Anonymous wrote:I’m laughing at the poster who insists that you should only politely decline and not give a reason like childcare, PTO or expenses etc. Rude people who demand or expect your attendance on their terms will not let you off with a polite so sorry we can’t attend. The type of person who hears I can’t come because I don’t have childcare and immediately thinks back to when the person attended a different wedding at a different time so they are enraged at the decline is not the sort to graciously just accept a decline without reason.
The bride if she’s pushy and self absorbed will view any decline as a statement that SHE is not as important. Well Polly, you are indeed not as important to your cousin as their nuclear family, their career and their household finances. No one should have to sacrifice for a silly wedding. Destination on child free weddings make this situation more likely.
The other factor going on is the mother of the bride and now even mother of the groom. The guest list is the opening event of future granny wars, an ongoing battle with older women wielding passive aggressive barbs to one up the other granny, FB is the scoreboard. The aunts aren’t just being flying monkeys for the wedding party, they want their side filled!
Who hurt you? Yes a bride? You are an example of one, not normal, and you are projecting. Just stop.
Anonymous wrote:I’m laughing at the poster who insists that you should only politely decline and not give a reason like childcare, PTO or expenses etc. Rude people who demand or expect your attendance on their terms will not let you off with a polite so sorry we can’t attend. The type of person who hears I can’t come because I don’t have childcare and immediately thinks back to when the person attended a different wedding at a different time so they are enraged at the decline is not the sort to graciously just accept a decline without reason.
The bride if she’s pushy and self absorbed will view any decline as a statement that SHE is not as important. Well Polly, you are indeed not as important to your cousin as their nuclear family, their career and their household finances. No one should have to sacrifice for a silly wedding. Destination on child free weddings make this situation more likely.
The other factor going on is the mother of the bride and now even mother of the groom. The guest list is the opening event of future granny wars, an ongoing battle with older women wielding passive aggressive barbs to one up the other granny, FB is the scoreboard. The aunts aren’t just being flying monkeys for the wedding party, they want their side filled!
50% of that "demanding to know a reason" is your fault. You simply don't respond. Much like "no" is a complete sentence, so is "So sorry, we won't be able to attend." End of story, nothing else to discuss. They can have a discussion with themselves, but not with you if you don't allow them to engage.
But yeah, I wanted it to be a grown-up affair (e.g., open bar, live band). I didn't understand the kid thing.
At Italian weddings they always have these things plus lots of kids.
+1 Indian weddings too
Ha. My cousins huge Indian wedding did not allow my kids to attend. We don’t really talk much anymore anyways.
I have seen that at more Indian weddings in the last 2 years. Given the misbehaving kids I've seen previously at many Indian weddings (often with same people in attendance) I can understand why. They know what the family kids are like and realize they'd rather avoid cranky, unruly kids running around screaming whose parents fail to actually parent them. So they smartly choose to be "adults only"
Anonymous wrote:Person who keeps responding rapid-fire to several posts in a row: Go touch grass. Nobody is taking your child-free wedding from you. Some people will judge you the worse for it. Others won’t care. That is called life. People disagree. You will have to accept that, but you will be the better for it when you do. Go outside and take a deep breath, and walk away. I think at the rate you are going, you are going to give yourself a coronary.
There isn't just one person responding. I've responded in line with some others. You're the one with your panties in a knot so step off.
+1
The simple fact that you think as an attendee you get some say in the guest list is quite frankly beyond rude. Judge all you want, but you are the one with issues who think you get to dictate the attendees and what occurs at someone else's wedding.
When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.
But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!
You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.
But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.
People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.
I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.
Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.
That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up. Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together. If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.
Hey oldster, what was the average cost of those weddings back in the 70s/80s that you are referring to? Oh, that’s right, a fraction of what a wedding costs today. You sound as dim as the Boomers who go on and on about how they own a home (they bought for $85,000) and they just don’t understand why young people can’t afford a home these days, they’re probably poor because they buy Starbucks. Weddings are astronomically pricier these days, so no, not everyone and their kids can be invited.
Well we did our wedding 30+ years ago at a church. Since we had to pay ourselves and were young and poor, we also held the reception at the church fellowship hall. Hired a church member who ran a catering business to provide the food, and donated to the church to have several of the "women of the church" help with serving the food.
Since it was at a church, there was no dancing, alcohol, etc. It was a 2 hour luncheon/cut the cake and we were done. Then we paid the janitor fee.
So our wedding, including the rehearsal dinner (also at the church fellowship hall, so no alcohol yet again) was about $4K total for 120 people.
But most people are not willing to do that type of wedding and reception
But it can still be done for under $8K
I don’t know anyone who has had that kind of wedding, and I sure would rather get a sitter and go to a fun wedding with alcohol and good food and dancing.
But the point is that some of the wedding expenses these days are over the top because the couple wants amazing photos. The venue has to look amazing, for the photos. The food has to look amazing, for the photos. But It doesn’t really need to be that expensive to be fun. We got married fifteen years ago for about $18K for ~150 people with an open bar, dancing (just a DJ not a band) and it was lovely. A friend’s wedding that happened before us cost $40K with a live band the bride loved very much and a choice of three desserts. Great, if you can afford it! Both weddings allowed kids.
No work friend thinks your invitation includes their kids and no work friend with a live brain will bring their kids to your wedding. I have never gone to a wedding where I saw kids at the work friend table. Someone raised that as a strawman earlier and it’s laughable. Nobody does this unless you work with complete idiots. Similarly, no work friend will be offended if you spell out for them that their kids are not invited. They know the drill.
The point of inviting kids is so that the kids can hang out together and get to know one another, and have family experiences together. Because weddings are about family, and not just about you.
So invite kids or don’t, your choice. We’ll just secretly judge you.
I had kids at my wedding, which was 11 years ago, so calm down. That said, it was fun and worthwhile for people to travel to, not some church basement lame-fest.
Sounds like what you are describing is a *family reunion.* Why are you so cheap? If family is actually important to you, you’ll plan and pay for a family reunion. My family does that every few years, so do my ILs. You can rent a beach house if you want people to pay their own way. Why are you so cheap as to expect brides and grooms to foot the bill so you can have a freebie family reunion?
Oh wait, talk is cheap and you don’t value family so much that you hold reunions; if it was a priority, you would host reunions. And you don’t. You piggyback on other people’s weddings. (And funerals, from the sound of you.)
I am PP you are responding to, and I guess I AM too cheap to pay for a family reunion, because weddings do mostly still perform this function for us and I need to save the money for my teenagers going to college. So, sick burn I guess?
My point above is that weddings can cost different amounts and your costs will range depending on what you value. If your wedding is so fancy and expensive that having kids at it would ruin the experience for you, you are valuing different things than my extended family does. You can do that, that’s your choice. I will just judge you a bit. Not sure why some of you are so mad at me for that. These are your choices so you should be happy to stand by them.
It’s a little funny to me because the bride and groom are most likely childless when making these decisions and yet also the likeliest people in the room to experience schadenfreude over the exclusion of kids because chances are they are the likeliest people in the room to be having kids in a few years. So, the folks who were anti children for their OWN wedding will then often get to experience exclusionary kid policies for the next eighteen years, which seems only fitting to me. If they could have just exercised their imagination a bit, they might have seen why inviting kids might be nice and ultimately beneficial for them. It’s always funny to get the baby shower invite of someone who had a child free wedding two years later, like clockwork. Wait so NOW you value children? Okay my dude.
(I actually do have some great memories from being at wakes when I was a kid, before services started off in a side room, while my cousins and I all grappled in our heads with the very dead body in the room next door. That sort of thing brought us together in a weird way. Family, man.)
So, is holding a full reunion-level bash for people too expensive, or not expensive? It's too much for you to pay for, so you want the Zoomer kids to expand their celebration and take the hit for you?
Not inviting kids seems to be more of a new trend that people are choosing because … reasons. Traditionally, kids are generally invited to weddings, so inviting them isn’t really an “expansion” — rather, NOT inviting kids is a new cut and a change to how families got together in the past. If newlyweds want to cut kids out of their wedding events, that’s largely a change from what used to happen and a change to many family dynamics where kids were a natural, accepted part of the celebration. Which is what people are remarking on.
I don’t think it’s a trend. I had a no kid wedding twenty years ago and it wasn’t uncommon then.
