Tell me I’m not the only one who’s husband is this infuriating

[Anonymous]

My husband only remembers to take out the trash and recycling maybe 60% of the time and when he forgets he likes to say it’s because I forgot to remind him (I think he’s partly joking but partly not). Meanwhile, other than taking care of himself he literally doesn’t have to remember anything else. I’m the one who has to remember who needs school lunches on what day, who’s library book/homework/anything is due on what day, who needs money for the book fair etc. We both work full time so it’s not like I’m the stay at home parent but it is what it is. Meanwhile, tonight my husband was walking by and I reminded him recycling goes out tonight and he replied “I know!” in a very annoyed tone. I basically told him he doesn’t get to be annoyed with my reminding him if he’s also going to blame me when he doesn’t remember and his response is that he can be annoyed when I remind him when he’s in the middle of doing something else. I know this is a little thing but I’m seriously annoyed by this. He can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

It's not a little thing. He sounds like a selfish child.

[Anonymous]

You knew you were with a man-child before you married him, but you convinced yourself that you had to become a wife and mother as soon as possible. You hoped he would change, even though deep down you knew he wouldn't. Following the life script of domesticity ("wedded bliss," "you'll never know real love until you have children of your own.") Or living the life you really want. You can't have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

I divorced one of these. Mine was a narcissist. A "crazy-maker" who would do this crap and when I finally had it, he would stop at nothing to make me look nuts.

[Anonymous]

Mine is similar. I reminded him probably at least a dozen times to do work reimbursements for *three* trips before he did them. I would do them myself if I could. I have to nag or do most things my. Exception is food shopping and cooking since that’s fully his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Read Fair Play.

[Anonymous]

Do you do literally anything for him? Laundry, cooking, etc?

If so, stop. Let him know he has to do his share in the home the hard way, even if it makes you look “crazy.” If the garbage piled up because he didn’t take it out I would place it in HIS space- closet, his office, whatever. He won’t forget after that.

I wouldn’t even share a room with a person who behaved like this. He would be on the couch or in the guest room permanently until he shaped up his act, if only because I wash my sheets regularly and I’m not doing SQUAT for someone like that including giving them a clean place to sleep.

Divide the labor today and do whatever it takes to show you mean business.

[Anonymous]

You sorta sound like you nag. Do you? And micromanage. Both traits are super irritating especially after a long day at work.

Cant you find a better approach - a sticky note on the mirror to remind him of recycling?

Or just do it yourself if it by, say, it's 10pm and it hasn't gone out yet. "Hon, I took out the recycling since you forgot and were already upstairs getting ready for bed. Any chance you can unload the dishwasher after bus stop duty and before leaving for work?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sorta sound like you nag. Do you? And micromanage. Both traits are super irritating especially after a long day at work.

Cant you find a better approach - a sticky note on the mirror to remind him of recycling?

Or just do it yourself if it by, say, it's 10pm and it hasn't gone out yet. "Hon, I took out the recycling since you forgot and were already upstairs getting ready for bed. Any chance you can unload the dishwasher after bus stop duty and before leaving for work?"

The nagging and micromanaging won’t happen if her husband acted like an adult and not a 10 yr old who forgets to do his chores. Trash goes out once a week and OP has to “remind” a grown man or he forgets!?! WTF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband only remembers to take out the trash and recycling maybe 60% of the time and when he forgets he likes to say it’s because I forgot to remind him (I think he’s partly joking but partly not). Meanwhile, other than taking care of himself he literally doesn’t have to remember anything else. I’m the one who has to remember who needs school lunches on what day, who’s library book/homework/anything is due on what day, who needs money for the book fair etc. We both work full time so it’s not like I’m the stay at home parent but it is what it is. Meanwhile, tonight my husband was walking by and I reminded him recycling goes out tonight and he replied “I know!” in a very annoyed tone. I basically told him he doesn’t get to be annoyed with my reminding him if he’s also going to blame me when he doesn’t remember and his response is that he can be annoyed when I remind him when he’s in the middle of doing something else. I know this is a little thing but I’m seriously annoyed by this. He can’t have it both ways.

This sounds like my 14 year old! Forgetful but annoyed when reminded. For other things, annoyed if not reminded.
When he’s annoyed, I say his room mates and wife will thank me later.

So you have a man-child who wasn’t raised to help around the house. He hates being told what to do. Always has and his mom gave up and just did it because it’s easier.

You can try what I do with my teen. Try being indirect. Ask him if it’s recycling or garbage this week (if it alternates) or ask “is it garbage day tomorrow”? Instead of asking,or nagging.

Set up a chore schedule for your kids with dad helping. You might not be able to change your DH but you can train your kids now to be better spouses when they grow up. Maybe he will be less annoyed if your kids remind him.

For other reminders, start asking your kids to help by writing into the calendar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sorta sound like you nag. Do you? And micromanage. Both traits are super irritating especially after a long day at work.

Cant you find a better approach - a sticky note on the mirror to remind him of recycling?

Or just do it yourself if it by, say, it's 10pm and it hasn't gone out yet. "Hon, I took out the recycling since you forgot and were already upstairs getting ready for bed. Any chance you can unload the dishwasher after bus stop duty and before leaving for work?"

She wouldn’t have to micromanage if he wasn’t a man child. He won’t empty the dishwasher. I wouldn’t do his chore.

You could try talking about the issue when you’re both calm and not rushing around and see if you can come to an agreement on how this should be dealt with so that you don’t need to remind and so he doesn’t get annoyed when you remind. Eg in the evening when kids are in bed, or on a dinner date.

[Anonymous]

Time for counseling

[Anonymous]

The posters talking about how to nag the DH about the recycling without upsetting him are really missing the point.

[Anonymous]

If he remembers 60% of the time and you take it out 40%, then it is a fairly even split, right?

[Anonymous]

Sit down with him and share that you both want the same goal: to have a clean home. Ask him what, if any, reminders work for him. How many? When? How delivered? Get down to specifics. Let him name it. If he says 2 times, the day of and only on sticky notes, then write that down. Writing it down is really important so that there’s a record and no one gets confused. Commit to following it. And let him know that beyond those reminders defined by him, you’re not saying anything AND you’re not taking the trash out. Write that down, too.

And then you have do that. If he doesn’t take it out, then the trash has to sit there. And you say nothing. Not a word. Even after he eventually takes it out, say nothing.