How to instill positive ... whatever

[Anonymous]

DH says all he hears in the house is negative, that the rest of us aren't positive, that we are always complaining.

I personally disagree, but am willing to assume that he hears what he hears and we need to work on being more positive.

What steps can I take for myself and my children to change the perceived tone in the house?

[Anonymous]

Every night at dinner, everyone shares something funny, happy, or good that happened to them that day. Talk about what you’re grateful for often.

[Anonymous]

Cut back on the complaining, critiquing and comparing. Be mindful and thankful for what you do have. Talk about high and lows of the day. Attempt to focus on the highs. Practice counting your blessings.

[Anonymous]

For every insult you have to give a compliment
For every complaint, you have to mention something you're happy about
Have everyone say the best two parts of their day at dinner

[Anonymous]

At dinner we all have to say 3 things. Our high for the day, our low for the day and then at least one thing we are thankful. You not have have to have a low but the other two are required. We try and keep it specific to the day..... so being thankful for friends and family is too vague. As adults when we say what we are thankful for we point out that others may not have that thing, I want my kid to understand she has a good like compared to others, even tho we are not wealthy. The high makes us all see the positives each other have had that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH says all he hears in the house is negative, that the rest of us aren't positive, that we are always complaining.

I personally disagree, but am willing to assume that he hears what he hears and we need to work on being more positive.

What steps can I take for myself and my children to change the perceived tone in the house?

Your dh needs antidepressants and lessons in how to do reflective listening.

[Anonymous]

Instead of “How was your day?” type questions, I pose questions oriented around the good stuff like “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was your favorite thing you learned at school?” I try to give compliments on behavior, even expected behavior, to let my loved ones know that I notice and care about their positive contributions —“Thanks for your help setting the table,” “You did a really nice job picking out a gift for Grandma,” “I appreciate the way everyone was on time this afternoon; it made our busy day much easier.” I also make sure that we have a pre-set division of household labor. If we know who’s taking out the garbage, setting the table, cleaning the bathroom, etc., it lets everyone do their household jobs on their own time without nagging. It also helps to show that labor division is fair and that no one person or small group is expected to carry too much responsibility. Last, we try to do things that build positive capital with each other. It’s easy to get busy and lead separate lives in the same house. So it’s important to have some regular things that help you to interact in ways you enjoy. It could be watching movies, game night, hiking, baking, whatever. That said, your DH should be able to state more precisely what, exactly, is getting under his skin. If he’s the only one with a problem, maybe he’s the problem. Don’t walk on eggshells.

[Anonymous]

We do the gratitude etc type conversations at dinner already. He often chooses not to participate, however, as it rubs him the wrong way. He also does not like it when I thank him for what he does around the house and with kids and for me, and doesn't count that as a positive interaction. I do thank him amd the kids for the work they do. I know Gottman reccomends 5 positive interactions for every negative one, and turning toward rather than away. I try to follow both of those principles.

I'm really wondering what I must be doing that is coming off as complaining; I'm generally an optimistic person.

I do tend to avoid conflict, but I've been trying not to do that as much, although not aggressively. More like coming back to a conversation later on to say how it made me feel (not blaming). But there isn't much conflict in general right now (or simply ever).

Anti depressants is a thought.

[Anonymous]

I thank children for choosing good behavior, especially when I can see they struggled to make that choice. I thank them for doing their chores and lavish on extra when they do it without being asked. I compliment effort (rather than product) for schoolwork. While I’m happy to hear kids vent, I ask them to think about the situation and brainstorm how it could be better.

When siblings fight, they take a 3-5 break, then both get a chance to tell me what happened. Normally, somewhere in between the two stories, they decide that nobody needs a consequence, because they both did things they shouldn’t. Regardless, they hold hands, look each other in the eye and say three things they like about each other, alternating until they’re done.

One of my favorites, is the birthday jar:
https://pintsizedtreasures.com/birthday-thoughts-in-a-jar-game/

[Anonymous]

OP maybe you should just start by being mindful or what you're saying that might be negative. Don't try to change yet; just be aware of it.

After a week or two, you'll probably notice some patterns. Once you've discovered what you complain about, you can approach it with an eye towards problem solving, or reframing.

For example, if your commute just sucks and you hate it and are grumpy when you get home, you could try listening to audio books or comedy shows or something that might otherwise cheer you up.

If there isn't a way to problem solve, then you can always try to reframe. There is almost always a positive spin you can put on the little things.

Just an example: we all had a stomach bug last week and it was no fun. But, I was also thinking about how amazing our bodies are at expelling stuff when we're sick, and how quickly our bodies heal from something like that. It's really just incredible if you think about it. Also, we were all off work and school anyway, which made the timing of the bug no big deal really. And the kids are finally old enough that they can just veg out in front of the TV so it was easier for us when we got sick and were too wiped out to watch them.

So many positive things about the stomach bug!

I kept this mostly to myself, though. I'm not really a pollyanna telling everyone to look at the bright side. I personally think it's okay to feel bummed about something. I guess I just do most of this processing internally.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else perceiving this or just him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do the gratitude etc type conversations at dinner already. He often chooses not to participate, however, as it rubs him the wrong way. He also does not like it when I thank him for what he does around the house and with kids and for me, and doesn't count that as a positive interaction. I do thank him amd the kids for the work they do. I know Gottman reccomends 5 positive interactions for every negative one, and turning toward rather than away. I try to follow both of those principles.

I'm really wondering what I must be doing that is coming off as complaining; I'm generally an optimistic person.

I do tend to avoid conflict, but I've been trying not to do that as much, although not aggressively. More like coming back to a conversation later on to say how it made me feel (not blaming). But there isn't much conflict in general right now (or simply ever).

Anti depressants is a thought.

You need to ask your husband exactly what he wants from you then because he's not willing to accept what most people would consider positive interactions. Make him be more specific. Honestly, he kind of sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do the gratitude etc type conversations at dinner already. He often chooses not to participate, however, as it rubs him the wrong way. He also does not like it when I thank him for what he does around the house and with kids and for me, and doesn't count that as a positive interaction. I do thank him amd the kids for the work they do. I know Gottman reccomends 5 positive interactions for every negative one, and turning toward rather than away. I try to follow both of those principles.

I'm really wondering what I must be doing that is coming off as complaining; I'm generally an optimistic person.

I do tend to avoid conflict, but I've been trying not to do that as much, although not aggressively. More like coming back to a conversation later on to say how it made me feel (not blaming). But there isn't much conflict in general right now (or simply ever).

Anti depressants is a thought.

You need to ask your husband exactly what he wants from you then because he's not willing to accept what most people would consider positive interactions. Make him be more specific. Honestly, he kind of sounds like a jerk.

OP here. I have asked him, and he couldn't tell me exactly what it is he wants.

I do feel as if I'm watching everything I say already and making choices about how/what I say (and sometimes that means pushing the issue, and sometimes it doesn't, but it does mean trying to frame things so I'm not complaining).

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this will resonate for you, but posting, just in case...

I was having a tough time over the holidays - and listened to this on Christmas Eve. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5jprOVMieA

It was very calming, and yes, it felt like the energy in the house shifted. To start, maybe you can play it whilst everyone else is out of the house/just take an hour and sit quietly while it plays.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

13:50 here.

It looks like the link I posted is broken - sorry.

Try this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lj4ch0I70Yg