What do you call this behavior?

[Anonymous]

You meet a guy who says his marriage is on the rocks. He admits that he had an affair that lasted 4 years but when he mentions initially, he understates it - says that he would just get together with AP when he was away on business trips which was about a few times a year.
Some time later he says that he actually had been arranging to meet with his AP about every month for 4 years and it wasn't a few random encounters over the same period.

You ask why he lied about the extent of his affair and he says "I was just getting to know you at the beginning. I told you something in confidence and now you're using it against me", as if I'm the person who's in the wrong.

Other than the obvious - the guy is a liar and cheater, what's it called when someone is in the wrong, but instead of admitting they're in the wrong, they accuse the other person of wrongdoing?
This seems similar to what Trump does. He's accused of some wrongdoing but instead of taking responsibility and apologizing, he goes in attack mode against the accuser; e.g., the media is fake news etc etc.

Is this gaslighting, being psychologically manipulative?

And in case anyone is wondering, no, I'm not in a relationship with this a**hole. I just want to label what is happening if I experience this again.

[Anonymous]

Both my DH and AP do this and it drives me crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

[Anonymous]

I have no idea why you feel the need to label this. Almost everyone 'trickle truths' when they first start dating or talking. They tell you something, see how you react, then tell you more as time goes on.

You do the same when you meet a new friend or potential partner. You don't air all your dirty laundry, every trauma you have experienced and every bad decision you have made at the first meeting.

It is a normal way to get to know someone. Once you know them well then it is problematic but it still happens. A woman might spend $3000 online shopping but initially tell her husband I just bought a couple things I needed and then later say she spent a little more than she had thought and eventually she may come clean.

[Anonymous]

When you’re guilty, this is what you do.
Find non-guilty people to socialize with, OP.

[Anonymous]

It’s called deflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

No, this is NOT gaslighting. “Gaslighting” comes from the movie “Gaslight” where the husband worked to make his wife think she was going crazy. For example, she would put a piece of jewelry in her purse. When she wasn’t looking, he would take it out. Then when she went to look for it and couldn’t find it, she would get upset, knowing she had put it in there. He would just sit there and tell her that maybe she needed some more rest and that she seemed overwhelmed because she was forgetting things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

No, this is NOT gaslighting. “Gaslighting” comes from the movie “Gaslight” where the husband worked to make his wife think she was going crazy. For example, she would put a piece of jewelry in her purse. When she wasn’t looking, he would take it out. Then when she went to look for it and couldn’t find it, she would get upset, knowing she had put it in there. He would just sit there and tell her that maybe she needed some more rest and that she seemed overwhelmed because she was forgetting things.

Yeah gaslighting is about making the other person think they are crazy - twisting reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why you feel the need to label this. Almost everyone 'trickle truths' when they first start dating or talking. They tell you something, see how you react, then tell you more as time goes on.

You do the same when you meet a new friend or potential partner. You don't air all your dirty laundry, every trauma you have experienced and every bad decision you have made at the first meeting.

It is a normal way to get to know someone. Once you know them well then it is problematic but it still happens. A woman might spend $3000 online shopping but initially tell her husband I just bought a couple things I needed and then later say she spent a little more than she had thought and eventually she may come clean.

But the response wasn't just "I wasn't comfortable disclosing all the details at the beginning".

It's also "I told you something in confidence and now you're using it against me" where he accuses the person who points out the lie and feels he's the victim and is being wronged.

There's no acknowledgement or apology for the lie and no validation for how someone might feel if they realize they've been lied to about a detail that isn't trivial (it isn't about how much money was spent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

Yup. And why did you stick around after "I had a 4 year affair"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why you feel the need to label this. Almost everyone 'trickle truths' when they first start dating or talking. They tell you something, see how you react, then tell you more as time goes on.

You do the same when you meet a new friend or potential partner. You don't air all your dirty laundry, every trauma you have experienced and every bad decision you have made at the first meeting.

It is a normal way to get to know someone. Once you know them well then it is problematic but it still happens. A woman might spend $3000 online shopping but initially tell her husband I just bought a couple things I needed and then later say she spent a little more than she had thought and eventually she may come clean.

