It’s like I don’t exist other than to hand off DS
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Anonymous
| I’m sorry because I know it’s cliche around here, but I’m at my wits end with my MIL. My DH works in an industry that takes him on the road for weeks, sometimes months at a time. It’s a particularly busy time for him right now, so I’ve been mostly on my own for the month. DH family are such takers, always wanting, wondering what you can do for them. It’s exhausting. Of course because DH is away so much, everything falls on my shoulders. For the most part, I deal with it just fine. I do what I can, say no to what I can’t. My MIL is so manipulative, I feel. Take this latest exchange. She texts me a picture from Christmas, said she found it on her phone. We exchange niceties about the holidays, she even asked me about how things were going for me. I answer, ask her how things are with her. She responds with, “Anytime soon a good time for you to bring DS over for a visit?” This happens every time! I would love one conversation that didn’t revert back to what I can do for them! You want a favor of me, fine. Just ask! Please stop with the unnecessary niceties. I don’t need fluffing. I can’t stand it and I’m this close to cutting off all contact while my husband is away. Please talk some sense into me! |
Anonymous
| I don’t think you bringing the kid over is a “favor”? |
Anonymous
| Tell her you are parenting alone, working full time (if you are) and that while you'd love for DS to see her, you cannot spend a day driving back and forth and if she'd like to see him she is welcome to come to your house. |
Anonymous
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I would encourage you to remember the positive: she wants to visit with your son. Is there a way you can do this in a way that’s helpful for you, given you are ha doing a lot at this time? Ex self care, or even kid free errands, and schedule it at a time that helps you?
I’ve found that trying to look at things with a “glass half full” view helps me feel better, even if the stressors are still there. |
Anonymous
| This is odd, can’t you drop DS off and get a break yourself? |
Anonymous
No. I don’t have time for that. I also have a sitter who I can easily pay to show up and my house. I don’t have to drive two hours for a day to myself. And this isn’t about free childcare (which I don’t need). I’m a struggling mom doing it alone and I don’t need my MIL piling on her needs and wants. |
Anonymous
This. You’re under no obligation to drive there. |
Anonymous
| You are absolutely over-reacting. She wants to see her grandchild, that’s all. You need to look at what you want from her and why. You’re an adult and don’t need a mommy-figure’s approval or interest. |
Anonymous
| "Unfortunately, with Jim gone, I don't have the capacity to drive so much. But if you would like to visit Billy, you are welcome to come visit on Sunday between 4-7. It would be tremendously helpful if you could spend time with him while I get some laundry folded; he would love to walk down to the park with you! It will just be Stouffer's lasanga, unless there's anything you'd rather bring." |
Anonymous
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I don't think it is strange at all at the end of the day that she wants to spend time with her grandchild. I get you want her to want you as a friend and to see you the way she sees her grandson but that is rare. She isn't going to invite just you over to have lunch. If you need more friends and that is why you are so jealous of your son and her spending time together, go make them, she isn't going to be your BFF.
She is calling you, making pleasant chit chat, showing an interest in you and asking about seeing her grandson. that sounds completely appropriate and normal and healthy. It isn't taking to want a relationship with your children and grandchildren at all. I have no idea what your actual issue is. Maybe you are lonely and jealous, maybe you are just burnt out, maybe you are envious of her for some reason, maybe you are just incredibly sensitive, maybe you need everything to be about you...I don't know. The problem in this scenario though is you not her. Do some self reflection and try to figure out what the real issue is for you. |
Anonymous
| Any chance you are taking out your frustrations with DH’s job on your MIL? Because I can’t understand how you are complaining that she asked how your are? Or about exchanging niceties? If you don’t want to do it, say sorry, you can’t, or ask her to come to you. Don’t see how your MIL is doing anything wrong or manipulative. |
Anonymous
| Just ask her to come get the kid and take him to the park or whatvwr. |
Anonymous
If you can’t do it - you can’t do it. Why all the vicious feelings about it? Invite her to your home and let it go. She doesn’t need to like you or want to see you, OP. As long as she keeps things friendly, the relationship between she and your baby is what is important and beneficial for your baby. |
Anonymous
Completely agree with this and also posters who say just invite her over. Traditional etiquette dictates that it’s rude for someone to invite themselves over and that they can only do the inviting, is I don’t make any assumptions about her inviting rather than asking to come over. |
Anonymous
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I get why this is frustrating ... but I also get why she isn't just straight up texting you asking to see the kid -- from her POV that would be very rude! She's working to take an interest and open a conversation with you first.
Can you work with your husband for him to take care of logistics? "Hey Bryan, your mom texted to see if she could see Billy. Can you set something up with her?" |