Hypersexuality during bipolar mania?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get tested for STIs

That's how this all came to light.

NP. Is that OP replying? (You can never tell if someone might be coming on to troll, on this site.) I was coming back here to post what the PP did--to be sure both of you have been tested and getting treatment if needed. If that's OP above, I'm so sorry.

OP, the poster at 22:01 above has very solid and sobering advice, as you noted yourself.

Please heed it all, especially the one thing you can control right now, today: Go to the bank and start getting whatever money you can into your name solely. If you already have an account in your own name, salt away your paycheck into that alone, starting now. He will have to cooperate on many things (such as getting deeds into both names if they're only in his) but I would absolutely start the processes immediately, if he's remorseful and in a better state right this moment, to get yourself financially protected. Please believe me, even if his mania isn't the euphoric, I-am-a-genius type, his more depressive mania could fuel spending sprees, terrible financial choices, signing things away, huge credit card debts, etc. I've seen it happen. He will deny and deny that he would ever do that, and you might think, no, that's not how his illness presents, but to be painfully blunt, he also didn't seem the type to become hypersexual either. I have seen someone with bipolar dig out a vast hole of debt in a very short time and ruin credit probably for life because of manic spending and terrible decisions. Fortunately that person is not married or else there would be a spouse's credit and finances to wreck as well.

Also, I know that right now the focus is on the life-altering reality that he is cheating, and with men, but be aware too that he may not be telling you if things are going wrong at work. Does he have a work credit card? Misusing one is what got the bipolar person in my life fired immediately from a great and desired career-enhancing job AND ruined any chances of a reference from that job. You DH could also be on the verge of losing a job and might not tell you. You need to get yourself protected financially now, in case you come home one day to find out he has been fired--or was fired weeks ago. If he is manic outside work, he is manic AT work and you have no idea how that may be affecting things.

Your reply after 22:01 posted raised two red flags to me.

You said, "So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are." Unless he takes them in front of you every single day and you walk away certain he swallowed them and didn't spit them out, you cannot know he is taking his meds. I hate to say that; no adult wants to treat another adult like a child. But the fact is you cannot trust to your hope that he "has no reason to resist taking his meds." It is so common for people with bipolar disorder not to take them, even if they aren't experiencing the high of euporia but are dysphoric instead.

You also noted that he has memory lapses. OP, in the first post you note specific details which I assume he told you only after you or he tested positive for an STD --that the sex was oral only and the partners (all?) were from Cragislist. While that may be what he believes, if he has memory gaps I would have to assume he likely was having other kinds of sex with men, and/or was having sex with women, and was finding partners who knows where. I know that this may not matter, really; he cheated, period, and the trust is gone whether he did "only" have oral sex with only men, or whether he did more with more people. But the memory lapses mean there very possibly are other behaviors that are even riskier that you may never know. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to insist on possible inpatient treatment until he is actually taking all meds and memory lapses are ended. Something to consider.

You didn't say if you have kids. If you do, the financial protection and your own physical safety -- treatment for STDs and frankly probably no sex with him for a long time if you do end up staying with him -- are paramount.

[Anonymous]

I question the diagnosis, based on what you’ve said. Hypersexuality is common in mania, but with the dysphoria, no euphoria, and the memory loss, he doesn’t sound manic—he sounds dissociative. You should know that dissociative symptoms are commonly overlooked or misdiagnosed.

Do you happen to know what kind of adverse childhood experiences he had, and has he ever had therapy related to them?

https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get tested for STIs

That's how this all came to light.

NP. Is that OP replying? (You can never tell if someone might be coming on to troll, on this site.) I was coming back here to post what the PP did--to be sure both of you have been tested and getting treatment if needed. If that's OP above, I'm so sorry.

OP, the poster at 22:01 above has very solid and sobering advice, as you noted yourself.

