At my wit's end--what the heck do I do?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should do a trial separation while he gets his shit together? I can't imagine living with someone this whiny and pathetic. My sister's DH was kind of like this, and she never found any way to fix things, though smoking pot did help take the edge off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP.

One thing that sticks out to me is you saying: "I don't know what the hell is going on, but pull yourself together and get over it." And then beating yourself up over it.

That's really not a huge deal. In my own relationship, I could say that to my DH or vice versa (and we would say it in a normal tone of voice) and it would be ok. Part of a partnership is being able to call each other out. You can't be walking on eggshells all the time. Misery.

I think the thing you really need to consider is how this will affect your son. Growing up in a household where, as a child, you have to be on eggshells is really damaging.

Yes, OP, you seem to have a hard time acknowledging that this is abusive to you, which it clearly is but you keep making excuses for it. So if you can't acknowledge that, realize how this is hurting your child. If you can't defend yourself, defend your child.
On a related note, one thing I learned about myself is that I kept taking care of abusive people because I had convinced myself that I was stronger than they were and that I could "take it." But that was my ego speaking. In reality, I didn't want to accept that I was like any other person who had a right to a decent life and that I wasn't asking for anything more than what any other person deserved. I had to learn to accept myself as being like any other person rather than this really strong special person who could endure abuse while taking care of the abuser.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you are not usually verbally abusive or unsympathetic to your husband. It sounds to me like what you said was the result of a lot of frustration and resentment compounded over time.

I have been in a position similar to your position, and essentially what I had to do was sit down with DH after DD went to sleep and tell him that the way he was not addressing his mental health issues was really taking a toll on our marriage. I told him that I could not be his wife and his therapist at the same time, and while I can understand how easy it is to become frustrated with a toddler, it is developmentally appropriate for a toddler to be frustrating and his job, as her parent, is to help her learn how not to behave that way. I told him that I needed him to commit to going to therapy on his own or with me and that I thought it would be good for him to speak with a psychiatrist about antidepressants. I told him that while I understand that it's hard, if he is not willing to get help with the stuff he's going through, it would destroy our relationship.

I ended my lecture by essentially begging him to choose me, our daughter, and our marriage. He did.

[Anonymous]

^^^What she said. It’s really the only thing that you can do. After that . . . you’re burned out holding things together all on your own, both you and your toddler are suffering dealing with his anger issues . . . there’s not much more you can do except put your oxygen mask on, whatever that may look like for you. And short of divorce, maybe it’s that your DH moves in with family or friends until he gets it together? Lives in your basement? I think that’s what you need to be exploring with your therapist.

Best wishes to you. I’ve btdt, and it’s a terrible place to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP.

One thing that sticks out to me is you saying: "I don't know what the hell is going on, but pull yourself together and get over it." And then beating yourself up over it.

That's really not a huge deal. In my own relationship, I could say that to my DH or vice versa (and we would say it in a normal tone of voice) and it would be ok. Part of a partnership is being able to call each other out. You can't be walking on eggshells all the time. Misery.

I think the thing you really need to consider is how this will affect your son. Growing up in a household where, as a child, you have to be on eggshells is really damaging.

OP here. I didn't say it in a normal tone. I was mean. Like, really mean. Zero compassion. And that's not something we'd ever say to each other, even calmly. A phrase like that is pretty close to nuclear option in our relationship.

Okay, so growing up in this current environment? Not good. I get that. But is it any better if DS is spending 50% of his time with a father who seems to be an unmitigated emotional disaster? At least at the moment I can buffer things. The idea of DS having to navigate DH's depression alone, at such a young age? It terrifies me. Right now, DH can't handle an hour with DS without some sort of meltdown. And I know the courts go 50/50 unless there's a really compelling reason such as prolonged abuse or neglect.

I just genuinely am at a loss of how to move forward, be it with or without DH. (my therapist is out of the country right now, ugh, otherwise I'd call and beg for the next available appointment)

You are beating yourself up for this one "mean" outburst and basically blaming yourself for setting off the "nuclear option" in your relationship. But your DH is constantly throwing tantrums and giving you the silent treatment and that is OK? You know it's not OK but you're sort of blaming yourself, again, for not having the bandwidth to be his therapist, put him in a good mood, and get him to act like a grown-up.

I agree with the PPs who have said it would be better for your child to spend 50% of his time just with his father, because (1) it's less than 100%, (2) he would have one model for a healthy household (yours), vs. 0, and (3) he would not be learning, as he is now, that the dynamic between you and your DH is normal or OK.

I would try to have a major come to Jesus discussion with him in a calm moment, and also definitely talk to your therapist about this, but you should not take separation off the table. This sounds like a truly miserable life.