We cut SIL from our lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I see your point about SIL I think you are elevating the drama with MIL and presumably everyone else in DHs family other than the one cousin. I don't see why MIL can't come to the recital since it doesn't involve SIL. Just make clear that you will not be discussing the topic of SIL and Christmas. If she raises it don't respond, change the subject. Don't take the bait.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Of course you don't disinvite MIL. She can come, she is free to ask whatever she wants, and you are free to ignore, reply something sarcastic, rude or sweetly nonsensical.

It’s always me she corners. Why can’t she just ask her son? I’m so fed up with it. It will just be me at ballet as DH and my parents can’t make it and I just want to have a good time and watch my daughter.

Just repeat over and over again: “You’ll have to talk to your son about that.”

Smile. Don’t argue. Don’t share plans. Just repeat cheerfully “Oh, you’ll need to talk to DH about that.”

This is not hard. Don’t make it hard.

[Anonymous]

OP, we can tell you're very anxious about this. Breathe. Everything will be fine. YOU're not the one with the terribly handicapping mental disorder!

Just keep refusing to visit the ILs. If MIL comes to badger you at the ballet performance, tell her that she persists, you'll cut her off as well. You can try to disinvite her, but I bet she'll come anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.

I have an issue with MIL because over Thanksgiving break she volunteered to watch DD while I worked and showed up at my work to pick DD up(I was early just setting up) and she assured me SIL wouldn’t be around and when I picked DD up SIL was there making ornaments with DD. SIL is unstable. She needs her medication. She’s not a safe person for DD. I was fuming but collected myself grabbed DD and left. When DH and I confronted her about it she simply said she had no idea SIL would be there yada yada. We’re certain this is her plan for Christmas. DH let her know we wouldn’t be joining them on the 22nd but we would love to see them the 26th and she said no and told us what time we would be there. When DH asked why she was so dead set on the 22nd she gave some lame excuse about the tree. DH told her no that we would not be there and she told him he was being crazy and she would see him the 22nd. He told her he needed space and he would see her in January. Perhaps she would be more accommodating for New Years and not put a tree above her son.

She has some other ulterior motive. Perhaps SIL is going to "spontaneously" stop by. The ornament thing would have sent me though the roof. MIL sounds like she has something going on too. She's deliberately defying explicit directions from you regarding your child. Not okay.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like it's time for a break from MIL also. Maybe something to consider. She's demonstrating very little respect for you and DH. I'm sorry about the recital. I've been in the same position, but with my mother. I know you just want to have fun and enjoy and now you're dreading it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know... clearly SIL is not a great person and I can imagine you not wanting to have close relationship with her or leaving your daughter alone with her... but why ruin Christmas for everyone? What are you afraid of exactly? SIL does not need to spend any moment alone with you or your DD...
it just seems to me that you are exaggerating this whole thing out of proportion and dragging your husband through it. Unless there is a lot more to this situation, Why are you trying to isolate your husband from his family?

[Anonymous]

I bet your in-laws think you are the crazy one... try to see things also from their perspective and be reasonable. It’s Christmas and only 1 day... why do you need to be the one dividing the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet your in-laws think you are the crazy one... try to see things also from their perspective and be reasonable. It’s Christmas and only 1 day... why do you need to be the one dividing the family?

DH made the final call. He handles his family and makes that decision. SIL is truly unstable and doesn’t try to hide it when it’s just family around. The little boy she babysits she repeatedly referred to as “fag” because he didn’t like sticking his hand in the pumpkin. The other kids’ parents sent me actual proof of neglect and showed me the bruises on their kids and video of her yelling at one of the 1 year olds because he was afraid of the potty. These are things she would do to MY child in front of me, I truly believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet your in-laws think you are the crazy one... try to see things also from their perspective and be reasonable. It’s Christmas and only 1 day... why do you need to be the one dividing the family?

DH made the final call. He handles his family and makes that decision. SIL is truly unstable and doesn’t try to hide it when it’s just family around. The little boy she babysits she repeatedly referred to as “fag” because he didn’t like sticking his hand in the pumpkin. The other kids’ parents sent me actual proof of neglect and showed me the bruises on their kids and video of her yelling at one of the 1 year olds because he was afraid of the potty. These are things she would do to MY child in front of me, I truly believe that.

Why is she babysitting anyone then? Why hasn’t the police been called? If she is THIS crazy and abusive she should never be around ANY children... not just your DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet your in-laws think you are the crazy one... try to see things also from their perspective and be reasonable. It’s Christmas and only 1 day... why do you need to be the one dividing the family?

DH made the final call. He handles his family and makes that decision. SIL is truly unstable and doesn’t try to hide it when it’s just family around. The little boy she babysits she repeatedly referred to as “fag” because he didn’t like sticking his hand in the pumpkin. The other kids’ parents sent me actual proof of neglect and showed me the bruises on their kids and video of her yelling at one of the 1 year olds because he was afraid of the potty. These are things she would do to MY child in front of me, I truly believe that.

Why is she babysitting anyone then? Why hasn’t the police been called? If she is THIS crazy and abusive she should never be around ANY children... not just your DD

Child protective services have been notified multiple times and nothing has been done.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I wouldn’t want my kids around her either. Agree with PP to just continually direct her to your husband. And I give him credit for drawing the line and being the one to communicate it to his mom, even though she’s not hearing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I don’t get along with my SIL. We cut her out for years and it caused major problems. Don’t cut the grandparents out. They’re in the middle. Let them come to the ballet. They just want everyone to be happy. We’re about five years in on this and are now back to celebrating holidays with psycho SIL, it’s just easier on everyone. One thing I learned is you can’t pick your family. Better to just grin and bear it if you can.

I wouldn't do this. SIL needs to behave better and the parents have a responsibility to intervene. SHE is causing the problems-you just look like a weaker, easier link and most likely to cave so they don't have to do any real work.

[Anonymous]

No easy answers OP. I had to distance myself from my MIL who also kept hassling me to interact with a horrible family member and pretend his behavior wasn egregious.

[Anonymous]

I have this. SIL is crazy from a crazy family and I can’t stand her. I am considering skipping spending x.mas with my mom this year (I am a single mom of an only child) just because SIL exhausts and maddens me. It has been 7(?) years now and I realize I am the one who looks crazed. In an effort to save my mother and aunt from SIL I spent so much time pointing out the crazy (which was obvious enough for all to see) and I ended up looking petty and vengeful. Well, SIL was living with my disabled aunt who has since passed away. Since SIL stopped being an immediate threat I have stopped paying attention to their lives and am much happier. I am trying to offer my mother some times with everyone in the same house and be gracious about it. I still cannot stand SIL but I don’t bother to protest. I support the decision you and DH made to step away from the dynamic. My mother remains entangled and I hate to confess I have called her on it a few times. Those experiences made me realize, she just won’t hear/adjust/behave accordingly and I cannot control that. Stepping away and only engaging on my terms (with a decision to be gracious and giving and kind with the time I do provide), I feel much better and stable myself. You and your DH got this OP.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations?