Reply to have you moved to be closer to aging parents?

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "have you moved to be closer to aging parents?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A few things to think about, op. 
First, what exactly do you want to do? Do you want to simply see your parents, or do you want to take care of them?

In either senario, how will you get work done and maintain your marriage?

You need to work consistently meeting the needs of your boss and/or customers.  Can you do that, and if so, how, when and where?

Will your parents understand your working conditions? Many older people do not, and in fairness, it can be difficult to tell when someone is working v. just screwing around on the computer.

What do your parents want? Do you know?

What does your husband want?  Will he be the “trailing spouse” or does he have ties to the area?  If he doesn’t, how will he integrate successfully into the community and lifestyle?  The problem with moving “back home” is that it is very easy to excuse unacceptable behavior and put the burden on the spouse to “get along” “be nice” “give it time” all the platitudes that are told to people who have just moved. The oppinion of the spouse that “Jack drinks a bit too much” “Your mother sure can get nasty” “This church sucks” are often ignored as “not understanding” or “complaining”.  What steps will be put into place so that your husband is treated as your beloved life partner?

How will your parents treat your spouse?  Will theytreat him as a beloved son-in-law, or “that guy who can do the tasks your papa is now too old to do?”

Know that if you move to be near them, their friends, their doctors, their neighbors will be hounding on you to “do something”. What you can do, what you want to do, what the parents want won’t matter, you’re there and you’d better “take care of your mama!”

What will you do with your house? Will you sell it? Will one of you resent having to sell or get depressed about the sale?  If you rent it out, do you and your husband have the ability to work together as landlords?  It can be infurating to have the tenant call you with a problem and have your husband hop to it only to have him b**ch about something your current home needs.  It can be very upsetting to be threatened with legal action because a property manager failed to do his/her job and you didn’t know what was going on.  I mention this because it happened to us, and because people chirp “just get a property manager” as if that will fix everything.  A good one can, but a bad one can really screw things up.

Most people want to do the right thing and don’t relish legal action. , having to put money, time and

resources into a home for other people to enjjoy, abuse or misuse is not a good way to spend your life. And, I haven’t even gotten into the scams some tenants try to pull. Are you and your husband able to handle that out and know the difference?  Realtors don’t do as much as you’d think in terms of vetting tenants.

Finally, what about your husband’s parents?  If you guys move to “be near family… your family”, what about his?  Will you move again if he requests it?  Will there be enough energy left in case either of you need it?  How will you and he react if one of you develops a health condition? You want to make sure your (and his) reserve tanks stay full.

[/quote]

This is OP - these are all good questions. I could not be a caretaker during the week for the reason you describe. I have a real job - a demanding job - and we need my income. I could help out on the weekends. Mostly I want to see my parents and spend time with them.

We'd sell our current house. We're not in a position to maintain two households. If my husband ever felt pulled to move closer to his family, we'd deal with it. I don't think that's likely to happen but who knows.

My parents adore my husband. They also recognize that he needs time to himself. He's not really a handy guy so I don't see him being pulled in for projects. (He doesn't even really do projects at our house.)

I'm not sure how we'd balance reverting into old habits with maintaining a marriage. Our marriage is (knock wood) pretty easy so I don't see it being a terrible thing to navigate. My friends who are still back home aren't bad influence types so I don't think it would be a case where suddenly I start staying out all night at bars? He knows a lot of them already just from spending time up north with me, and some he likes and some not - just like our friends here. (I am more social than he is.)

But yes, these are all good questions - questions I feel pretty confident we could manage, but things to think about.

Truly, weather is my biggest concern. I just hate winter so much. That's what I worry about more than anything else, honestly. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics