Generosity of a friend with Applepay

[Anonymous]

My 11 year old walks to the bus from his school every day. One of his friends walks to a Starbucks near the bus stop and his babysitter collects him from there later. My son and his friend often walk the few blocks from school to Starbucks together - which I am fine with and they hang out a bit before my kid gets on the bus. the friend has Applepay on his phone and, according to my son, offers to buy my kid food and drink at Starbucks every day and pay for it.

I didn’t realize this was going on until I noticed him being less hungry post school - he used to be always up for a snack at 4pm but now is fine til dinner. I don’t really care that he eats at Starbucks but I feel sort of uncomfortable about my son getting this stuff for free and I don’t even know if the friend’s parents know this is going on.

I suggested to my son that he stop accepting the offer but he got pretty mad about it, said the friend offers and is allowed to spend whatever he wants via Applepay, (which I think is crazy at 11 yrs old but to each their own).. It’s pretty clear to me now that it’s been going on for awhile so this kid has clearly spent quite a bit of money on my son.

I don’t know the mom very well but does anyone think I should ask her if she is ok with all this? Or shd I ignore it? Something about it bothers me but my son clearly feels there is no reason not to just accept the generosity... and if the mom told me she was ok with it I guess I might be fine with it but we aren’t in a financial position to return the favor so feel a bit trapped.

Thoughts? Need an ethics consult...

[Anonymous]

Are you able to get some Starbucks gift cards so your son can pay sometimes?

[Anonymous]

You should definitely contact mom about this. And give your kid a Starbucks card so he can budget his treats.

[Anonymous]

Definitely talk to the other mom. And what are 11 year olds doing stopping off for a snack at Starbucks??? I’m in a different world I guess.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I like the idea of periodically providing your DS with a Starbucks gift card so he can offer to treat from time to time-- or some other way for him to be in the position to share (invite the other child to a movie or to your house with the babysitter some days)- but don't think it's essential.

I would talk to your son about why he likes to hang out with this child and that he shouldn't be doing it just for the Starbucks.

If it's been going on for sometime, the other child's parents are likely fine with his level of spending and the choices he's making. They may even be thrilled your son is hanging out with him so he's not alone for as long after school.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my son no more gifts from that child and its not ok.

[Anonymous]

I would call the mom and offer to pay her back. Then either I'd tell my son no more Starbucks, or I'd give my kid a Starbucks card so he can buy his own treats (with limits).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely talk to the other mom. And what are 11 year olds doing stopping off for a snack at Starbucks??? I’m in a different world I guess.

The Starbucks near my kids school is crawling with kids ordering frappuccinos and pastries. Their allowances must be $$.

[Anonymous]

OP you absolutely should contact the parents and offer to make them whole. I did not realize my kid was doing something similar for months-though with her it was her gift money she was spending. At 10/11 she had no great idea of value but enjoyed the generosity of giving. The parents of these friends were truly mortified. They offered/insisted on paying her back ($10-$12 a visit pretty easy to rack up!) While we said no they made sure to treat many many times and then we've insisted both on a budget and each pay their own way.

[Anonymous]

Starbucks habit is bad at any age.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your kid about being a mooch.

[Anonymous]

I think kids should understand that you can’t just take and take from other people, it isn’t right.

[Anonymous]

Ugghhh. I guess anyone who gives an 11 year old Applepay and doesn’t watch it closely deserves this, but still... there is a good chance the mom doesn’t know. .

Even a small Starbucks habit is $30 a week, which is $120 a month. And with boys with no budget, it’s probably $40 a week or more. It’s expensive. And a dessert and a Frappuccino is a lot of sugar and probably caffeine. I would put a stop too it, both because it’s too much money to accept and because it’s really bad for your kid.

Contact the other mom. Praise her kids generosity, tell her that you’d be glad to repay what is owed. And that your kid can’t accept gifts in the future because... sugar and caffeine make him hyper, he has some dietary limits, whatever. Give your kid a monthly Starbucks budget and a gift card in that amount. If he can only get 1 pastry or 1 Frappuccino every week or every other week, so be it. He can ask for Starbucks cards for his birthday or spend his allowance on it.

It’s really tacky to say “your kids been treating mine. Is that okay”? It puts pressure on the other mom to say yes. And even if she does, and means it, are you really okay with your kid freeloading what could be $100-200 of Starbucks a month? Apparently you are, but... it’s tacky.

Lots of people can’t afford unlimited Starbucks. Lots of people can, but limit themselves because it’s unhealthy. Most of us limit ourselves somehow— just stop on Monday mornings, or get the less expensive drink, or get the drink and not the pastry, or whatever.

There will always be kids who can afford things your kid can’t, or get things you don’t want your kid to have. $300 jeans, a new car, no supervision spending the night with a girlfriend. Might as well learn to say no now.

[Anonymous]

I get why an 11 year old boy might be fine with the mooching. A little bit shocked that OP is so blasé about he kid mooching every day.

It’s okay to say no to your kid OP. He won’t always be able to do everything his peers do and buy everything his friends buy. But unless you plan to be a charity case forever, he might as well get used to it now.

[Anonymous]

If the kid is waiting for a sitter, Starbucks is the in the meantime surrogate child minder. The recipient of all the snacks may be viewed as part of the package of keeping an untended kid (though11 is able to be alone for a while) company. OP already said they can’t afford regular Starbucks. Fair enough, but her kid should not be accepting all of that h go or reasons already stated .