Are you divorced or unhappy in your marriage now?
Dp. I had a child-free wedding mid 90s and it was very common. I'm still married as are my coworkers who did the same. How gross to assume that because we choose differently from you and your provincial friends that we are less family oriented and more likely to be divorced. You're kind of dumb and very narrow minded.
+1
Most marriages are actually healthier when the couple gets to enjoy some time WITHOUT their kids. So date night, attending weddings or a show, or going out to dinner or spending a night away in a hotel are all healthy things that normal couples do without their kids at times. I'd argue someone who is capable of spending a few Hours without their kids and together as a couple is most likely happier as a married couple than ones who don't prioritize doing that from time to time
That's too bad. Dh and I planned ours, and paid for it. Kids were included. If another couple decides "no kids" I'm fine with that.
Totally normal. And invitees can decide to attend or not, for whatever reason.
Yep. I enjoy an event with no kids. Mine were fine with a babysitter.
People get so bent out of shape over a day that has nothing to do with them. We had family back out of attending the day of our wedding. OK... whatever works for you.
When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.
But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!
You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.
But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.
People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.
I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.
Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.
That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up. Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together. If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.
Hey oldster, what was the average cost of those weddings back in the 70s/80s that you are referring to? Oh, that’s right, a fraction of what a wedding costs today. You sound as dim as the Boomers who go on and on about how they own a home (they bought for $85,000) and they just don’t understand why young people can’t afford a home these days, they’re probably poor because they buy Starbucks. Weddings are astronomically pricier these days, so no, not everyone and their kids can be invited.
Well we did our wedding 30+ years ago at a church. Since we had to pay ourselves and were young and poor, we also held the reception at the church fellowship hall. Hired a church member who ran a catering business to provide the food, and donated to the church to have several of the "women of the church" help with serving the food.
Since it was at a church, there was no dancing, alcohol, etc. It was a 2 hour luncheon/cut the cake and we were done. Then we paid the janitor fee.
So our wedding, including the rehearsal dinner (also at the church fellowship hall, so no alcohol yet again) was about $4K total for 120 people.
But most people are not willing to do that type of wedding and reception
But it can still be done for under $8K
I don’t know anyone who has had that kind of wedding, and I sure would rather get a sitter and go to a fun wedding with alcohol and good food and dancing.
But the point is that some of the wedding expenses these days are over the top because the couple wants amazing photos. The venue has to look amazing, for the photos. The food has to look amazing, for the photos. But It doesn’t really need to be that expensive to be fun. We got married fifteen years ago for about $18K for ~150 people with an open bar, dancing (just a DJ not a band) and it was lovely. A friend’s wedding that happened before us cost $40K with a live band the bride loved very much and a choice of three desserts. Great, if you can afford it! Both weddings allowed kids.
No work friend thinks your invitation includes their kids and no work friend with a live brain will bring their kids to your wedding. I have never gone to a wedding where I saw kids at the work friend table. Someone raised that as a strawman earlier and it’s laughable. Nobody does this unless you work with complete idiots. Similarly, no work friend will be offended if you spell out for them that their kids are not invited. They know the drill.
The point of inviting kids is so that the kids can hang out together and get to know one another, and have family experiences together. Because weddings are about family, and not just about you.
So invite kids or don’t, your choice. We’ll just secretly judge you.
I had kids at my wedding, which was 11 years ago, so calm down. That said, it was fun and worthwhile for people to travel to, not some church basement lame-fest.
Sounds like what you are describing is a *family reunion.* Why are you so cheap? If family is actually important to you, you’ll plan and pay for a family reunion. My family does that every few years, so do my ILs. You can rent a beach house if you want people to pay their own way. Why are you so cheap as to expect brides and grooms to foot the bill so you can have a freebie family reunion?
Oh wait, talk is cheap and you don’t value family so much that you hold reunions; if it was a priority, you would host reunions. And you don’t. You piggyback on other people’s weddings. (And funerals, from the sound of you.)
I am PP you are responding to, and I guess I AM too cheap to pay for a family reunion, because weddings do mostly still perform this function for us and I need to save the money for my teenagers going to college. So, sick burn I guess?
