Generosity of a friend with Applepay

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the range of views.

I am not actually very concerned about the caloric intake side but I hear those concerns. He has very good judgement about food, a naturally intuitive eater and easily steps away from sugar all the time. So when I say food and drink, he usually gets a small hot chocolate and a banana or something.

It’s the money part that bugs me and yes it’s not a crazy amount of money and it’s not even every day of the week that he is there (maybe 3?) but it is the first time that we have dealt with kid friend whose parents have such a different sense of money and a child’s uncontrolled access to it. My son knows that I think he should decline the offer at this point as we have had that chat, but he is also getting older and I can only tell him my views and reasoning and hope he makes good decisions. Some of the previous comments make it sound like I can force him to do something and I think assuming that is not reasonable. It would likely only shut down our avenues of communication which isn’t a good idea given the range of bigger issues coming as he grows.

I think I will take it up with the mom gently, and also get him a Starbucks gift card for a small amount and see where things go.

I find parenting at this age of nascent kid independence raises a lot of new challenges (I am still saying no to a phone but he seems to be one of the very few kids without one in the 6th grade) so it’s interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely talk to the other mom. And what are 11 year olds doing stopping off for a snack at Starbucks??? I’m in a different world I guess.

The Starbucks near my kids school is crawling with kids ordering frappuccinos and pastries. Their allowances must be $$.

Possibly no allowance, and no limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely talk to the other mom. And what are 11 year olds doing stopping off for a snack at Starbucks??? I’m in a different world I guess.

The Starbucks near my kids school is crawling with kids ordering frappuccinos and pastries. Their allowances must be $$.

You must be referring to the two Starbucks on Chain Bridge of Mclean. That place is crawling with kids ordering frappuccinos and pastries because of $$$ parents

So is the one at Lee Heights and the Lee Harrison one was a mob house until it moved.

Georgetown...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kid is waiting for a sitter, Starbucks is the in the meantime surrogate child minder. The recipient of all the snacks may be viewed as part of the package of keeping an untended kid (though11 is able to be alone for a while) company. OP already said they can’t afford regular Starbucks. Fair enough, but her kid should not be accepting all of that h go or reasons already stated .

This, except I would reassure OP it’s fine. I am a single mom with no family or friends able to help me with the child,
If he had to wait for me somewhere and had a friend waiting with him (which would make me feel he is safer and less
Bored that way), I would not mind paying for the friend’s treats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think kids should understand that you can’t just take and take from other people, it isn’t right.

Agree. Also, at some point the other person will get resentful and it’s pretty weak to say “but you always offered.” Think about the people on here complainng about non reciprocated invitations? Social relationships aren’t one sided. Your son is going to lose a friend over being greedy.

I have to disagree with this. I am one of those parents who give my eleven years old Applepay. I am very fortunate that I've done extremely financially. My kid's best friend come from a working class family so my kid spends a lot of money on his friend and I don't have any issues with it. My kid does not expect anything in return and his friend is very appreciated of that. Kids are smart and they know if they are being taken advantage by friends. Let kids be kids.. OP should not talk about this to his parents because I am sure they already know and don't have any issues with this.

You don’t sound educated. It’s probably your kid who’s mooching off his friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kid is waiting for a sitter, Starbucks is the in the meantime surrogate child minder. The recipient of all the snacks may be viewed as part of the package of keeping an untended kid (though11 is able to be alone for a while) company. OP already said they can’t afford regular Starbucks. Fair enough, but her kid should not be accepting all of that h go or reasons already stated .

This, except I would reassure OP it’s fine. I am a single mom with no family or friends able to help me with the child,
If he had to wait for me somewhere and had a friend waiting with him (which would make me feel he is safer and less
Bored that way), I would not mind paying for the friend’s treats.

This is a good point. No harm in OP asking the parents before deciding if she wants this to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think kids should understand that you can’t just take and take from other people, it isn’t right.

Agree. Also, at some point the other person will get resentful and it’s pretty weak to say “but you always offered.” Think about the people on here complainng about non reciprocated invitations? Social relationships aren’t one sided. Your son is going to lose a friend over being greedy.

I have to disagree with this. I am one of those parents who give my eleven years old Applepay. I am very fortunate that I've done extremely financially. My kid's best friend come from a working class family so my kid spends a lot of money on his friend and I don't have any issues with it. My kid does not expect anything in return and his friend is very appreciated of that. Kids are smart and they know if they are being taken advantage by friends. Let kids be kids.. OP should not talk about this to his parents because I am sure they already know and don't have any issues with this.

