on remotely. Scheduling, insurance, etc.