Why are grandparents and older relatives so needy now?

[Anonymous]

My grandmother had 7 kids spaced out across the years. When her kids had kids she told them all that she was done raising kids to avoid getting plopped on for childcare. She hosts events, everyone visits her, she never gets into anyone's business or gives advice, and is just so easy to be around. It seems like the other relatives in her age bracket have the same situation.

Their kids however are an entirely different story. The kids all had 1,2,3 or no kids. The ones with more than 1 kid has them relatively close together. They are all the typical needy, boundary crossing, always manipulating for more time and more access types who want to be in your business. When DH and I and our cousins shared stories we realized that we were all basically latch key kids even the ones who had a SAP so its not like these people were dedicating their lives or centering everything around us at any point in the past but now they want to be the center of attention.

So I'm wondering if the trend toward having fewer children and having them closer together is what is making grandparents do intrusive now.

[Anonymous]

I think that's a huge generalization. Many grandparents I know (my parents, DH's parents, the parents of my cousins and my friends) fall toward something of a happy medium. Obviously involved and loving and generous, but understanding of busy schedules and making things work, etc.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew!

My paternal grandparents had 10 kids, about 1.5 years between them. I have about 20 cousins. My grandparents were exactly as you mention. I fondly remember gatherings, the “adult table” and the “kids table”, the adults all kibitzing, the kids running amok outside. Every so often, my grandparents would head out to the covered porch and watch us. WATCH. From afar. They’d have coffee and cake and watch us play. They weren’t busybodies, they probably didn’t even know what our interests were, but we knew they loved us. My grandma was aloof but I KNEW my grandpa loved all of us. He didn’t need to spend every waking weekend day with us, either. He never once attended a school function.

My parents and my ILs are UP OUR ASSES and I can’t stand it. Maybe it goes in cycles, because I see myself being more like my grandparents than my parents.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a huge generalization.

My ILs are in their late 70s, has 6 kids (over 15yrs so a decent age gap- my DH is the youngest) and are extremely demanding and highly intrusive. DH and I have been together for nearly 20yrs (married for 15) and it isn’t new behavior in their old age- they have always been this way. They’ve always expected everyone at their house for all holidays, everyone to live nearby, very particular expectations about their kids’ careers, families, values etc etc. When their expectations aren’t met (and they rarely are)- tantrums and drama.

My parents are in their early 60s- had three kids going, with a close age gap. They aren’t demanding at all. They still work, , have hobbies, friends etc. and love seeing us but they really have their own lives and things to do also.

I actually think that in my ILs case, they had all those kids and were actively parenting for so long that they never developed hobbies, friends, or other things to do- so they are extremely wrapped up in their kids and grandkids. My parents were done with the “little kid” years but their early 30s and we were all out of the house by the time they were 45. They’ve had a lot more time to focus on other things.

[Anonymous]

Maybe because they felt neglected by their parents growing up so they are constantly searching out attention and validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother had 7 kids spaced out across the years. When her kids had kids she told them all that she was done raising kids to avoid getting plopped on for childcare. She hosts events, everyone visits her, she never gets into anyone's business or gives advice, and is just so easy to be around. It seems like the other relatives in her age bracket have the same situation.

Their kids however are an entirely different story. The kids all had 1,2,3 or no kids. The ones with more than 1 kid has them relatively close together. They are all the typical needy, boundary crossing, always manipulating for more time and more access types who want to be in your business. When DH and I and our cousins shared stories we realized that we were all basically latch key kids even the ones who had a SAP so its not like these people were dedicating their lives or centering everything around us at any point in the past but now they want to be the center of attention.

So I'm wondering if the trend toward having fewer children and having them closer together is what is making grandparents do intrusive now.

That's not typical. Outside of this board I don't see nearly as many dysfunctional relationships. That is not judgement btw.

[Anonymous]

My parents are the sit and watch type. I wish they were interested in their grandkids on a more personal level. I think they lack the desire to firm close relationships. I don’t think they are even particularly close with each other. I think they struggle to express their feelings. My in laws are the opposite. and I certainly appreciate that they are building strong ties with my kids.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think so. My mother is one of three and had just two daughters. My dad is one of four kids. Both of my parents love their grandchildren and are a huge help when needed but definitely have their own lives, friends and interests. They’re in Istanbul right now with friends from their college days!

[Anonymous]

Because they are now old! Duh!

[Anonymous]

Because they were never taught or get their needs met and they have slowed down with age/health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so. My mother is one of three and had just two daughters. My dad is one of four kids. Both of my parents love their grandchildren and are a huge help when needed but definitely have their own lives, friends and interests. They’re in Istanbul right now with friends from their college days!

My parents an in laws are like this. They are about as far from “needy” as anyone could get. But they’re all fun, great and involved grandparents.

Can’t relate to this post at all. Sixties aren’t old. My dad still runs marathons and is still working at 68 and my FIL is retired but wind-surfs! Mother and MIL are equally active and involved. Their friends are all like them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are the sit and watch type. I wish they were interested in their grandkids on a more personal level. I think they lack the desire to firm close relationships. I don’t think they are even particularly close with each other. I think they struggle to express their feelings. My in laws are the opposite. and I certainly appreciate that they are building strong ties with my kids.

x100000

Out of touch parents are even worse as grandparents, and connected parents are even better as grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew!

My paternal grandparents had 10 kids, about 1.5 years between them. I have about 20 cousins. My grandparents were exactly as you mention. I fondly remember gatherings, the “adult table” and the “kids table”, the adults all kibitzing, the kids running amok outside. Every so often, my grandparents would head out to the covered porch and watch us. WATCH. From afar. They’d have coffee and cake and watch us play. They weren’t busybodies, they probably didn’t even know what our interests were, but we knew they loved us. My grandma was aloof but I KNEW my grandpa loved all of us. He didn’t need to spend every waking weekend day with us, either. He never once attended a school function.

My parents and my ILs are UP OUR ASSES and I can’t stand it. Maybe it goes in cycles, because I see myself being more like my grandparents than my parents.

LOL yes this exactly. Its not only being up your ass and forcing yourself onto others but competing and being obsessed with how much access the other granny is getting. My mother and MIL seem to be going for Olympic gold in the competitive granny games. My grandmother did not give a crap what the other granny was getting.

[Anonymous]

People don’t have a life so they’re looking to live vicariously through their helpless victims.

[Anonymous]

You just think the grandparents are so carefree because they aren't looking to you, they'd look to your parents for any help they needed. Your parents probably gave them the help they needed either without complaint because it was expected or they complained amongst their own generation. Your parents are looking to you, naturally. You just think they are too needy because you don't want to help them.