My point above is that weddings can cost different amounts and your costs will range depending on what you value. If your wedding is so fancy and expensive that having kids at it would ruin the experience for you, you are valuing different things than my extended family does. You can do that, that’s your choice. I will just judge you a bit. Not sure why some of you are so mad at me for that. These are your choices so you should be happy to stand by them.
It’s a little funny to me because the bride and groom are most likely childless when making these decisions and yet also the likeliest people in the room to experience schadenfreude over the exclusion of kids because chances are they are the likeliest people in the room to be having kids in a few years. So, the folks who were anti children for their OWN wedding will then often get to experience exclusionary kid policies for the next eighteen years, which seems only fitting to me. If they could have just exercised their imagination a bit, they might have seen why inviting kids might be nice and ultimately beneficial for them. It’s always funny to get the baby shower invite of someone who had a child free wedding two years later, like clockwork. Wait so NOW you value children? Okay my dude.
(I actually do have some great memories from being at wakes when I was a kid, before services started off in a side room, while my cousins and I all grappled in our heads with the very dead body in the room next door. That sort of thing brought us together in a weird way. Family, man.)
So, is holding a full reunion-level bash for people too expensive, or not expensive? It's too much for you to pay for, so you want the Zoomer kids to expand their celebration and take the hit for you?
Not inviting kids seems to be more of a new trend that people are choosing because … reasons. Traditionally, kids are generally invited to weddings, so inviting them isn’t really an “expansion” — rather, NOT inviting kids is a new cut and a change to how families got together in the past. If newlyweds want to cut kids out of their wedding events, that’s largely a change from what used to happen and a change to many family dynamics where kids were a natural, accepted part of the celebration. Which is what people are remarking on.
I don’t think it’s a trend. I had a no kid wedding twenty years ago and it wasn’t uncommon then.
Are you divorced or unhappy in your marriage now?
Dp. I had a child-free wedding mid 90s and it was very common. I'm still married as are my coworkers who did the same. How gross to assume that because we choose differently from you and your provincial friends that we are less family oriented and more likely to be divorced. You're kind of dumb and very narrow minded.
+1
Most marriages are actually healthier when the couple gets to enjoy some time WITHOUT their kids. So date night, attending weddings or a show, or going out to dinner or spending a night away in a hotel are all healthy things that normal couples do without their kids at times. I'd argue someone who is capable of spending a few Hours without their kids and together as a couple is most likely happier as a married couple than ones who don't prioritize doing that from time to time
Good lord, my husband and I have plenty of date nights. Being invited to a family wedding, without half of our family, is insulting and I don't choose to go out of town and leave my kids behind for that sort of insult. So we decline. I dont need your patronizing "you know, we are so excited to give you an opportunity for a weekend away alone!" because we do take weekends away alone, to a location of our choosing, at a convenient time of year for us, not to Tulsa on a Sunday/Monday in August.
When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.
But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!
You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.
But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.
People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.
I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.
Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.
That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up. Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together. If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.
Hey oldster, what was the average cost of those weddings back in the 70s/80s that you are referring to? Oh, that’s right, a fraction of what a wedding costs today. You sound as dim as the Boomers who go on and on about how they own a home (they bought for $85,000) and they just don’t understand why young people can’t afford a home these days, they’re probably poor because they buy Starbucks. Weddings are astronomically pricier these days, so no, not everyone and their kids can be invited.
Well we did our wedding 30+ years ago at a church. Since we had to pay ourselves and were young and poor, we also held the reception at the church fellowship hall. Hired a church member who ran a catering business to provide the food, and donated to the church to have several of the "women of the church" help with serving the food.
Since it was at a church, there was no dancing, alcohol, etc. It was a 2 hour luncheon/cut the cake and we were done. Then we paid the janitor fee.
So our wedding, including the rehearsal dinner (also at the church fellowship hall, so no alcohol yet again) was about $4K total for 120 people.
But most people are not willing to do that type of wedding and reception
But it can still be done for under $8K
I don’t know anyone who has had that kind of wedding, and I sure would rather get a sitter and go to a fun wedding with alcohol and good food and dancing.