Please heed it all, especially the one thing you can control right now, today: Go to the bank and start getting whatever money you can into your name solely. If you already have an account in your own name, salt away your paycheck into that alone, starting now. He will have to cooperate on many things (such as getting deeds into both names if they're only in his) but I would absolutely start the processes immediately, if he's remorseful and in a better state right this moment, to get yourself financially protected. Please believe me, even if his mania isn't the euphoric, I-am-a-genius type, his more depressive mania could fuel spending sprees, terrible financial choices, signing things away, huge credit card debts, etc. I've seen it happen. He will deny and deny that he would ever do that, and you might think, no, that's not how his illness presents, but to be painfully blunt, he also didn't seem the type to become hypersexual either. I have seen someone with bipolar dig out a vast hole of debt in a very short time and ruin credit probably for life because of manic spending and terrible decisions. Fortunately that person is not married or else there would be a spouse's credit and finances to wreck as well.

Also, I know that right now the focus is on the life-altering reality that he is cheating, and with men, but be aware too that he may not be telling you if things are going wrong at work. Does he have a work credit card? Misusing one is what got the bipolar person in my life fired immediately from a great and desired career-enhancing job AND ruined any chances of a reference from that job. You DH could also be on the verge of losing a job and might not tell you. You need to get yourself protected financially now, in case you come home one day to find out he has been fired--or was fired weeks ago. If he is manic outside work, he is manic AT work and you have no idea how that may be affecting things.

Your reply after 22:01 posted raised two red flags to me.

You said, "So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are." Unless he takes them in front of you every single day and you walk away certain he swallowed them and didn't spit them out, you cannot know he is taking his meds. I hate to say that; no adult wants to treat another adult like a child. But the fact is you cannot trust to your hope that he "has no reason to resist taking his meds." It is so common for people with bipolar disorder not to take them, even if they aren't experiencing the high of euporia but are dysphoric instead.

You also noted that he has memory lapses. OP, in the first post you note specific details which I assume he told you only after you or he tested positive for an STD --that the sex was oral only and the partners (all?) were from Cragislist. While that may be what he believes, if he has memory gaps I would have to assume he likely was having other kinds of sex with men, and/or was having sex with women, and was finding partners who knows where. I know that this may not matter, really; he cheated, period, and the trust is gone whether he did "only" have oral sex with only men, or whether he did more with more people. But the memory lapses mean there very possibly are other behaviors that are even riskier that you may never know. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to insist on possible inpatient treatment until he is actually taking all meds and memory lapses are ended. Something to consider.

You didn't say if you have kids. If you do, the financial protection and your own physical safety -- treatment for STDs and frankly probably no sex with him for a long time if you do end up staying with him -- are paramount.

If you are married the only financial protection is through divorce. Funds that are squirreled away into one spouse's bank account are still marital property, same with debt (although a cc company may not be able to come after OP's accounts, debts still need to be accounted for in a marital split). Even if OP wants to stay together, it may make sense to consider a legal divorce, depending on she discovers. And remain vigilant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get tested for STIs

That's how this all came to light.

NP. Is that OP replying? (You can never tell if someone might be coming on to troll, on this site.) I was coming back here to post what the PP did--to be sure both of you have been tested and getting treatment if needed. If that's OP above, I'm so sorry.

OP, the poster at 22:01 above has very solid and sobering advice, as you noted yourself.

Please heed it all, especially the one thing you can control right now, today: Go to the bank and start getting whatever money you can into your name solely. If you already have an account in your own name, salt away your paycheck into that alone, starting now. He will have to cooperate on many things (such as getting deeds into both names if they're only in his) but I would absolutely start the processes immediately, if he's remorseful and in a better state right this moment, to get yourself financially protected. Please believe me, even if his mania isn't the euphoric, I-am-a-genius type, his more depressive mania could fuel spending sprees, terrible financial choices, signing things away, huge credit card debts, etc. I've seen it happen. He will deny and deny that he would ever do that, and you might think, no, that's not how his illness presents, but to be painfully blunt, he also didn't seem the type to become hypersexual either. I have seen someone with bipolar dig out a vast hole of debt in a very short time and ruin credit probably for life because of manic spending and terrible decisions. Fortunately that person is not married or else there would be a spouse's credit and finances to wreck as well.

