Hypersexuality during bipolar mania?

[Anonymous]

DH was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II, and I've also learned he was having unprotected oral sex with men while we were having sex on a regular basis.

I've learned a lot about the bipolar symptom of hypersexuality in the last month, let me tell you.

There are still a million unanswered questions about his behavior and the future of my marriage, but for now, I'm interested in other people's experiences with outrageous, out-of-the-norm, out-of-control sexual behavior by their loved ones or acquaintances with BPD. If the person wants to stop this behavior and takes their medication, are they able to maintain self-control in their crazy manic moments?

[Anonymous]

Mine cheated on me. So.

[Anonymous]

NP. My now exH was diagnosed w/ bipolar II after we divorced. Very hypersexual during hypomania. I just though he enjoyed sex with me. Unbeknownst to me he was cheating on me for many years on and off with all kinds of women (work colleagues, dating sites, prostitutes). You would be surprised - he is not the type you would expect to do this. The hypersexuality was not just about sex - it was also about having others attracted to him - so love letter type writing, and also porn use, etc.

Medicine can be very helpful to squashing the mania - Ex was on lithium and Seroquel, which worked very well. I don’t think he wanted to cheat when medicated, but he missed the mania and would not stick to medication which is very common in bipolar. Hypersexuality is not the only aspect of mania - there is energy, a sense of invincibility, flight of ideas, sociability, etc. They miss all that when medicated.

It took me about 4 years to figure out he was cheating. By that time I had 2 kids. Sadly, his bipolar has negatively affected his ability to parent.

I finally kicked him out. He could not stop cheating, would not take bipolar meds consistently and was misusing alcohol and prescription meds. He came from an alcoholic family and a parent was also (later) diagnosed as bipolar and had a long history of alcoholism and rehab, so the misuse was also scary to me. I was not going to raise my kids with alcoholism. I had to watch him very carefully to figure it all out.

I really encourage you to join the bpso.org website and listserv. It is the best way to hear from many significant others of people w/bipolar.

Also, consider taking NAMI Family to Family.

And get your own individual therapist - you need to learn about bipolar and the role it is playing in your relationship, but you also need to focus on yourself and any kids and create the structure necessary to survive on your own. Make sure you keep working enough to be able to support the family on your own.

Visit an attorney - if you are to stay together you will have to mania-proof your finances - separate accounts, regular credit checks, assets retitled equally 50/50, powers of attorney for finances and healthcare power of attorney.

Also, psychiatric doctor must check in with you at least monthly to get an independent readout of DH’s mood. Bipolar patients are notorious about not recognizing hypomania/mania - that’s when they think they are at their best.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

One of the challenges of mania is that it affects insight, judgment, impulse control and decision making. It makes someone disinhibited and often a risk taker. In lower levels of hypomania the person may have control (despite their distorted thoughts) but as they near mania - they really have no control. That is why in actual manic episodes hospitalization is often needed to keep them safe.

[Anonymous]

OP - BPD is often used to refer to borderline personality disorder. Just something to be aware of if you come across that acronym. I have seen BAD (bipolar affective disorder) used occasionally but there isn't a great acronym for bipolar.

[Anonymous]

I read somewhere that nearly 100% of bipolar people cheat. There is nothing you can do. Talk to a therapist about next steps.

Actually most people that cheat have some diagnosable disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - BPD is often used to refer to borderline personality disorder. Just something to be aware of if you come across that acronym. I have seen BAD (bipolar affective disorder) used occasionally but there isn't a great acronym for bipolar.

Use BPAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder) to differentiate. The A is for Affective or Mood disorder to distinguish it from the personality disorder. Since some symptoms may seem to overlap the treatments are very different.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

22:13, thank you for that correction. I've been using the wrong acronym.

22:01, thank you for all your info. If you are the one who made several posts on this topic in 2017, I want to thank you. I searched the forum for hypersexuality and your posts made me feel less alone.

DH was the most risk-averse guy I've ever known, and I had no inkling he'd ever be with a man. He still swears he has zero desire for men, that they were just easily accessible on Craigslist (he has zero game), and that he was able to mentally detach. In fact, his emotional detachment has been an issue our entire 20-year relationship, and I suspect he's on the autism spectrum, which is something else he'll be exploring with his doctor soon.

Maybe the only glimmer of hope I can draw from your post is that his mania presents negatively. Dysphoric instead of euphoric. He never exhibits any of the classic signs of mania -- he's never chipper, optimistic, energetic, gung ho. His presents as agitation, anger, impatience, irritability, and extreme anxiety. (OH AND GAY SEX. Surprise! Like what the f*ck.) So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are. He's been on lamotrigine, but the psych just added lithium for mania.

What about the memory loss? I've read that can be experienced during manic periods, but it also seems really freaking convenient that he can't recall any details about his actions. This behavior is so shocking, so risky, so nervewracking -- how does it not stick with you?? My trust is obviously gone now, so I don't know what to believe about what's bipolar-related and what's just old-fashioned cheating.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband was the same. Leave him now, especially if he refuses to take his meds, and you have children.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair with a married woman who had bpd. She was absolutely insatiable and the best sex of my life when manic.

Amazing woman but I couldn't be married to her

[Anonymous]

Memory loss is very common during manic periods.

Mom of newly diagnosed teen with BPAD

[Anonymous]

Uh. Your DH had sex with a man he met on Craigslist and is frequently angry and irritated. Are you considering leaving him, I hope???

[Anonymous]

Sec with men means he’s gay I think.

[Anonymous]

Please get tested for STIs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please get tested for STIs

That's how this all came to light.