Disagree with the couples therapist- what do you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the therapists advice. You should not be wishing to know every thought of your partner. Some thoughts are ugly. But most ugly thoughts are very fleeting and quickly replaced by other more normal thoughts.

Same, but that does not excuse your husband.

You sound like you are placing the blame on the therapist rather than your husband. I could not get past my husband thinking/calling me that. How cruel and disrespectful. I'd plan my exit strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

Sounds fair. Though eventually he should change the inner monologue to something happier or more positive.

What are you both arguing about exactly? Is one person constantly dropping the ball and being and idiot- then getting angry at being an idiot?!?

Arguing with an idiot is frustrating. The idiot likes to be name called because the. S/he can shift the focus to being a victim of name calling instead of the original F up issue. That chronic goal of escalating and aggravating the other person to avoid resolving the conflict is truly idiotic. If you do that to him or he does that to do, just stop and leave. Psycho-Villegas’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

Getting angry is an output. What is the input? That may be the biggest issue. Look into that first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

Once contempt enters into the marriage, there's nothing left. Marriages don't recover from contempt. It's really time to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy is almost never oriented to saving a marriage. Most of the time it's a last step before separation and divorce.

[Anonymous]

In terms of the immediate interaction therapist right in that it's ok to have angry, negative thoughts sometimes but you keep them to yourself (on occasion I have silently told DH to f#$# off).

Bigger picture? Therapist did not address what appears to be contempt for you. Unless a fleeting thought, that is a huge red flag that marriage is not salvageable and no amount of policing speech will address it.

If you sense (as I think you do) that your husband thinks of you in those terms more often than not, I would prepare to separate.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not going to say what event(s) or behavior(s) he’s upset, angry or contemptuous about, then just quit. You don’t want to name it then you’re already quitting.

Either talk about the underlying issues and make a plan to fix it and then do so... or quit.

I would always lose track of time getting the kids ready and it drove my husband nuts. And caused him or I to be late. He got angry every so often about it. Did I turn around and play the victim of his anger. Yes, for a year I did. What a jerk, getting angry at me, how dare he! But then I got some executive functioning coaching and got methods to keep track of time better and role model it for the kids. No more issues about lateness, no more getting angry at me!

Do what you can in your power and control before blaming others for your shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few months. Our biggest issue is that DH gets angry, curses at me, and calls me names. In our last session, I told the therapist that this week DH called me a loser in the middle of a disagreement. The therapist said that he is allowed to get angry and think those things in his head, just don’t say them out loud.

After the session I felt worse than before. If my husband thinks that about me, but just grits his teeth and holds it in, is that really better? Do you agree or disagree with the therapist’s advice?

What does he say or do to try to get through to you before it escalates into full blown arguing/cursing?

Is this a pattern? What and who kicks off the pattern?

[Anonymous]

So you want the therapist to hypnotize your husband so that he no longer has negative thoughts about you?

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy was a joke for my marriage. I wish I had that $10,000 back.

[Anonymous]

He should not have said it, but he's allowed to think it. I don't believe that you've never had negative thoughts about your husband or called him something mean in your head.