Also, I know that right now the focus is on the life-altering reality that he is cheating, and with men, but be aware too that he may not be telling you if things are going wrong at work. Does he have a work credit card? Misusing one is what got the bipolar person in my life fired immediately from a great and desired career-enhancing job AND ruined any chances of a reference from that job. You DH could also be on the verge of losing a job and might not tell you. You need to get yourself protected financially now, in case you come home one day to find out he has been fired--or was fired weeks ago. If he is manic outside work, he is manic AT work and you have no idea how that may be affecting things.

Your reply after 22:01 posted raised two red flags to me.

You said, "So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are." Unless he takes them in front of you every single day and you walk away certain he swallowed them and didn't spit them out, you cannot know he is taking his meds. I hate to say that; no adult wants to treat another adult like a child. But the fact is you cannot trust to your hope that he "has no reason to resist taking his meds." It is so common for people with bipolar disorder not to take them, even if they aren't experiencing the high of euporia but are dysphoric instead.

You also noted that he has memory lapses. OP, in the first post you note specific details which I assume he told you only after you or he tested positive for an STD --that the sex was oral only and the partners (all?) were from Cragislist. While that may be what he believes, if he has memory gaps I would have to assume he likely was having other kinds of sex with men, and/or was having sex with women, and was finding partners who knows where. I know that this may not matter, really; he cheated, period, and the trust is gone whether he did "only" have oral sex with only men, or whether he did more with more people. But the memory lapses mean there very possibly are other behaviors that are even riskier that you may never know. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to insist on possible inpatient treatment until he is actually taking all meds and memory lapses are ended. Something to consider.

You didn't say if you have kids. If you do, the financial protection and your own physical safety -- treatment for STDs and frankly probably no sex with him for a long time if you do end up staying with him -- are paramount.

If you are married the only financial protection is through divorce. Funds that are squirreled away into one spouse's bank account are still marital property, same with debt (although a cc company may not be able to come after OP's accounts, debts still need to be accounted for in a marital split). Even if OP wants to stay together, it may make sense to consider a legal divorce, depending on she discovers. And remain vigilant.

True, PP, but deciding to divorce and then getting it done can take time, sometimes a long time. In the meantime even if she started divorce proceedings today, she still needs to do whatever she can to ensure there are accounts he can't clean out on his own in a matter of minutes tomorrow. Even if he's shown no signs of being "that kind" of manic previously. That's why she needs to be sure there is some money he can't access. The debt after divorce issue is a real one, but it's not wrong for OP to ensure he doesn't go off the rails one day before any divorce and sell the house if it's only in his name, or cash in an account, etc. It can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get tested for STIs

That's how this all came to light.

NP. Is that OP replying? (You can never tell if someone might be coming on to troll, on this site.) I was coming back here to post what the PP did--to be sure both of you have been tested and getting treatment if needed. If that's OP above, I'm so sorry.

OP, the poster at 22:01 above has very solid and sobering advice, as you noted yourself.

Please heed it all, especially the one thing you can control right now, today: Go to the bank and start getting whatever money you can into your name solely. If you already have an account in your own name, salt away your paycheck into that alone, starting now. He will have to cooperate on many things (such as getting deeds into both names if they're only in his) but I would absolutely start the processes immediately, if he's remorseful and in a better state right this moment, to get yourself financially protected. Please believe me, even if his mania isn't the euphoric, I-am-a-genius type, his more depressive mania could fuel spending sprees, terrible financial choices, signing things away, huge credit card debts, etc. I've seen it happen. He will deny and deny that he would ever do that, and you might think, no, that's not how his illness presents, but to be painfully blunt, he also didn't seem the type to become hypersexual either. I have seen someone with bipolar dig out a vast hole of debt in a very short time and ruin credit probably for life because of manic spending and terrible decisions. Fortunately that person is not married or else there would be a spouse's credit and finances to wreck as well.

Also, I know that right now the focus is on the life-altering reality that he is cheating, and with men, but be aware too that he may not be telling you if things are going wrong at work. Does he have a work credit card? Misusing one is what got the bipolar person in my life fired immediately from a great and desired career-enhancing job AND ruined any chances of a reference from that job. You DH could also be on the verge of losing a job and might not tell you. You need to get yourself protected financially now, in case you come home one day to find out he has been fired--or was fired weeks ago. If he is manic outside work, he is manic AT work and you have no idea how that may be affecting things.