But the response wasn't just "I wasn't comfortable disclosing all the details at the beginning".

It's also "I told you something in confidence and now you're using it against me" where he accuses the person who points out the lie and feels he's the victim and is being wronged.

There's no acknowledgement or apology for the lie and no validation for how someone might feel if they realize they've been lied to about a detail that isn't trivial (it isn't about how much money was spent).

Who cares. Your expectations of this man seem extremely high given his lack of moral conduct. Why give this man a single minute of your time? He lied to you about the extent of a previous affair while you were his mistress - none of this needs to be reflected on. There is no integrity or morality here to work from as a foundation of expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

No, this is NOT gaslighting. “Gaslighting” comes from the movie “Gaslight” where the husband worked to make his wife think she was going crazy. For example, she would put a piece of jewelry in her purse. When she wasn’t looking, he would take it out. Then when she went to look for it and couldn’t find it, she would get upset, knowing she had put it in there. He would just sit there and tell her that maybe she needed some more rest and that she seemed overwhelmed because she was forgetting things.

Yeah gaslighting is about making the other person think they are crazy - twisting reality.

I think it can be more subtle than the example above. The article below gives this example.

"If a wife tells her husband that he is shirking child care responsibilities and he responds by refusing to acknowledge that it’s even happening, he is gaslighting her."

https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

No, this is NOT gaslighting. “Gaslighting” comes from the movie “Gaslight” where the husband worked to make his wife think she was going crazy. For example, she would put a piece of jewelry in her purse. When she wasn’t looking, he would take it out. Then when she went to look for it and couldn’t find it, she would get upset, knowing she had put it in there. He would just sit there and tell her that maybe she needed some more rest and that she seemed overwhelmed because she was forgetting things.

Yeah gaslighting is about making the other person think they are crazy - twisting reality.

Making it seem like op is somehow at fault for his bs IS a form of gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You meet a guy who says his marriage is on the rocks. He admits that he had an affair that lasted 4 years but when he mentions initially, he understates it - says that he would just get together with AP when he was away on business trips which was about a few times a year.
Some time later he says that he actually had been arranging to meet with his AP about every month for 4 years and it wasn't a few random encounters over the same period.

You ask why he lied about the extent of his affair and he says "I was just getting to know you at the beginning. I told you something in confidence and now you're using it against me", as if I'm the person who's in the wrong.

Other than the obvious - the guy is a liar and cheater, what's it called when someone is in the wrong, but instead of admitting they're in the wrong, they accuse the other person of wrongdoing?
This seems similar to what Trump does. He's accused of some wrongdoing but instead of taking responsibility and apologizing, he goes in attack mode against the accuser; e.g., the media is fake news etc etc.

Is this gaslighting, being psychologically manipulative?

And in case anyone is wondering, no, I'm not in a relationship with this a**hole. I just want to label what is happening if I experience this again.

Gaslighting. Or crazymaking, if you will. Projecting also works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why you feel the need to label this. Almost everyone 'trickle truths' when they first start dating or talking. They tell you something, see how you react, then tell you more as time goes on.

You do the same when you meet a new friend or potential partner. You don't air all your dirty laundry, every trauma you have experienced and every bad decision you have made at the first meeting.

It is a normal way to get to know someone. Once you know them well then it is problematic but it still happens. A woman might spend $3000 online shopping but initially tell her husband I just bought a couple things I needed and then later say she spent a little more than she had thought and eventually she may come clean.

But the response wasn't just "I wasn't comfortable disclosing all the details at the beginning".

It's also "I told you something in confidence and now you're using it against me" where he accuses the person who points out the lie and feels he's the victim and is being wronged.

There's no acknowledgement or apology for the lie and no validation for how someone might feel if they realize they've been lied to about a detail that isn't trivial (it isn't about how much money was spent).

I think it’s just being defensive. Also, people, consciously or not, believe a good defense is to go on the offense. I agree with other posters that giving it a name is not particularly important.