Reply to How do you parent with a husband who won't?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When you are setting up the rules, are you also setting up the consequences for rule breaking?  Your kids are old enough that this should be something of a collaborative effort.  And I do believe that you're being pretty black and white about some things, like bed time.  DD1 is about to head off to college, and you're fighting with her about going to bed on time?  As long as she gets off to school on time, her time should be hers to manage.

[/quote]

Yes, we had a family meeting where we all agreed on the rules.  We talked about the problems and brainstormed consequences.   It was clear and it's even posted on the cork-board in the kitchen.
  
FOr eyars, DD1 was left to set her own bedtime but it led to her going to bed at 1 or 2 am and getting up at 6 for school.  This then led to brain fog and exhaustion.  She does not do self-care well.  SHe will run herself down until she gets sick - not a good thing when she goes off to college.  I was annoyed last night that she was watching videos and "lost track of time."  I have worked extensively on setting alarms, making a plan to get things done in a reasonable amount of time essentially helping her put strategies into place to overcome executive function weakness.  [/quote]

You do realize that in college she is going to do whatever she wants? I understand wanting to set rules and work on good habits, but it sounds like you think that it’s your way or the highway and your husband is only there to enforce *your* rules. Where’s the collaboration in that? That’s not being a team - that’s just expecting him to do things your way which he has made it clear he doesn’t agree with. If there were compromise, he wouldn’t have anything to undermine. [/quote]

THe problem has been he doesn't want any rules, but we agreed on the ones that we felt were the most important in teaching them good habits.   We both agreed to support the ones I mentioned previously.  Trust me - I compromised A LOT - especially when it came to how much of a disaster they can keep their room (I gave up teaching them the purpose of a dresser and hangers.  :)  chores - they have WAAAAY fewer than I would have liked etc...  (They are suppose take turns setting the table, but if they don't come to set the table before he is wanting to eat, he just does it for them.  Now, they never set the table because they :just need a few minutes to finish whatever they are  doing.  See the pattern?

But help me - how would you suggest I compromise further?[/quote]

I am completely on your side here, but you have a 17 and 14 year old and a completely uncooperative husband. This sounds exhausting. Both kids are leaving the nest relatively soon. I would honestly focus on the the major major issues and back off the rest. Continue the hard line on the electronics and let the rest go. Are the kids getting good grades? Does 17 year old have a plan after graduation? Will she go to college? You can really only do so much.

With your husband, to the extent possible, remind him that you all have a family agreement on consequences - which means the whole family agreed in black and white. And I wouldn't engage further. [/quote]

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