Disagree with the couples therapist- what do you think?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

I agree with the therapist. You can't censor someone's thoughts, only their actions.
I agree with you, in that him thinking of you as a loser is something that must be addressed. Not by censoring his thoughts, but by getting at the root cause for the thought.

Sorry, OP, it sounds like a very difficult time for you guys. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? you don't think stuff that you know better than to say out loud?

[Anonymous]

Agree with therapist if they mean that as a first step. The next step is for your husband to challenge/reframe/inhibit those thoughts, because if he is calling you a "loser" in his head, that will affect the way he feels and treats you.

Thoughts affect feelings and behaviors. That's basic CBT. Ask your therapist to explain it more. If the plan ends at "ok to call you a loser in his head all the time", you might need someone else.

[Anonymous]

Your issue is not the therapist. It's your husband who thinks you are a loser.

I'm sorry to say but once the resentment seeps into the marriage, it's almost impossible to climb out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is not the therapist. It's your husband who thinks you are a loser.

I'm sorry to say but once the resentment seeps into the marriage, it's almost impossible to climb out of it.

+1. Should your focus be on how this thought process can be changed? I differ from pp in that things can change if both parties want to make it happen but it can’t happen if only one of you is commit making it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

I agree with the therapist. You can't censor someone's thoughts, only their actions.
I agree with you, in that him thinking of you as a loser is something that must be addressed. Not by censoring his thoughts, but by getting at the root cause for the thought.

Sorry, OP, it sounds like a very difficult time for you guys. Good luck.

This. Him calling you names is not a good solution. If he thinks you are a loser - there are reasons for that - and you can discuss those thoughts - he thinks you should do X,Y, Z and you don't - and this causes him to think less of you. Calling you names only breeds resentment and may make you not want to listen further.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is just trying to begin to teach you to both become aware of how you interact together and to help you build some safety into your relationship so each of you can speak and be heard. Name calling erodes that. He needs to start to clean up his destructive patterns, you probably both do. It will take time because it requires greater self control. It can happen over time with significant effort.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the therapist on that particular point (you cannot control someone else's thoughts, but you can demand that they do not express it verbally or through body language).

BUT. I had a bad experience with our couples' therapist, and generally don't believe in them, because they tend to try and patch things up, and therefore minimize what's wrong with the relationship, and deflect blame from the person who is most responsible, if there is one who is more at fault than the other.

More importantly, many relationships have issues because one or both parties have an underlying mental health issue. Therapists are usually not trained or licensed to diagnose and treat such disorders! And because of their training which goes in a totally different direction from medical treatment of diagnoses, they may downplay the impact of depression, ADHD, anxiety, OCD, autism, etc, on the relationship.

My husband has diagnosed ADHD for which he refuses treatment, and most of his frustrating behaviors stem from that disorder. Our therapist refused to address the elephant in the room and kept wanting to talk about his relation with his parents. I was hoping she would suggest that he continue to examine what impact ADHD had on our relationship, but she did not, and he was comforted in his opinion that I was exaggerating a lot of his symptoms. Exceedingly aggravating.

[Anonymous]

I'm on Team Therapist here. You can't control what people think. You can only determine the cause of their thoughts and work together to change them (if you can). If he really thinks that you are a loser, then both of you need to find out the reason.

For example, you might think the therapist is a loser but you wouldn't tell him/her that...however, you have your own reasons to think that.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really with the therapist on this. If DH thinks "loser", that's a big problem. Thinking your spouse is a loser is a pretty harsh and needs to be addressed, not just told to keep in your head.

There are some bells that cannot be unrung. If the therapist doesn't dig into this, you'll always wonder if your DH is still thinking you're a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is not the therapist. It's your husband who thinks you are a loser.

I'm sorry to say but once the resentment seeps into the marriage, it's almost impossible to climb out of it.

+1. Should your focus be on how this thought process can be changed? I differ from pp in that things can change if both parties want to make it happen but it can’t happen if only one of you is commit making it happen.

+2

I'm sorry he says those things to you, OP. You don't deserve them. My dad called my mom a "dumb sh*t" once, and I've never forgotten that moment. It's no way to treat your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is not the therapist. It's your husband who thinks you are a loser.

I'm sorry to say but once the resentment seeps into the marriage, it's almost impossible to climb out of it.

+1. Should your focus be on how this thought process can be changed? I differ from pp in that things can change if both parties want to make it happen but it can’t happen if only one of you is commit making it happen.

+2

I'm sorry he says those things to you, OP. You don't deserve them. My dad called my mom a "dumb sh*t" once, and I've never forgotten that moment. It's no way to treat your spouse.

My ex-wife called me ever name in the book, and in front of the kids. It was part of her strategy of alienation, and to a certain extent it worked.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the therapists advice. You should not be wishing to know every thought of your partner. Some thoughts are ugly. But most ugly thoughts are very fleeting and quickly replaced by other more normal thoughts.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have children? If you don't you shouldn't be in this relationship. If you do, maybe you shouldn't be in this marriage.