Your reply after 22:01 posted raised two red flags to me.

You said, "So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are." Unless he takes them in front of you every single day and you walk away certain he swallowed them and didn't spit them out, you cannot know he is taking his meds. I hate to say that; no adult wants to treat another adult like a child. But the fact is you cannot trust to your hope that he "has no reason to resist taking his meds." It is so common for people with bipolar disorder not to take them, even if they aren't experiencing the high of euporia but are dysphoric instead.

You also noted that he has memory lapses. OP, in the first post you note specific details which I assume he told you only after you or he tested positive for an STD --that the sex was oral only and the partners (all?) were from Cragislist. While that may be what he believes, if he has memory gaps I would have to assume he likely was having other kinds of sex with men, and/or was having sex with women, and was finding partners who knows where. I know that this may not matter, really; he cheated, period, and the trust is gone whether he did "only" have oral sex with only men, or whether he did more with more people. But the memory lapses mean there very possibly are other behaviors that are even riskier that you may never know. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to insist on possible inpatient treatment until he is actually taking all meds and memory lapses are ended. Something to consider.

You didn't say if you have kids. If you do, the financial protection and your own physical safety -- treatment for STDs and frankly probably no sex with him for a long time if you do end up staying with him -- are paramount.

If you are married the only financial protection is through divorce. Funds that are squirreled away into one spouse's bank account are still marital property, same with debt (although a cc company may not be able to come after OP's accounts, debts still need to be accounted for in a marital split). Even if OP wants to stay together, it may make sense to consider a legal divorce, depending on she discovers. And remain vigilant.

She could also get a postnup. He may not be in fit condition to consent to one, though. OP: have you talked to a lawyer at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I question the diagnosis, based on what you’ve said. Hypersexuality is common in mania, but with the dysphoria, no euphoria, and the memory loss, he doesn’t sound manic—he sounds dissociative. You should know that dissociative symptoms are commonly overlooked or misdiagnosed.

Do you happen to know what kind of adverse childhood experiences he had, and has he ever had therapy related to them?

https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

I am 22:01 and I absolutely disagree with this. Classic bipolar hypomania. Mine was dysphoric as well - but the dysphoria comes at a slightly different time in the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get tested for STIs

That's how this all came to light.

NP. Is that OP replying? (You can never tell if someone might be coming on to troll, on this site.) I was coming back here to post what the PP did--to be sure both of you have been tested and getting treatment if needed. If that's OP above, I'm so sorry.

OP, the poster at 22:01 above has very solid and sobering advice, as you noted yourself.

Please heed it all, especially the one thing you can control right now, today: Go to the bank and start getting whatever money you can into your name solely. If you already have an account in your own name, salt away your paycheck into that alone, starting now. He will have to cooperate on many things (such as getting deeds into both names if they're only in his) but I would absolutely start the processes immediately, if he's remorseful and in a better state right this moment, to get yourself financially protected. Please believe me, even if his mania isn't the euphoric, I-am-a-genius type, his more depressive mania could fuel spending sprees, terrible financial choices, signing things away, huge credit card debts, etc. I've seen it happen. He will deny and deny that he would ever do that, and you might think, no, that's not how his illness presents, but to be painfully blunt, he also didn't seem the type to become hypersexual either. I have seen someone with bipolar dig out a vast hole of debt in a very short time and ruin credit probably for life because of manic spending and terrible decisions. Fortunately that person is not married or else there would be a spouse's credit and finances to wreck as well.

Also, I know that right now the focus is on the life-altering reality that he is cheating, and with men, but be aware too that he may not be telling you if things are going wrong at work. Does he have a work credit card? Misusing one is what got the bipolar person in my life fired immediately from a great and desired career-enhancing job AND ruined any chances of a reference from that job. You DH could also be on the verge of losing a job and might not tell you. You need to get yourself protected financially now, in case you come home one day to find out he has been fired--or was fired weeks ago. If he is manic outside work, he is manic AT work and you have no idea how that may be affecting things.

