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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, it took a while to find the immediate question: Should you disinvite MIL to today's ballet performance or not?

You need to ask this of DH (his family is his job to manage) and if the mutual decision is that HE needs to call MIL and ask her not to attend, then he, not you, tells MIL that.

It sounds like your issues with MIL are centered on SIL--rather than on MIL herself. Is that correct? MIL is wanting SIL and your family together and yes, that's an MIL problem, BUT MIL herself Is OK, generally? The problem is her blindness about SIL?

If that's the case, I would not necessarily burn all bridges with MIL and FIL because eventually SIL will do something to alienate them too and they'll realize she's seriously problematic. Or they'll keep wanting to see her which is their prerogative as her parents, however bad an idea it may be; you and DH, especially DH, need to ensure you don't cross paths with SIL but that does not mean cutting out MIL and FIL forever, from everything -- does it?

If your only fear for today is being cornered with questions again, well, in your shoes I would not disinvite MIL but would be well prepared with what I'd say to her. Preferably what DH would say to her, if he is at this performance.

MIL: "You know we're expecting you at 2:00 on Christmas Day...."

DH (or you, preferably DH): "I know you said you expect us, but remember, we told you/emailed you/whatever that we have our own plans this year and won't be coming to your house. We are free on [date after SIL is gone]. Susie has been so excited about the performance today! She'll be in the blue costume..."

Be calm, be firm, always offer your alternative SIL-free date (so MIL cannot say "They don't want to see us at all"), and then deflect and distract by turning the conversation immediately to your child, the performance, etc.

Do not ever engage if she tries to debate this further.

MIL: "I know you said that, but it won't be Christmas if we're not all together." Or: "SIL is sick, not mean, and she really needs family support right now." Or: "It's unkind of you to be so harsh to her especially at the holidays." "What if we just have a shorter Christmas dinner" or other changes. Etc., etc.

DH/you: "I'm sorry you feel that way. We're free only on [date]. Did I tell you that Susie made an ornament in class? It's a snowman made out of...."

And so on. She will at least be quiet during the performance, right? Afterward, whisk her to where you meet your child and make a fuss over your kid. "Look, grandma came to watch you dance!" etc.

Parents, especially of older generations, tend to feel they must embrace or even fix adult children like your SIL, and want things "just to be like they used to" or even to be like they never were. A happy, Norman Rockwell perfect holiday. If this is what MIL and FIL are doing, and they're in denial that SIL has offended people, then it doesn't necessarily make THEM mean or bad, it makes them humans. If you and DH are calm and collected and firm, you can keep them in your lives and your kid's but SIL mustn't become a subject of discussion or debate.

Update us.[/quote]

I have an issue with MIL because over Thanksgiving break she volunteered to watch DD while I worked and showed up at my work to pick DD up(I was early just setting up) and she assured me SIL wouldn’t be around and when I picked DD up SIL was there making ornaments with DD. SIL is unstable. She needs her medication. She’s not a safe person for DD. I was fuming but collected myself grabbed DD and left. When DH and I confronted her about it she simply said she had no idea SIL would be there yada yada. We’re certain this is her plan for Christmas. DH let her know we wouldn’t be joining them on the 22nd but we would love to see them the 26th and she said no and told us what time we would be there. When DH asked why she was so dead set on the 22nd she gave some lame excuse about the tree. DH told her no that we would not be there and she told him he was being crazy and she would see him the 22nd. He told her he needed space and he would see her in January. Perhaps she would be more accommodating for New Years and not put a tree above her son. [/quote]

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