At my wit's end--what the heck do I do?
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Anonymous
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2019 has been.....challenging, relationship wise. DH and I are struggling, no doubt. Our son will be 3 next month. This year, I went back to work, on top of going through 7 months of non-surgical treatment to finally address significant childbirth injuries. DH underwent major surgery that will require a year of regular follow up appointments. A lot of upheaval and change.
Throw in we both pretty clearly cycle through bouts of depression, and have for the 20 years we've known each other. I've been working with a therapist since before DS was born, including multiple rounds of using medication to address it. DH refuses to do so. He also refuses couples therapy. We have talked time and time again about how he needs professional help. We've talked about how I am maxed out, that I simply have no capacity to act as therapist and do the song and dance required to help improve his moods. He'll sometimes make an effort of a week or two, but then back to where we were. Lately, everything sets him off. DS saying "no, I want mommy!" send's DH not just crying, but practically a tantrum, and then is prickly jerk for the rest of the day. Random, unexplained bouts of what seems to amount to the silent treatment (although there's a lot of sighing and stomping around that come with it) have become the norm. Anything going other than 100% smoothly and as DH expected will result in pouting at a minimum. I'm basically having to manage two toddlers, only one of them never seems to get over whatever prompted the outburst and, oh yeah, he's a friggin' adult. I took to ignoring it, because I can't figure out how else to deal--which, as you may imagine, doesn't fix the problem and ended up only making things worse. This morning, DH is having another one of his fits (why? Who knows. He woke up in a bad mood, then decided to get into a power struggle with DS over which flavor oatmeal to make) and stormed into the bedroom, leaving me to wrangle the kid and handle all the morning stuff alone. Cue me saying something I probably shouldn't have said but my frustration boiled over: "I don't know what the hell is going on, but pull yourself together and get over it." (Yeah, really shouldn't have said it) Tears, histrionics, accusations that me and DS don't love him, devolved into a nice litany of every wrong I've ever committed against him, real and imagined......I left to take DS to daycare and go to work without even saying goodbye. So. I don't want a divorce (I don't think, at least). but I don't know what to do. I've begged DH to see a professional. I've made appointments only to have him cancel or flake. I've tried to be supportive and make things as easy as possible for him. But this living situation is damn near intolerable. I feel my own (very hard-fought) mental health is teetering on the edge of "pretty good" and headed straight for "complete $hit" because of this. You know what, I typed all this out, read it again, and thought "Jesus, this is abusive." If my friend said this stuff, I'd say "this is not a healthy relationship, get out." Am I reading my relationship correctly? Have things become so warped that I didn't notice? Am I completely off the charts here and this is just a bump in the long relationship road and I'm overreacting? |
Anonymous
| Leaving his mental health issue untreated will leave your mental health issues continually tested, and eventually pull you under. Where will this leave your son? |
Anonymous
| Since you have a therapist, she should be able to offer a plan. Personally, it would be ultimatum time for him to find some help. His actions will impact your child. No way to live. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Sorry OP. 
One thing that sticks out to me is you saying: "I don't know what the hell is going on, but pull yourself together and get over it." And then beating yourself up over it. That's really not a huge deal. In my own relationship, I could say that to my DH or vice versa (and we would say it in a normal tone of voice) and it would be ok. Part of a partnership is being able to call each other out. You can't be walking on eggshells all the time. Misery. I think the thing you really need to consider is how this will affect your son. Growing up in a household where, as a child, you have to be on eggshells is really damaging. |
Anonymous
| Your two year old is being emotionally abused, and this will impact his development. If you continue to allow this, you are just as much to blame. |
Anonymous
+1000 I said the same thing to my husband yesterday. So he let it go and we were fine. If you can't say this to your husband without him flipping out there is a really big problem here. I'm sorry, OP. |
Anonymous
OP here. I didn't say it in a normal tone. I was mean. Like, really mean. Zero compassion. And that's not something we'd ever say to each other, even calmly. A phrase like that is pretty close to nuclear option in our relationship. Okay, so growing up in this current environment? Not good. I get that. But is it any better if DS is spending 50% of his time with a father who seems to be an unmitigated emotional disaster? At least at the moment I can buffer things. The idea of DS having to navigate DH's depression alone, at such a young age? It terrifies me. Right now, DH can't handle an hour with DS without some sort of meltdown. And I know the courts go 50/50 unless there's a really compelling reason such as prolonged abuse or neglect. I just genuinely am at a loss of how to move forward, be it with or without DH. (my therapist is out of the country right now, ugh, otherwise I'd call and beg for the next available appointment) |
Anonymous
| Start factually documenting what is taking place. |
Anonymous
Number of times in human history that this has worked to solve a mental health problem... ZERO. Apparently you don't need to waste money on therapy or medication -- all you do is say, "pull yourself together and get over it" and lo and behold, they do! 
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Anonymous
You see, women are the more gentle, sensitive, and compassionate sex, unlike brutal, insensitive men.
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Anonymous
Yes, it will be better in the long run as long as you stay on top of your mental health issues. It is a step that gives you a chance at being healthy. It is a step that shows your husband he is in need of help beyond what you can provide. It is a step that simplifies what is on your husbands plate. I would suggest a one year separation, with hope of getting back together at the end of the year if he commits to getting his health in order. |
Anonymous
| when my wife is acting like you describe I've been told that I'm responsible for making her feel better. Why are you unwilling to do the same for your husband? |
Anonymous
Obviously OP wasn't referring to her DH's depression or mental health issues. She is currently treating herself by seeing a therapist and doing hte hard work. She was referring to her DH getting over the oatmeal meltdown. That was a fair comment, though, like OP my DH and I do NOT talk to each other like that. It would be nasty and disrespectful for either one of us to say that unless it was in a VERY gentle, sympathetic tone. OP, give yourself a break though. You have been dealing with a lot. |
Anonymous
I get it. But another vote that saying something like that should not lead to complete undoing of the other person. My opinion is I want my partner to call me out when I'm behaving poorly. Yes, mental health issues should be factored in. But if a person is not getting treatment, do they get an eternal pass? I don't know the answer to that. At some point when children are involved, pull your damn self together. Or seek help to do so. I might not say hell, but I would say "I don't know what is going on, but pull yourself together".... |