Your reply after 22:01 posted raised two red flags to me.

You said, "So I don't think he'd have any reason to resist taking his meds. I just wonder how effective they are." Unless he takes them in front of you every single day and you walk away certain he swallowed them and didn't spit them out, you cannot know he is taking his meds. I hate to say that; no adult wants to treat another adult like a child. But the fact is you cannot trust to your hope that he "has no reason to resist taking his meds." It is so common for people with bipolar disorder not to take them, even if they aren't experiencing the high of euporia but are dysphoric instead.

You also noted that he has memory lapses. OP, in the first post you note specific details which I assume he told you only after you or he tested positive for an STD --that the sex was oral only and the partners (all?) were from Cragislist. While that may be what he believes, if he has memory gaps I would have to assume he likely was having other kinds of sex with men, and/or was having sex with women, and was finding partners who knows where. I know that this may not matter, really; he cheated, period, and the trust is gone whether he did "only" have oral sex with only men, or whether he did more with more people. But the memory lapses mean there very possibly are other behaviors that are even riskier that you may never know. This is the kind of thing that would make me want to insist on possible inpatient treatment until he is actually taking all meds and memory lapses are ended. Something to consider.

You didn't say if you have kids. If you do, the financial protection and your own physical safety -- treatment for STDs and frankly probably no sex with him for a long time if you do end up staying with him -- are paramount.

If you are married the only financial protection is through divorce. Funds that are squirreled away into one spouse's bank account are still marital property, same with debt (although a cc company may not be able to come after OP's accounts, debts still need to be accounted for in a marital split). Even if OP wants to stay together, it may make sense to consider a legal divorce, depending on she discovers. And remain vigilant.

Get a safe deposit box at another bank and start putting away cash.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Yes, that was me above about the STIs. He gave me trich. He's negative for everything else, and we've both been treated. That said, I don't see how I could ever have sex with him again.

Thankfully (I guess) we don't have children, but there are complicating factors, the primary one being I have a chronic, degenerative health problem and need help with daily chores and long-term medical care. Bummer.

I appreciate all the helpful PPs. I feared mostly rude comments, but you've given me a lot to consider. Too much. Take it back. I want my simple life back damn it.

I can support myself, our house is in both our names (though we just finished an expensive renovation, putting more money in than we could sell it for because it was supposed to be the forever house), and I do have a separate bank account. As a PP predicted, my knee-jerk response is to say his mania doesn't present this way (irresponsibility with money), but he keeps surprising me, so sure, why the hell not.

Truly, he seems to be fine at work (though he is easily stressed, and I do think he takes coworkers' comments too personally -- slight paranoia). He doesn't spend money. He doesn't do anything spontaneous...except three occasions of oral sex, each spread about 10 months apart, the last one being in 2018. PP makes a good point that he could be lying or might not remember even more egregious behavior. But the fact that there are no other obvious symptoms makes the whole thing hard to wrap my head around.

Can anyone explain more about the memory loss aspect? I am unable to distinguish when DH is manic or not. There are basically no signs. Depression and anxiety (his version of mania) often present the same way. So I don't know how long his manic periods last. Days, weeks, months, I have no idea. Is he aware of his actions during the mania but then gets amnesia when he's out of the mania? Does he only forget certain, specific, particularly egregious/traumatic events? Is it possible, as PP suggested, that he could have done things he doesn't remember (as opposed to just not remembering the details of his actions)? Would this memory loss, say, make him forget to take his medication? Basically, how does it manifest?

I just have so many questions, and I'm struggling to get through each day, going to work, dealing with my chronic pain and those appointments. Therapy for myself is something I know I need to do, but I'm overwhelmed by where to start. And how on earth will 50 minutes once a week even scratch the surface?

Thank you again for all your helpful replies. Keep them coming if you have the energy.

[Anonymous]

OP - I’m interested in how you figured out about the BP and the infidelity. I understand that you got an STI - is that what triggered it - that you got tested for some reason and then came home and confronted him and he confessed? or did you have to drag it out of him?

