We cut SIL from our lives

[Anonymous]

SIL is mentally ill and years ago her husband begged her to stop taking her medication so she did. She’s a terrible person. I don’t know how much of it is her vs the illness. I witnessed her spank a 1 year old for having an accident in his pants. Her cousin had a stillborn and SIL showed up at the hospital uninvited and going on about her own pregnancy. She asked what the baby’s nursery was done in and announces that her baby’s nursery had the same theme. You get where I’m coming from. SIL has ZERO remorse and cousin cut her out of her life. SIL tells people that her cousin needed someone to blame and she needs “help”. Completely gross and not okay and I’m the only person other then DH that sticks up for cousin. MIL and FIL just nod along. SIL is racist. All in all she’s someone I refuse to be around or subject my daughter to and I feel I have good reason. Naturally this upsets MIL but DH made it clear we won’t be at Christmas the same time SIL is and we would prefer to celebrate with them a different day entirely to avoid drama. MIL told us no and that she needed to take her tree down and then proceeded to tell us what time we would be there. Now we aren’t spending Christmas with them at all and have blocked them for the time being. Last week MIL showed up at ballet to corner me about Christmas and I ignored her questions. That’s what lead to DH contacting her letting her know our plans for Christmas. Today is DD’s ballet Christmas program and I think MIL will show up if we don’t uninvite her. Quite frankly I don’t feel like being cornered again. Is it out of line to ask her not to come?

[Anonymous]

You don’t think she’ll show up if you uninvite her? I honestly wouldn’t let her questioning bother me that much. Just say no, again, and move on. You’re giving her too much power if you’re this worked up about it.

[Anonymous]

Ask DH what kind of childhood she had.

[Anonymous]

While I see your point about SIL I think you are elevating the drama with MIL and presumably everyone else in DHs family other than the one cousin. I don't see why MIL can't come to the recital since it doesn't involve SIL. Just make clear that you will not be discussing the topic of SIL and Christmas. If she raises it don't respond, change the subject. Don't take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Wait, is the husband of SIL your husband’s brother? Why on earth would he beg a mentally ill wife to stop taking her meds?!
As for MIL, just stand your ground and keep saying no. She can’t force you or your DH to do something you don’t want to. Let your DH handle the heavy lifting when it comes to being cornered.

[Anonymous]

You don't need a tree to celebrate Christmas. Pick a different day than SIL and go just to "visit", bring a table top tree if you wish.

[Anonymous]

Are you trying to cut your MIL out too? If not then of course she can come to the ballet recital. If she brings up Christmas you stick to your party line "We're not coming when SIL is there. We had hoped to celebrate with you at another time but you're unavailable." Then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I don’t get along with my SIL. We cut her out for years and it caused major problems. Don’t cut the grandparents out. They’re in the middle. Let them come to the ballet. They just want everyone to be happy. We’re about five years in on this and are now back to celebrating holidays with psycho SIL, it’s just easier on everyone. One thing I learned is you can’t pick your family. Better to just grin and bear it if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.

I have an issue with MIL because over Thanksgiving break she volunteered to watch DD while I worked and showed up at my work to pick DD up(I was early just setting up) and she assured me SIL wouldn’t be around and when I picked DD up SIL was there making ornaments with DD. SIL is unstable. She needs her medication. She’s not a safe person for DD. I was fuming but collected myself grabbed DD and left. When DH and I confronted her about it she simply said she had no idea SIL would be there yada yada. We’re certain this is her plan for Christmas. DH let her know we wouldn’t be joining them on the 22nd but we would love to see them the 26th and she said no and told us what time we would be there. When DH asked why she was so dead set on the 22nd she gave some lame excuse about the tree. DH told her no that we would not be there and she told him he was being crazy and she would see him the 22nd. He told her he needed space and he would see her in January. Perhaps she would be more accommodating for New Years and not put a tree above her son.

[Anonymous]

Of course you don't disinvite MIL. She can come, she is free to ask whatever she wants, and you are free to ignore, reply something sarcastic, rude or sweetly nonsensical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.

I have an issue with MIL because over Thanksgiving break she volunteered to watch DD while I worked and showed up at my work to pick DD up(I was early just setting up) and she assured me SIL wouldn’t be around and when I picked DD up SIL was there making ornaments with DD. SIL is unstable. She needs her medication. She’s not a safe person for DD. I was fuming but collected myself grabbed DD and left. When DH and I confronted her about it she simply said she had no idea SIL would be there yada yada. We’re certain this is her plan for Christmas. DH let her know we wouldn’t be joining them on the 22nd but we would love to see them the 26th and she said no and told us what time we would be there. When DH asked why she was so dead set on the 22nd she gave some lame excuse about the tree. DH told her no that we would not be there and she told him he was being crazy and she would see him the 22nd. He told her he needed space and he would see her in January. Perhaps she would be more accommodating for New Years and not put a tree above her son.

You understand it's not the tree, right? It's the date that SIL is available, probably. Or something else.

Whatever it is, never leave your children alone with MIL. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Of course you don't disinvite MIL. She can come, she is free to ask whatever she wants, and you are free to ignore, reply something sarcastic, rude or sweetly nonsensical.

It’s always me she corners. Why can’t she just ask her son? I’m so fed up with it. It will just be me at ballet as DH and my parents can’t make it and I just want to have a good time and watch my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.

I have an issue with MIL because over Thanksgiving break she volunteered to watch DD while I worked and showed up at my work to pick DD up(I was early just setting up) and she assured me SIL wouldn’t be around and when I picked DD up SIL was there making ornaments with DD. SIL is unstable. She needs her medication. She’s not a safe person for DD. I was fuming but collected myself grabbed DD and left. When DH and I confronted her about it she simply said she had no idea SIL would be there yada yada. We’re certain this is her plan for Christmas. DH let her know we wouldn’t be joining them on the 22nd but we would love to see them the 26th and she said no and told us what time we would be there. When DH asked why she was so dead set on the 22nd she gave some lame excuse about the tree. DH told her no that we would not be there and she told him he was being crazy and she would see him the 22nd. He told her he needed space and he would see her in January. Perhaps she would be more accommodating for New Years and not put a tree above her son.

You understand it's not the tree, right? It's the date that SIL is available, probably. Or something else.

Whatever it is, never leave your children alone with MIL. Easy.

We know it’s not the tree but her trying to manipulate us into spending Christmas with SIL. She refused to budge at all so now we aren’t going at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.

I have an issue with MIL because over Thanksgiving break she volunteered to watch DD while I worked and showed up at my work to pick DD up(I was early just setting up) and she assured me SIL wouldn’t be around and when I picked DD up SIL was there making ornaments with DD. SIL is unstable. She needs her medication. She’s not a safe person for DD. I was fuming but collected myself grabbed DD and left. When DH and I confronted her about it she simply said she had no idea SIL would be there yada yada. We’re certain this is her plan for Christmas. DH let her know we wouldn’t be joining them on the 22nd but we would love to see them the 26th and she said no and told us what time we would be there. When DH asked why she was so dead set on the 22nd she gave some lame excuse about the tree. DH told her no that we would not be there and she told him he was being crazy and she would see him the 22nd. He told her he needed space and he would see her in January. Perhaps she would be more accommodating for New Years and not put a tree above her son.

Why December 22 important to her? That’s a very odd date to fixate on.