But the point is that some of the wedding expenses these days are over the top because the couple wants amazing photos. The venue has to look amazing, for the photos. The food has to look amazing, for the photos. But It doesn’t really need to be that expensive to be fun. We got married fifteen years ago for about $18K for ~150 people with an open bar, dancing (just a DJ not a band) and it was lovely. A friend’s wedding that happened before us cost $40K with a live band the bride loved very much and a choice of three desserts. Great, if you can afford it! Both weddings allowed kids.
No work friend thinks your invitation includes their kids and no work friend with a live brain will bring their kids to your wedding. I have never gone to a wedding where I saw kids at the work friend table. Someone raised that as a strawman earlier and it’s laughable. Nobody does this unless you work with complete idiots. Similarly, no work friend will be offended if you spell out for them that their kids are not invited. They know the drill.
The point of inviting kids is so that the kids can hang out together and get to know one another, and have family experiences together. Because weddings are about family, and not just about you.
So invite kids or don’t, your choice. We’ll just secretly judge you.
I had kids at my wedding, which was 11 years ago, so calm down. That said, it was fun and worthwhile for people to travel to, not some church basement lame-fest.
Sounds like what you are describing is a *family reunion.* Why are you so cheap? If family is actually important to you, you’ll plan and pay for a family reunion. My family does that every few years, so do my ILs. You can rent a beach house if you want people to pay their own way. Why are you so cheap as to expect brides and grooms to foot the bill so you can have a freebie family reunion?
Oh wait, talk is cheap and you don’t value family so much that you hold reunions; if it was a priority, you would host reunions. And you don’t. You piggyback on other people’s weddings. (And funerals, from the sound of you.)
I am PP you are responding to, and I guess I AM too cheap to pay for a family reunion, because weddings do mostly still perform this function for us and I need to save the money for my teenagers going to college. So, sick burn I guess?
My point above is that weddings can cost different amounts and your costs will range depending on what you value. If your wedding is so fancy and expensive that having kids at it would ruin the experience for you, you are valuing different things than my extended family does. You can do that, that’s your choice. I will just judge you a bit. Not sure why some of you are so mad at me for that. These are your choices so you should be happy to stand by them.
It’s a little funny to me because the bride and groom are most likely childless when making these decisions and yet also the likeliest people in the room to experience schadenfreude over the exclusion of kids because chances are they are the likeliest people in the room to be having kids in a few years. So, the folks who were anti children for their OWN wedding will then often get to experience exclusionary kid policies for the next eighteen years, which seems only fitting to me. If they could have just exercised their imagination a bit, they might have seen why inviting kids might be nice and ultimately beneficial for them. It’s always funny to get the baby shower invite of someone who had a child free wedding two years later, like clockwork. Wait so NOW you value children? Okay my dude.
(I actually do have some great memories from being at wakes when I was a kid, before services started off in a side room, while my cousins and I all grappled in our heads with the very dead body in the room next door. That sort of thing brought us together in a weird way. Family, man.)
So, is holding a full reunion-level bash for people too expensive, or not expensive? It's too much for you to pay for, so you want the Zoomer kids to expand their celebration and take the hit for you?
Not inviting kids seems to be more of a new trend that people are choosing because … reasons. Traditionally, kids are generally invited to weddings, so inviting them isn’t really an “expansion” — rather, NOT inviting kids is a new cut and a change to how families got together in the past. If newlyweds want to cut kids out of their wedding events, that’s largely a change from what used to happen and a change to many family dynamics where kids were a natural, accepted part of the celebration. Which is what people are remarking on.
I don’t think it’s a trend. I had a no kid wedding twenty years ago and it wasn’t uncommon then.
Are you divorced or unhappy in your marriage now?
Dp. I had a child-free wedding mid 90s and it was very common. I'm still married as are my coworkers who did the same. How gross to assume that because we choose differently from you and your provincial friends that we are less family oriented and more likely to be divorced. You're kind of dumb and very narrow minded.
+1
Most marriages are actually healthier when the couple gets to enjoy some time WITHOUT their kids. So date night, attending weddings or a show, or going out to dinner or spending a night away in a hotel are all healthy things that normal couples do without their kids at times. I'd argue someone who is capable of spending a few Hours without their kids and together as a couple is most likely happier as a married couple than ones who don't prioritize doing that from time to time
Good lord, my husband and I have plenty of date nights. Being invited to a family wedding, without half of our family, is insulting and I don't choose to go out of town and leave my kids behind for that sort of insult. So we decline. I dont need your patronizing "you know, we are so excited to give you an opportunity for a weekend away alone!" because we do take weekends away alone, to a location of our choosing, at a convenient time of year for us, not to Tulsa on a Sunday/Monday in August.
I bet your kids are insulted when you go on date night without them. What garbage parents.
When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.
But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!
You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.
But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.
People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.
I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.
Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.
That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up. Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together. If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.
Hey oldster, what was the average cost of those weddings back in the 70s/80s that you are referring to? Oh, that’s right, a fraction of what a wedding costs today. You sound as dim as the Boomers who go on and on about how they own a home (they bought for $85,000) and they just don’t understand why young people can’t afford a home these days, they’re probably poor because they buy Starbucks. Weddings are astronomically pricier these days, so no, not everyone and their kids can be invited.
Well we did our wedding 30+ years ago at a church. Since we had to pay ourselves and were young and poor, we also held the reception at the church fellowship hall. Hired a church member who ran a catering business to provide the food, and donated to the church to have several of the "women of the church" help with serving the food.
Since it was at a church, there was no dancing, alcohol, etc. It was a 2 hour luncheon/cut the cake and we were done. Then we paid the janitor fee.
So our wedding, including the rehearsal dinner (also at the church fellowship hall, so no alcohol yet again) was about $4K total for 120 people.
But most people are not willing to do that type of wedding and reception
But it can still be done for under $8K
I don’t know anyone who has had that kind of wedding, and I sure would rather get a sitter and go to a fun wedding with alcohol and good food and dancing.
But the point is that some of the wedding expenses these days are over the top because the couple wants amazing photos. The venue has to look amazing, for the photos. The food has to look amazing, for the photos. But It doesn’t really need to be that expensive to be fun. We got married fifteen years ago for about $18K for ~150 people with an open bar, dancing (just a DJ not a band) and it was lovely. A friend’s wedding that happened before us cost $40K with a live band the bride loved very much and a choice of three desserts. Great, if you can afford it! Both weddings allowed kids.
No work friend thinks your invitation includes their kids and no work friend with a live brain will bring their kids to your wedding. I have never gone to a wedding where I saw kids at the work friend table. Someone raised that as a strawman earlier and it’s laughable. Nobody does this unless you work with complete idiots. Similarly, no work friend will be offended if you spell out for them that their kids are not invited. They know the drill.
The point of inviting kids is so that the kids can hang out together and get to know one another, and have family experiences together. Because weddings are about family, and not just about you.
So invite kids or don’t, your choice. We’ll just secretly judge you.
I had kids at my wedding, which was 11 years ago, so calm down. That said, it was fun and worthwhile for people to travel to, not some church basement lame-fest.
Sounds like what you are describing is a *family reunion.* Why are you so cheap? If family is actually important to you, you’ll plan and pay for a family reunion. My family does that every few years, so do my ILs. You can rent a beach house if you want people to pay their own way. Why are you so cheap as to expect brides and grooms to foot the bill so you can have a freebie family reunion?
Oh wait, talk is cheap and you don’t value family so much that you hold reunions; if it was a priority, you would host reunions. And you don’t. You piggyback on other people’s weddings. (And funerals, from the sound of you.)
I am PP you are responding to, and I guess I AM too cheap to pay for a family reunion, because weddings do mostly still perform this function for us and I need to save the money for my teenagers going to college. So, sick burn I guess?
My point above is that weddings can cost different amounts and your costs will range depending on what you value. If your wedding is so fancy and expensive that having kids at it would ruin the experience for you, you are valuing different things than my extended family does. You can do that, that’s your choice. I will just judge you a bit. Not sure why some of you are so mad at me for that. These are your choices so you should be happy to stand by them.
It’s a little funny to me because the bride and groom are most likely childless when making these decisions and yet also the likeliest people in the room to experience schadenfreude over the exclusion of kids because chances are they are the likeliest people in the room to be having kids in a few years. So, the folks who were anti children for their OWN wedding will then often get to experience exclusionary kid policies for the next eighteen years, which seems only fitting to me. If they could have just exercised their imagination a bit, they might have seen why inviting kids might be nice and ultimately beneficial for them. It’s always funny to get the baby shower invite of someone who had a child free wedding two years later, like clockwork. Wait so NOW you value children? Okay my dude.
