Why are grandparents and older relatives so needy now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

So your position is that the grandchildren don’t need to develop skills or friendships with other children at all?

They’re just there to bond with the older generation and serve as props for grandma’s sewing club? (Despite the derision of kid activities, let’s be clear that the grandparents activities/schedule are of upmost importance! Show some respect amiright?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

So your position is that the grandchildren don’t need to develop skills or friendships with other children at all?

They’re just there to bond with the older generation and serve as props for grandma’s sewing club? (Despite the derision of kid activities, let’s be clear that the grandparents activities/schedule are of upmost importance! Show some respect amiright?)

Hahahahaha. Spot on!

[Anonymous]

I am going it is all about them? It was about what they wanted when you were kids, and now it is about them when you had kids. When you were a kid, they had friends and fun, but now they are without friends and it is your duty and your kids duty to entertain them?
Now, this assumes that we are talking about very needy grandparents and your parents. Not about grandparents that are "entitled" because they want to see little Johnny once in 3 months, and live one street away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

So your position is that the grandchildren don’t need to develop skills or friendships with other children at all?

They’re just there to bond with the older generation and serve as props for grandma’s sewing club? (Despite the derision of kid activities, let’s be clear that the grandparents activities/schedule are of upmost importance! Show some respect amiright?)

Oh my bad. They don’t develop friendships or skills at school, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

So your position is that the grandchildren don’t need to develop skills or friendships with other children at all?

They’re just there to bond with the older generation and serve as props for grandma’s sewing club? (Despite the derision of kid activities, let’s be clear that the grandparents activities/schedule are of upmost importance! Show some respect amiright?)

Oh my bad. They don’t develop friendships or skills at school, of course.

I don’t know anyone who learned how to swim at school, do you?
I’ve also never met a kid who had close friends who they never saw outside of school, have you?

From your comment it sounds like you’re doubling down on the idea that grandchildren don’t need friends or any skills (outside of the minimum required by law) and they should focus their lives on being good companions for elderly relatives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

Agree with this to a certain extent. People here act like they're arranging an audience with the Pope when family members want to see the kids. It has to be between these hours ONLY and ONLY do this and ONLY eat that and NO TV OR MOVIES and OMG the kids got dirty and played on a swing set without 14 feet of padding under it, on and on. I'm super close to my nieces and nephews because my brother and SIL fostered that by letting me enjoy them without crazy rules and paranoia about every last thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This language about “access” to grandkids is so bizzare and foreign to me. Don’t people like free childcare from people who love their kids? I sure do. My mom and in laws can have all the “access” they want since access = I can lay down and read while my kids are taken care of.

No. Because it’s not “free”. It involves a visit before and a visit after, however short. I have to drive the kids to grandma, I have to pick them up. I have to chat for a few before, I have to chat after.

Or, since I’m an adult with money, I can pay a babysitter to drive to my house. She knows the routine and I don’t have to make small talk with her. When we come back in the evening, she just leaves, happily, without wanting to talk about anything at all. And then my kids are already asleep and I can carry on with my husband without a grandparent and their small talk ruining the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This language about “access” to grandkids is so bizzare and foreign to me. Don’t people like free childcare from people who love their kids? I sure do. My mom and in laws can have all the “access” they want since access = I can lay down and read while my kids are taken care of.

No. Because it’s not “free”. It involves a visit before and a visit after, however short. I have to drive the kids to grandma, I have to pick them up. I have to chat for a few before, I have to chat after.

Or, since I’m an adult with money, I can pay a babysitter to drive to my house. She knows the routine and I don’t have to make small talk with her. When we come back in the evening, she just leaves, happily, without wanting to talk about anything at all. And then my kids are already asleep and I can carry on with my husband without a grandparent and their small talk ruining the mood.

This X100 plus once kids hit 7, 8 or 9 they pick up on pushy needy behavior and don't want to visit the pushy aunt or grandma either. People who are are always pushing for access are usually looking to fill some need or void they have in their own life. No enjoys being the filler for this type of needy person including kids.

[Anonymous]

In my experience childless aunts and grandmothers who have not had young kids in a very long time can be problematic on so many levels as "free child care". It drives my aunt completely nuts that all her nieces and nephews will send their kids to each other's houses when they travel for a weekend or have a date night but not give the kids over to her. The cousins have fun with each other. The other parents do not need to be told rules of what is appropriate because they have kids. The other parents are doing each other favors and is it not about them. The other houses are set up for kids. The other parents 100% understand homework, bedtimes, sports schedules and kid social activities.

