Considering adopting from foster care 2 or 3 siblings

[Anonymous]

We have 3 biological children (ages 6-9). Considering adopting a 2-3 child sibling group elementary age (5-11). Are we crazy? Tell me where we would start. We live one dc but would probably prefer to adopt a sibling group from another state.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always heard you should adopt younger kids than you have for safety reasons. Older children could possibly harm your younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always heard you should adopt younger kids than you have for safety reasons. Older children could possibly harm your younger kids.

I am familiar with this adage as well but I was thinking that so long as they were roughly the same age it would probably be fine. My kids are 6 and twins that are almost 9. I thought for example a 7 and 10 year old would likely be fine. But I’m ignorant here. I want to be educated.

[Anonymous]

Those children will have a lot of trauma and need an enormous amount of time and energy. Will you be able to provide 6 children the individual attention each of them need?

[Anonymous]

How do you anticipate that the adoption would impact your current three children?

[Anonymous]

Disrupting the birth older may make the adjustment more challenging for you 9 year old. Being the oldest is part of his identity. It was very important to my biological child when we discussed adoption, that we adopt a child younger than her - even if just by a few months.

[Anonymous]

My mom had what I called a “mother Theresa complex.” Please save it for when your kids are out of your house. Your kids need more attn as they get older, not less. These kids will have a lot of trauma and much it will not be known to social workers. There is a lot inappropriate sexual behavior at that age and I would not allow it around my kids. I’m not saying not to do this if it’s a calling but please wait until your kids are out of the house. My family had a bad story and my mom came to her senses and stopped fostering until all kids were out. She’s a foster mom again and truly a wonderful person but I do not recommend this if you have little kids of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always heard you should adopt younger kids than you have for safety reasons. Older children could possibly harm your younger kids.

I am familiar with this adage as well but I was thinking that so long as they were roughly the same age it would probably be fine. My kids are 6 and twins that are almost 9. I thought for example a 7 and 10 year old would likely be fine. But I’m ignorant here. I want to be educated.

Ugh really? You thought that would be a good idea?

Did you put any thought into this at all? Do even an tiny bit of research?

Having same age children sets up a competition better kids for your time and attention. Add in that children in foster care have experienced trauma and really need that opportunity to be the center of someone’s attention.

What you are envisioning is that it will be like hosting a very long play date. The kids will move in and just get into the groove of your routine as a family and adjust after a week or so and that’s that. You will sign them for sports and extra curricular, you will take cute photos of all the kids and post them to Instagram etc

This reminds me of this woman that was in my foster care training classes. The social worker said to us potential foster parents that wanting a playmate for your child is not a good reason to foster and the woman looked shocked and then admitted that’s why she was signing up. She also didn’t see a problem with hosting various homeless men in her home at the same time she would have a foster child ( she did this as a charitable act - she wasn’t in an relationship with them)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those children will have a lot of trauma and need an enormous amount of time and energy. Will you be able to provide 6 children the individual attention each of them need?[/quote

Dh and I each grew up as one of 6. For us i believe it is a manageable number of children but i understand why for a lot of people it would seem not to be. We are also fortunate in that we have professional help if we need it and a strong family and community network.

But can I be certain that it will be perfect. Of course not. This is why I want to become more educated. So that I understand your background, have you adopted foster children? If not is your background founded in actual experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always heard you should adopt younger kids than you have for safety reasons. Older children could possibly harm your younger kids.

I am familiar with this adage as well but I was thinking that so long as they were roughly the same age it would probably be fine. My kids are 6 and twins that are almost 9. I thought for example a 7 and 10 year old would likely be fine. But I’m ignorant here. I want to be educated.

Ugh really? You thought that would be a good idea?

Did you put any thought into this at all? Do even an tiny bit of research?

Having same age children sets up a competition better kids for your time and attention. Add in that children in foster care have experienced trauma and really need that opportunity to be the center of someone’s attention.

What you are envisioning is that it will be like hosting a very long play date. The kids will move in and just get into the groove of your routine as a family and adjust after a week or so and that’s that. You will sign them for sports and extra curricular, you will take cute photos of all the kids and post them to Instagram etc

This reminds me of this woman that was in my foster care training classes. The social worker said to us potential foster parents that wanting a playmate for your child is not a good reason to foster and the woman looked shocked and then admitted that’s why she was signing up. She also didn’t see a problem with hosting various homeless men in her home at the same time she would have a foster their own sel child ( she did this as a charitable act - she wasn’t in an relationship with them)

Op here. Do you ave children? Raising kids is nothing like a long play date. Sure there are parts of it that are pure joy but there is a lot of work and it is complicated. Children have personalities and their own view points shaped by their own self centered worlds and because they are kids. I envision literally all of that plus parts of their childhood that are unfathomable to me and unfairly hard for them. Sometimes I hope I will know exactly how to make them feel safe and loved. Sometimes I’ll try and I won’t. There will be ups and downs more so than we probably have now. It will make many thing harder for my family but with greater lows comes greater highs too. It will change my children’s upbringing but in a way that dh and I perceive to overall better than worse. That’s what I envision. But then again I could be entirely wrong. But no one has kids because it will be easy. I am certain that any kids we adopt will be better off for it. I am certain that my children will be better human beings for it and I know that we understand the financial and time commitments involved and prepared for that.

Obviously I am still researching but responses like yours are truly unhelpful. And sadly why so many kids who could use a home are in foster care. And you competition between kids argument. That is part of being a parent and part of being a kid. And part of being and adult too. My eldest are twins so yes I do believe that I am intimately familiar with it already.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your decision to consider adding to your family! As an adoptive parent, I’d strongly urge you to not disrupt the birth order.

[Anonymous]

I would make sure they are all younger than your youngest child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your decision to consider adding to your family! As an adoptive parent, I’d strongly urge you to not disrupt the birth order.

Please elaborate on this. Please remember that my eldest are fraternal twins so normal first born hierarchy does not apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your decision to consider adding to your family! As an adoptive parent, I’d strongly urge you to not disrupt the birth order.

Please elaborate on this. Please remember that my eldest are fraternal twins so normal first born hierarchy does not apply.

You need to do far more research.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a really nice person, OP.

Are you going to foster them first, just to make sure the chemistry works?