You don’t sound educated. It’s probably your kid who’s mooching off his friend.

Or English is not her first language. Why would you assume pp is not telling the truth? My DD has a friend who is from a family that struggles financially. The friend is a kind, sweet girl. I love having her over and I don't mind paying for her. Her mom will give her money to pay for a treats sometimes, but I always say no and send it back. The money I spend on the treat has no financial impact on me, but is a big deal to them. Why wouldn't I just pay for her? OP's situation is a little different because she doesn't know if the friend's parents are aware of the situation. OP should have her son ask his friend whether his parents are ok with the purchases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please PARENT your child! Your snowflake got angry because you said he needs to reciprocate and crowdsourcing is your reaction? Do what you think is right. Either limit the Starbucks visits or make your kid pay. Your DS doesn't get to decide. Why are people afraid of their children?

+1000
My kids aren't allowed to take food/treats from anyone that is not approved by us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the range of views.

I am not actually very concerned about the caloric intake side but I hear those concerns. He has very good judgement about food, a naturally intuitive eater and easily steps away from sugar all the time. So when I say food and drink, he usually gets a small hot chocolate and a banana or something.

It’s the money part that bugs me and yes it’s not a crazy amount of money and it’s not even every day of the week that he is there (maybe 3?) but it is the first time that we have dealt with kid friend whose parents have such a different sense of money and a child’s uncontrolled access to it. My son knows that I think he should decline the offer at this point as we have had that chat, but he is also getting older and I can only tell him my views and reasoning and hope he makes good decisions. Some of the previous comments make it sound like I can force him to do something and I think assuming that is not reasonable. It would likely only shut down our avenues of communication which isn’t a good idea given the range of bigger issues coming as he grows.

I think I will take it up with the mom gently, and also get him a Starbucks gift card for a small amount and see where things go.

I find parenting at this age of nascent kid independence raises a lot of new challenges (I am still saying no to a phone but he seems to be one of the very few kids without one in the 6th grade) so it’s interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts.

How do you plan to handle it when the stakes are higher than Starbucks? "I can only tell him my views and reasoning and hope he makes good decisions" sounds like he's 17, not a sixth grader. You can tell him he needs to reciprocate but you want him to choose to do it--yet he's not making that choice. So you're OK with that, since you told him your views and therefore did your job? What happens when he's older and the behaviors in question aren't just about snacks? If he hasn't learned by then that he needs to be more considerate of others and less ready to take repeatedly -- all the adult views and reasoning won't sway him then either.

Get him a Starbucks card and tell him how long it has to last (in other words, you will not be reloading it every time it runs out but only on a schedule). Then tell him he needs to pay every other time they do this. I know, hard to monitor. And I suspect maybe he worries that he'll be embarrassed and will embarrass his friend by saying he, DS, is going to pay this time, because DS hasn't ever done that before. But if you are fine with his having the privilege of going to Starbucks with his friend (and it is a privilege, not a right), he needs to step up.

I don't quite get how the kids have that much time repeatedly each week to stop for treats, though. No after-school stuff, or maybe that comes later in the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please PARENT your child! Your snowflake got angry because you said he needs to reciprocate and crowdsourcing is your reaction? Do what you think is right. Either limit the Starbucks visits or make your kid pay. Your DS doesn't get to decide. Why are people afraid of their children?

Because if your child doesn’t like your rules at age 12 which is less then a year in ops case her child can leave whatever he wants and doesn’t have to return if he doesn’t want to. At age 12 kids decided where they live and what they do. He may very well decided to live with Starbucks rich kid.

[Anonymous]

Truthfully, I wouldn't make this a big thing. I covered my best friend's after school snacks all the time when I was a kid, because I could afford to and she couldn't. If she hadn't been able to get anything, I wouldn't have gotten anything either and we both would have been less happy. We usually got somethings to share, so it was less awkward in that sense... but that doesn't really work with Starbucks. I wouldn't overthink it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation is a little different because she doesn't know if the friend's parents are aware of the situation. OP should have her son ask his friend whether his parents are ok with the purchases.

Does Applepay not provide bills? I know what my kid's spending at any particular store, because I see the account. Granted, there's some lag time for getting a credit card statement if I'm checking up online (but I did, when my kid was 11 and newly using things like the starbucks app on her phone, a credit card, etc), but if it's been over a month, the parents know or should know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your kid about being a mooch.

+1