What do you call this behavior?

[Anonymous]

I call stupid. As in you are stupid, seriously stupid for talking to a guy like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

Yup. And why did you stick around after "I had a 4 year affair"?

The usual sob story. His wife was emotionally abusive and cold, he plans to leave her but can't because of the children and financial issues, etc. etc etc etc.

I stuck around for 3 weeks and then came to my senses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call stupid. As in you are stupid, seriously stupid for talking to a guy like this.

Agree. See post above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why you feel the need to label this. Almost everyone 'trickle truths' when they first start dating or talking. They tell you something, see how you react, then tell you more as time goes on.

You do the same when you meet a new friend or potential partner. You don't air all your dirty laundry, every trauma you have experienced and every bad decision you have made at the first meeting.

It is a normal way to get to know someone. Once you know them well then it is problematic but it still happens. A woman might spend $3000 online shopping but initially tell her husband I just bought a couple things I needed and then later say she spent a little more than she had thought and eventually she may come clean.

But the response wasn't just "I wasn't comfortable disclosing all the details at the beginning".

It's also "I told you something in confidence and now you're using it against me" where he accuses the person who points out the lie and feels he's the victim and is being wronged.

There's no acknowledgement or apology for the lie and no validation for how someone might feel if they realize they've been lied to about a detail that isn't trivial (it isn't about how much money was spent).

I think it’s just being defensive. Also, people, consciously or not, believe a good defense is to go on the offense. I agree with other posters that giving it a name is not particularly important.

One on hand, labeling the behavior is not as important as avoiding entanglements with dishonest people. On the other hand, having a word for what he did may help op to recognize it in the future and not be pulled in. I'm of the first mind: op needs to exercise better judgement in the first place. A person who cheats can't be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call stupid. As in you are stupid, seriously stupid for talking to a guy like this.

Stupid or desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

Yup. And why did you stick around after "I had a 4 year affair"?

The usual sob story. His wife was emotionally abusive and cold, he plans to leave her but can't because of the children and financial issues, etc. etc etc etc.

I stuck around for 3 weeks and then came to my senses.

You must be young. Lesson learned, I hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

Yup. And why did you stick around after "I had a 4 year affair"?

The usual sob story. His wife was emotionally abusive and cold, he plans to leave her but can't because of the children and financial issues, etc. etc etc etc.

I stuck around for 3 weeks and then came to my senses.

You must be young. Lesson learned, I hope!

Yes and yes.

Just wish people would stop calling me stupid after one mistake. GEEZ.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not stupid OP. Just keep in mind that once a cheater always a cheater. What is the age gap between you?

[Anonymous]

Why do you care? This man is trash.

[Anonymous]

Compulsive liar projecting to take the focus off him, OP. Maybe ask yourself about your daddy issues first.

[Anonymous]

It's projection. Good for you for getting away from the guy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

Yup. And why did you stick around after "I had a 4 year affair"?

The usual sob story. His wife was emotionally abusive and cold, he plans to leave her but can't because of the children and financial issues, etc. etc etc etc.

I stuck around for 3 weeks and then came to my senses.

You must be young. Lesson learned, I hope!

Yes and yes.

Just wish people would stop calling me stupid after one mistake. GEEZ.

Thick skin will also come with age. For DCUM you need armor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my DH and AP do this and it drives me crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP stay away from men who aren't divorced yet and are cheaters. He will not change for you. There are plenty of decent men out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s called gaslighting. What’s your plan regarding this guy now that you know all this about him?

No, this is NOT gaslighting. “Gaslighting” comes from the movie “Gaslight” where the husband worked to make his wife think she was going crazy. For example, she would put a piece of jewelry in her purse. When she wasn’t looking, he would take it out. Then when she went to look for it and couldn’t find it, she would get upset, knowing she had put it in there. He would just sit there and tell her that maybe she needed some more rest and that she seemed overwhelmed because she was forgetting things.

Yeah gaslighting is about making the other person think they are crazy - twisting reality.

I think it can be more subtle than the example above. The article below gives this example.

"If a wife tells her husband that he is shirking child care responsibilities and he responds by refusing to acknowledge that it’s even happening, he is gaslighting her."

https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained

Yep, if a woman says it, and a man disagrees, he’s gaslighting her.