Friendship issue that is taking a toll on my mental health. I need advice.

[Anonymous]

A very good friend has completely and totally dropped me. I don't know why.
The ghosting seemed to coincide with her dating a new guy. Now, a year later, I heard through the grapevine that she is engaged.
The odd wrinkle in this is that she has also hired me for freelance design projects (I work in a creative field).
She has continued to reach out with new work.
There is no acknowledgment of her dropping me as a friend, of any common threads in our lives (pleasantries about my kids or her boyfriend, etc), or ANYTHING. The emails are of the type you woulld pen to a business acquaintance.

This was a good friend. Two years ago, she had been stood up by a different guy on her birthday and asked three close friends to take her to dinner. I was the one who came through. We vacationed together. She wasn't some random person.

Then, suddenly, poof. She stopped texting me, began declining invites, and essentially vanished. I got one mass email about a change of address - she moved in with her boyfriend (and apparently fiance) - and that's it.

I saw her once since then, socially, at a group dinner.She made fake small talk. Then, as dinner broke up, I tried to approach her to ask what was going on and she ran - no embellishment, ran - out of the restaurant saying she had laundry to do.

I feel so sad over this, and the old wound keeps reappearing each time I get a breezy business email. What makes this all the more rich is that two years ago, a good friend dropped her like a hot potato and she cried to me about it for hours. Now she's doing the same to me.

She has taken down all social media also.

I am an anxious person. I keep replaying it in my mind, wondering what I did. I berate myself as a flawed friend, or boring, or somehow or other unworthy and easy to write off - forgettable. I sometimes cry about it.

What do I do? Next time she approaches me for business, do I bring it up? I'm afraid it would make me look desperate and feel very vulnerable (especially after she literally bolted away from me in public).

Has anyone had this happen to them? What could be going on? Help.

[Anonymous]

You have to accept that this is about her and not you. If she didn't have issues and you had done something to upset her, the mature thing would be to reach out and talk to you about it. The fact that she didn't do that is a sign to me that the issues are more likely hers. I struggled with this for years with my long time best friend who suddenly dropped me for being a day late with a happy birthday call. In looking back over our friendship, I realized she had done similar things to other people as well and I just always rationalized it in my head somehow - until it happened to me.

On the business side, if it's too triggering to take referrals from her, just decline them. She probably needs your expertise, but you don't owe her anything.

Also, as someone who has also struggled with anxiety, work on that. Find a therapist to help get yourself some healthy perspective. It did wonders for me.

[Anonymous]

How strange. Try not to worry about it, O, obviously this is someone with issues. Perhaps you can reach out to other former friends of hers and poke around a bit.

[Anonymous]

I knew girls like this in college. Once a boyfriend was in the picture, no one else mattered. You know her priorities, let her go.

As for your professional dealings with her,, do what you like. If you can handle her behavior professionally and without a grudge, accept the jobs.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP - this is so painful. But you’re internalizing this and blaming yourself when clearly something is going on with her. The way she ended all social contact and ran out of the restaurant to avoid talking about it — that’s not about you. Unfortunately, you’ll probably never know, and this isn’t a person you could ever trust enough to get close to again. You have to let it go.

Be kind to yourself - she was cruel in the way she handled things and you are being cruel to yourself by questioning your worth as a person and as a friend. Go to therapy, take good care of your health, connect with people who are receptive and reciprocate, participate in activities that feel good.

[Anonymous]

And yes - you can decline her work, if it is a trigger for you.

My guess is it’s related somehow to this guy - she closes off, leaves social media, etc. But regardless, you need to work on putting this behind you. It’s okay if it hurts when you think about it - you’re human, and it was a loss, but focus on moving forward and being kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to accept that this is about her and not you. If she didn't have issues and you had done something to upset her, the mature thing would be to reach out and talk to you about it. The fact that she didn't do that is a sign to me that the issues are more likely hers. I struggled with this for years with my long time best friend who suddenly dropped me for being a day late with a happy birthday call. In looking back over our friendship, I realized she had done similar things to other people as well and I just always rationalized it in my head somehow - until it happened to me.

On the business side, if it's too triggering to take referrals from her, just decline them. She probably needs your expertise, but you don't owe her anything.

Also, as someone who has also struggled with anxiety, work on that. Find a therapist to help get yourself some healthy perspective. It did wonders for me.

I agree. OP, your first priority needs to be your own mental health. If I were you, I would decline further work by saying something like, "I'm afraid I cannot take any work from you for the foreseeable future. All the best, Larla."

[Anonymous]

I'm another who agrees this is about her and not you.

You need to move forward, I wouldn't continue to accept work from her.

[Anonymous]

Despite what we are all spoon fed since Kindergarten, close friendships are not guaranteed forever. But sounds like you had a good run so keep the good memories, and leave with your pride intact. She sounds hella needy anyway. Make new friends! And ditch the old

[Anonymous]

It truly sounds like she has issues. Maybe boyfriend is being controlling.

It’s not you, OP, but I understand why you’d feel hurt. It’s not you, though.

[Anonymous]

I'm the polar opposite of you. I'd prefer to not have to deal with the friend stuff, only the business stuff so this would be win-win.

I think she's one of those people who is all about the man when she has one. I think added to this is her personal embarrassment- now that all is good with her- that she may feel like she overshared. I think her maintaining the work relationship is a 'soft' apology for being a lousy friend/not needing your support.

The only down site that I see is that when/if life gets rough again, she will expect to rely on you.

[Anonymous]

OP you've got some good advice here. I'd also like to say that I had a good friend do this to me--it's been 17 years, now...and part of what is going on is you want closure ("what did I do?") and you are not going to get it. When you decide that you really WANT closure but in truth, don't NEED closure, then you can start to move on.

Yes you should decline work with her, absolutely. I'd get rid of her on all social media. Write down her contact info and then delete it from your phone and email, so it doesn't pop up sometime when you are looking for someone else. In this way, you create the closure, so you take control, so you stop waiting for it from her. The waiting causes the anxiety.

And bottom line, let's say she calls you back up and wants to fix it. NO. She did that to you once so she can do it again. So that is why you have to decide it doesn't matter, the relationship is lost. So shut it down, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hey so this sucks and I’m sorry but you gotta shut the door hard on the business relationship and now. Next time she messages about it, you write back saying you are sorry you can’t take the work; you are at capacity and have moved your professional focus to some new work; say thanks and let her know you’re happy to offer a referral to another (worker in your field) if needed. No explaining, nothing drawn out. Polite thanks bye next. This is for yourself OP.

[Anonymous]

She might be jelous snd worry that her boyfriend might gat attrActed to you.

[Anonymous]

Can anyone hazard a guess as to why people do this? This seems like...slightly pathological behavior.