Similarly - how did he get diagnosed? By primary care doc? By psychiatrist? By therapist (LCSW? PhD? other therapist)? Is he taking meds currently? If so, what kind - mood stabilizer? Anti-depressant? Is he taking them willingly? regularly? transparently? Do you attend psych appointments for at least part of the appointment? Does he also see a therapist regularly?

Answers to these also point to likely future outcomes.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry that you are going through this. I had to google trich because I was unfamiliar with it and because of that it’s pretty obvious that I am by means highly knowledgeable about STDs but one thing that I saw was that men usually get trich from women. Usually, not always. I just think you should consider the possibility that there are other women involved along with the men. Have you ever read Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton’s book about her mania and hyper sexuality? Interesting read, she doesn’t seem to have any memory lapses.

[Anonymous]

One of my good friends is hyper sexual during her manic phases, all she wants to do is have sex with anyone who will reciprocate. And she stops paying attention to anything else in her life (job, from end, etc...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair with a married woman who had bpd. She was absolutely insatiable and the best sex of my life when manic.

Amazing woman but I couldn't be married to her

She sounds just like my ex-wife. Did you meet her at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I’m interested in how you figured out about the BP and the infidelity. I understand that you got an STI - is that what triggered it - that you got tested for some reason and then came home and confronted him and he confessed? or did you have to drag it out of him?

Similarly - how did he get diagnosed? By primary care doc? By psychiatrist? By therapist (LCSW? PhD? other therapist)? Is he taking meds currently? If so, what kind - mood stabilizer? Anti-depressant? Is he taking them willingly? regularly? transparently? Do you attend psych appointments for at least part of the appointment? Does he also see a therapist regularly?

Answers to these also point to likely future outcomes.

Yes, I had symptoms, got tested, got diagnosed, confronted him, and he confessed to the Craigslist encounters, which he said ended in 2018. (I believe him for various reasons.) Frustratingly, he never had symptoms and he tested negative. Which apparently can happen. There's nowhere else I could've gotten it. But it still adds yet another layer of confusion to the whole ordeal.

He had been diagnosed with Bipolar II about 6 months ago by a psychiatrist. His primary care doc had been prescribing meds for anxiety (Lexapro), but his anxiety was only getting worse, so she sent him to a psychiatrist, who immediately suspected Bipolar II and put him on lamotrigine.

DH never told the psychiatrist about the hypersexual episodes because he feared I'd find out somehow and because he downplayed in his own mind their significance. I was actually the first one who tied the cheating to the bipolar diagnosis because I have a relative with bipolar disorder and am familiar with the hypersexuality component to mania. I just didn't think DH had mania that extreme. Like I said, I can't even discern when he's manic.

He has since told his psychiatrist about the sex, and the psych added mania to his diagnosis and prescribed lithium. That was 2 weeks ago. Yes, he takes his meds willingly, but I don't watch over him. He has his first therapy appointment next week, which he's going to alone. We both agree I should be included in the appointments eventually, but it's early days -- I have no idea how often these appointments will be. So far, it's been very hard to get mental healthcare. But he does agree that he can't self-report his own symptoms.

[Anonymous]

I am bipolar II man, and I cheated many times While I was undiagnosed. I did not know what was going on.

I cost me a divorce and I promised myself to seek help and change. Now, I am in a stable relationship while medicated...no cheating and no issues.


It is easier for others to judge and condemn others with mental health issues, but I can tell you that the correct RX makes me more stable than the average people.

I rarely argue and I am able to resolve matters with gallantry. In the past, I punched walls,, hit the TV with a baseball bat, screamed at my ex for no reason, hit the car breaks while driving if I was in at argument, etc.

If you are bipolar II please seek help. It will get better.

If you are attached to someone bipolar that refuses help you should leave him or her. The situation will not change without medication. At least 6 years or counseling, year long anger management class, and church attendance could not help a bit. The combination of those and medication made a difference.

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced to an ex DH who was bipolar 2. He cheated.