For all of us our first option is always to use each other if it works with the other parents OR maybe friends with same age kids or hire a sitter if it doesn't. No one is using grandma or auntie because they really are not very good with kids and its a hassle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience childless aunts and grandmothers who have not had young kids in a very long time can be problematic on so many levels as "free child care". It drives my aunt completely nuts that all her nieces and nephews will send their kids to each other's houses when they travel for a weekend or have a date night but not give the kids over to her. The cousins have fun with each other. The other parents do not need to be told rules of what is appropriate because they have kids. The other parents are doing each other favors and is it not about them. The other houses are set up for kids. The other parents 100% understand homework, bedtimes, sports schedules and kid social activities.

For all of us our first option is always to use each other if it works with the other parents OR maybe friends with same age kids or hire a sitter if it doesn't. No one is using grandma or auntie because they really are not very good with kids and its a hassle.

How about child-free uncles and grandfathers? That's a lot you're laying exclusively at the feet of women.

[Anonymous]

Mine are so needy because my siblings didn't have children. And because my parents didn't die in their 60s like their parents did (I'm glad for that, just stating how it's changed in a generation). When your kids are the only grandkids on both sides, it puts A LOT of pressure on the kids to perform on every holiday. I wish our siblings would have kids, but as we enter our 40s I don't think it's happening. I was 1 of 16 grandchildren, DH was similar. We weren't a precious commodity or a prop. There were enough of us to go around that someone always was baking cookies with grandma and having a concert she could attend.

[Anonymous]

All but one of my grandparents were dead before I was born, and I have been unable to have kids so my sibling has the one grandchild for four grandparents to share.

[Anonymous]

Mine are so needy because my siblings didn't have children. And because my parents didn't die in their 60s like their parents did (I'm glad for that, just stating how it's changed in a generation). When your kids are the only grandkids on both sides, it puts A LOT of pressure on the kids to perform on every holiday. I wish our siblings would have kids, but as we enter our 40s I don't think it's happening. I was 1 of 16 grandchildren, DH was similar. We weren't a precious commodity or a prop. There were enough of us to go around that someone always was baking cookies with grandma and having a concert she could attend.

This can be a big problem. One of the biggest mistakes in psychology when dealing with women who suffer from infertility is telling them that they can focus on building a relationship with other children such as nieces or nephews. This recommendation is starting to change -according to a friend of mine that is a psychologist, because for many women this created more problems than it solved. It is not healthy to pursue a relationship to replace what you wanted but could not have and while this isn't exactly what the therapists were recommending too many times this is how it played it for some women. It also set them up for a second rejection as the parents of the kids naturally had to draw back and not allow them to play second mommy. The playing second mommy fantasy never works even when the parents allow it. It just deepens and extends the sense of loss. It is far, far better for the individual to move on from the idea of having kids and find other ways to enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother had 7 kids spaced out across the years. When her kids had kids she told them all that she was done raising kids to avoid getting plopped on for childcare. She hosts events, everyone visits her, she never gets into anyone's business or gives advice, and is just so easy to be around. It seems like the other relatives in her age bracket have the same situation.

Their kids however are an entirely different story. The kids all had 1,2,3 or no kids. The ones with more than 1 kid has them relatively close together. They are all the typical needy, boundary crossing, always manipulating for more time and more access types who want to be in your business. When DH and I and our cousins shared stories we realized that we were all basically latch key kids even the ones who had a SAP so its not like these people were dedicating their lives or centering everything around us at any point in the past but now they want to be the center of attention.

So I'm wondering if the trend toward having fewer children and having them closer together is what is making grandparents do intrusive now.

They are baby boomers. Children of the greatest generation who literally became the most selfish generation ever. And they killed our planet taboot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe the question should be why do parents think chess lessons and birthday parties with kids they won’t even remember in 10 years are more important than grandparents? So many people on this board treat ANY ask like it’s an intrusion. Sorry grandma hasn’t seen Johnny in three months and doesn’t enjoy taking a backseat to free swim at the Y night.

Whoa you must be a selfish needy beast! You seriously think the birthday celebration should ignore what the birthday kid would enjoy doing and instead go fawn over granny? Sure let's not sign up for chess or some other activity that they kid would enjoy because you know, granny might call and need some butt kissing attention pronto.

This is really ridiculous. Grandparents needs to stop being intrusive and trying to make everything about them or everything to involve them. If you get invited somewhere, great but just because you are related it doesn't mean you get to push, cajole, manipulate and pout pout as you try to force yourself onto others.

I think some grandparents (like the very top of this post) realize how totally inadequate their parenting was in comparison to how their children are as parents. For this reason, they seek to diminish their adult children’s hard work (creating a social and enriching life for their children) to make themselves feel like they did enough.

So true! You just described my parents to a T!