(I actually do have some great memories from being at wakes when I was a kid, before services started off in a side room, while my cousins and I all grappled in our heads with the very dead body in the room next door. That sort of thing brought us together in a weird way. Family, man.)
So, is holding a full reunion-level bash for people too expensive, or not expensive? It's too much for you to pay for, so you want the Zoomer kids to expand their celebration and take the hit for you?
Not inviting kids seems to be more of a new trend that people are choosing because … reasons. Traditionally, kids are generally invited to weddings, so inviting them isn’t really an “expansion” — rather, NOT inviting kids is a new cut and a change to how families got together in the past. If newlyweds want to cut kids out of their wedding events, that’s largely a change from what used to happen and a change to many family dynamics where kids were a natural, accepted part of the celebration. Which is what people are remarking on.
I don’t think it’s a trend. I had a no kid wedding twenty years ago and it wasn’t uncommon then.
Are you divorced or unhappy in your marriage now?
Dp. I had a child-free wedding mid 90s and it was very common. I'm still married as are my coworkers who did the same. How gross to assume that because we choose differently from you and your provincial friends that we are less family oriented and more likely to be divorced. You're kind of dumb and very narrow minded.
+1
Most marriages are actually healthier when the couple gets to enjoy some time WITHOUT their kids. So date night, attending weddings or a show, or going out to dinner or spending a night away in a hotel are all healthy things that normal couples do without their kids at times. I'd argue someone who is capable of spending a few Hours without their kids and together as a couple is most likely happier as a married couple than ones who don't prioritize doing that from time to time
Good lord, my husband and I have plenty of date nights. Being invited to a family wedding, without half of our family, is insulting and I don't choose to go out of town and leave my kids behind for that sort of insult. So we decline. I dont need your patronizing "you know, we are so excited to give you an opportunity for a weekend away alone!" because we do take weekends away alone, to a location of our choosing, at a convenient time of year for us, not to Tulsa on a Sunday/Monday in August.
When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.
But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!
You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.
But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.
People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.
I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.
Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.
That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up. Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together. If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.
Hey oldster, what was the average cost of those weddings back in the 70s/80s that you are referring to? Oh, that’s right, a fraction of what a wedding costs today. You sound as dim as the Boomers who go on and on about how they own a home (they bought for $85,000) and they just don’t understand why young people can’t afford a home these days, they’re probably poor because they buy Starbucks. Weddings are astronomically pricier these days, so no, not everyone and their kids can be invited.
Well we did our wedding 30+ years ago at a church. Since we had to pay ourselves and were young and poor, we also held the reception at the church fellowship hall. Hired a church member who ran a catering business to provide the food, and donated to the church to have several of the "women of the church" help with serving the food.
Since it was at a church, there was no dancing, alcohol, etc. It was a 2 hour luncheon/cut the cake and we were done. Then we paid the janitor fee.
So our wedding, including the rehearsal dinner (also at the church fellowship hall, so no alcohol yet again) was about $4K total for 120 people.
But most people are not willing to do that type of wedding and reception
But it can still be done for under $8K
I don’t know anyone who has had that kind of wedding, and I sure would rather get a sitter and go to a fun wedding with alcohol and good food and dancing.
But the point is that some of the wedding expenses these days are over the top because the couple wants amazing photos. The venue has to look amazing, for the photos. The food has to look amazing, for the photos. But It doesn’t really need to be that expensive to be fun. We got married fifteen years ago for about $18K for ~150 people with an open bar, dancing (just a DJ not a band) and it was lovely. A friend’s wedding that happened before us cost $40K with a live band the bride loved very much and a choice of three desserts. Great, if you can afford it! Both weddings allowed kids.
No work friend thinks your invitation includes their kids and no work friend with a live brain will bring their kids to your wedding. I have never gone to a wedding where I saw kids at the work friend table. Someone raised that as a strawman earlier and it’s laughable. Nobody does this unless you work with complete idiots. Similarly, no work friend will be offended if you spell out for them that their kids are not invited. They know the drill.
The point of inviting kids is so that the kids can hang out together and get to know one another, and have family experiences together. Because weddings are about family, and not just about you.
So invite kids or don’t, your choice. We’ll just secretly judge you.
I had kids at my wedding, which was 11 years ago, so calm down. That said, it was fun and worthwhile for people to travel to, not some church basement lame-fest.
Sounds like what you are describing is a *family reunion.* Why are you so cheap? If family is actually important to you, you’ll plan and pay for a family reunion. My family does that every few years, so do my ILs. You can rent a beach house if you want people to pay their own way. Why are you so cheap as to expect brides and grooms to foot the bill so you can have a freebie family reunion?
Oh wait, talk is cheap and you don’t value family so much that you hold reunions; if it was a priority, you would host reunions. And you don’t. You piggyback on other people’s weddings. (And funerals, from the sound of you.)
I am PP you are responding to, and I guess I AM too cheap to pay for a family reunion, because weddings do mostly still perform this function for us and I need to save the money for my teenagers going to college. So, sick burn I guess?
My point above is that weddings can cost different amounts and your costs will range depending on what you value. If your wedding is so fancy and expensive that having kids at it would ruin the experience for you, you are valuing different things than my extended family does. You can do that, that’s your choice. I will just judge you a bit. Not sure why some of you are so mad at me for that. These are your choices so you should be happy to stand by them.
It’s a little funny to me because the bride and groom are most likely childless when making these decisions and yet also the likeliest people in the room to experience schadenfreude over the exclusion of kids because chances are they are the likeliest people in the room to be having kids in a few years. So, the folks who were anti children for their OWN wedding will then often get to experience exclusionary kid policies for the next eighteen years, which seems only fitting to me. If they could have just exercised their imagination a bit, they might have seen why inviting kids might be nice and ultimately beneficial for them. It’s always funny to get the baby shower invite of someone who had a child free wedding two years later, like clockwork. Wait so NOW you value children? Okay my dude.
(I actually do have some great memories from being at wakes when I was a kid, before services started off in a side room, while my cousins and I all grappled in our heads with the very dead body in the room next door. That sort of thing brought us together in a weird way. Family, man.)
So, is holding a full reunion-level bash for people too expensive, or not expensive? It's too much for you to pay for, so you want the Zoomer kids to expand their celebration and take the hit for you?
Not inviting kids seems to be more of a new trend that people are choosing because … reasons. Traditionally, kids are generally invited to weddings, so inviting them isn’t really an “expansion” — rather, NOT inviting kids is a new cut and a change to how families got together in the past. If newlyweds want to cut kids out of their wedding events, that’s largely a change from what used to happen and a change to many family dynamics where kids were a natural, accepted part of the celebration. Which is what people are remarking on.
I don’t think it’s a trend. I had a no kid wedding twenty years ago and it wasn’t uncommon then.
Are you divorced or unhappy in your marriage now?
Dp. I had a child-free wedding mid 90s and it was very common. I'm still married as are my coworkers who did the same. How gross to assume that because we choose differently from you and your provincial friends that we are less family oriented and more likely to be divorced. You're kind of dumb and very narrow minded.
+1
Most marriages are actually healthier when the couple gets to enjoy some time WITHOUT their kids. So date night, attending weddings or a show, or going out to dinner or spending a night away in a hotel are all healthy things that normal couples do without their kids at times. I'd argue someone who is capable of spending a few Hours without their kids and together as a couple is most likely happier as a married couple than ones who don't prioritize doing that from time to time
Good lord, my husband and I have plenty of date nights. Being invited to a family wedding, without half of our family, is insulting and I don't choose to go out of town and leave my kids behind for that sort of insult. So we decline. I dont need your patronizing "you know, we are so excited to give you an opportunity for a weekend away alone!" because we do take weekends away alone, to a location of our choosing, at a convenient time of year for us, not to Tulsa on a Sunday/Monday in August.
I’m not insulted by being invited to a kid-free wedding, but I completely agree with the idea that attending someone else’s out of town wedding is not the same as a weekend away. It’s in a place I didn’t pick, on dates I didn’t pick, and the weekend is likely full of “wedding weekend events” that I would not choose to go to as part of a weekend away.
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