Considering adopting from foster care 2 or 3 siblings

[Anonymous]

Have you been around the population of kids who end up in foster care? I work at a school that is 100% free and reduced lunch eligible. The kids that end up in foster care are the ones that not only have suffered abuse and/or neglect, they don't have stable extended relatives to take them in so they have to grow up quickly. To survive when your mom is so out of it that she doesn't feed you AND there is no concerned grandmother or aunt to check in on you means you need to often lie, steal, fight, etc. because you can't trust anyone. These kids often have to grow up so quickly a 7 year old may have the street vocabulary of a 14 year old. A sibling group of 2 or 3 elementary foster kids don't need to be in a house with 3 other kids, they need what they never have had- attention. You sound really naive, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your decision to consider adding to your family! As an adoptive parent, I’d strongly urge you to not disrupt the birth order.

Please elaborate on this. Please remember that my eldest are fraternal twins so normal first born hierarchy does not apply.

Yes it does!

You are extremely clueless, I don’t even know where to begin.

You truly believe your twins don’t have an identity around being the oldest in the family? Their entire lives they have been the biggest kids in the house. They’re the older siblings. Much of their social skills stems from that identity. Adding an older kid disrupts the way they’ve always socialized at home. Not only do they have to get used to another new family member - but they also have to get used to being a little brother/sister for the first time in their life. That’s like adding an extra obstacle to an already difficult transition.

Also, do I’ve if you stay home with your kids? I’ve never met a family with 4+ kids without a SAH parent because the logistics are too much. Something to think about...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always heard you should adopt younger kids than you have for safety reasons. Older children could possibly harm your younger kids.

I am familiar with this adage as well but I was thinking that so long as they were roughly the same age it would probably be fine. My kids are 6 and twins that are almost 9. I thought for example a 7 and 10 year old would likely be fine. But I’m ignorant here. I want to be educated.

I do actually know a real, live family in which younger bio children were molested by older adopted ones. Your 6 year old is vulnerable. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

I would also worry that the oldest of a whole sibling group would feel weird being a middle child in a whole new family.

OP, have you considered fostering a newborn or baby under 6 months? That's the easiest case scenario. Alternatively, you could look into being a "mentor mom" for a young, vunerable at-risk mother. That way, you'd be helping to keep a natural family intact and making a difference. I think that the Gabriel Network is a Christian/Catholic organization that can facilitate this mentorship, but there must be other organizations out there as well. I wish you the best, OP. You have a good heart, but please be careful.

[Anonymous]

I adopted from foster care and adopted out of birth order. Thing is, you can find people who had good experiences doing this and those who didn’t. There are always risks with adding to your family, even if you have a biological child. You will have to take classes before you are approved. Educate yourself there, not on DCUM where people are so negative and have no actual experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom had what I called a “mother Theresa complex.” Please save it for when your kids are out of your house. Your kids need more attn as they get older, not less. These kids will have a lot of trauma and much it will not be known to social workers. There is a lot inappropriate sexual behavior at that age and I would not allow it around my kids. I’m not saying not to do this if it’s a calling but please wait until your kids are out of the house. My family had a bad story and my mom came to her senses and stopped fostering until all kids were out. She’s a foster mom again and truly a wonderful person but I do not recommend this if you have little kids of your own.

This. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptive mom and I would love to do this.
But now now. We have two young kids adopted from birth and there's no way I could give them what they need plus add a whole new sibling group that has experienced trauma.
I would consider this when my kids are much older and out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I adopted from foster care and adopted out of birth order. Thing is, you can find people who had good experiences doing this and those who didn’t. There are always risks with adding to your family, even if you have a biological child. You will have to take classes before you are approved. Educate yourself there, not on DCUM where people are so negative and have no actual experience.

Op here. Thank you. I’m not naive to birth order. I just don’t think it is the end all and be all. I also think the posters on here so obsessed with it clearly never raised twins before. I also believe that it is good for people to recognize that hierarchy can and will change. We are signed up for an info session next week and then 30 hours of classes thereafter.

And to the extent it matters dh was a teacher in dcps with homeless foster and adopted children. He would stay home full time. I don’t think six children is so
Difficult but we aren’t such fools as to think it is easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you been around the population of kids who end up in foster care? I work at a school that is 100% free and reduced lunch eligible. The kids that end up in foster care are the ones that not only have suffered abuse and/or neglect, they don't have stable extended relatives to take them in so they have to grow up quickly. To survive when your mom is so out of it that she doesn't feed you AND there is no concerned grandmother or aunt to check in on you means you need to often lie, steal, fight, etc. because you can't trust anyone. These kids often have to grow up so quickly a 7 year old may have the street vocabulary of a 14 year old. A sibling group of 2 or 3 elementary foster kids don't need to be in a house with 3 other kids, they need what they never have had- attention. You sound really naive, OP.

They also often have drug or alcohol exposure and family history of mental health issues. Some kids adjust and thrive and some have life long issues. They will need mental health treatment as they were removed and if it is straight adoption have been in multiple foster homes. Most at least at first will have behavior problems. They are also often behind academically. Some will need ot, pt and or speech therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I adopted from foster care and adopted out of birth order. Thing is, you can find people who had good experiences doing this and those who didn’t. There are always risks with adding to your family, even if you have a biological child. You will have to take classes before you are approved. Educate yourself there, not on DCUM where people are so negative and have no actual experience.

Op here. Thank you. I’m not naive to birth order. I just don’t think it is the end all and be all. I also think the posters on here so obsessed with it clearly never raised twins before. I also believe that it is good for people to recognize that hierarchy can and will change. We are signed up for an info session next week and then 30 hours of classes thereafter.

And to the extent it matters dh was a teacher in dcps with homeless foster and adopted children. He would stay home full time. I don’t think six children is so
Difficult but we aren’t such fools as to think it is easy.

Op, six kids is difficult as each will have very different needs. The kids joining your family will need lots of support and attention and when yours get lesss yours will probably act out some. There are lots of studies on keeping birth order and not artificially twinning kids. It is nothing like having three kids, one set twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adoptive mom and I would love to do this.
But now now. We have two young kids adopted from birth and there's no way I could give them what they need plus add a whole new sibling group that has experienced trauma.
I would consider this when my kids are much older and out of the house.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think the posters and the OP are getting bogged down in the birth order thing, but the bigger issue is that she has three elementary-aged kids, and wants to add three severely traumatized kids to the mix.

This is a terrible idea. Just awful. You cannot meet the needs of the foster kids and your own kids at the same time.

Not to mention all of the drama around fostering itself, including uncertainty about whether a family member or friend is going to come out of the woodwork and want the kids.

[Anonymous]

As a kid who grew up with deeply traumatic home situation with a biological sibling, I truly can’t fathom making a choice to do this to your children. Sure it can go right, but if it goes wrong...your kids have one life and you’re not putting them first right now. They will remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure they are all younger than your youngest child.

This. But really I think you should wait till your kids are out of the house

[Anonymous]

Gosh I hope this is a troll post. I have 5 brothers and sisters and life was complicated enough when we were all related. And a big strain on my parents.
OP sounds very naive.