How do you divorce an alcoholic wife?

[Anonymous]

My brother feels completely trapped. He’s known his wife since they were teenagers but married 10 years. Unfortunately after their 2nd child the anxiety she had that was well-controlled by meds became not. She then turned to Xanax and alcohol and has been in and out of rehab for past 3 years. My brother has been a virtually single parent during this time with the help of grandparents. He really wanted to make it work as he loves her (sober) but she just can’t seem to beat this disease and he is beyond stressed and miserable. But he feels trapped because right now he can make sure his young kids are safe in the house/he drives them everywhere, but if he were to pursue a divorce she would likely get some custody where he’d be worried sick about their safety. Not to mention, if alcoholism is a disease, he feels like crap divorcing her over it but it’s destroyed their lives. I feel so bad for him and his current plan to live in misery and stress until kids are teenagers (5 more years).

[Anonymous]

Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

[Anonymous]

Having birth can trigger hormonal changes in the body. The medication she was on may not have been working as well and she started self medicating the anxiety. If she’s willing to try new meds that would be great. She may also need her hormones levels checked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having birth can trigger hormonal changes in the body. The medication she was on may not have been working as well and she started self medicating the anxiety. If she’s willing to try new meds that would be great. She may also need her hormones levels checked.

Yes, she’s been trying different anxiety meds but unfortunately not finding one that gets her to a place of sobriety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

I’ve posted frequently about this lately. I’m an alcoholic wife/mother. I have 34 days sober. I started in AA almost 3 months ago and fell off the wagon twice. I am also Agnostic and in the beginning kept rolling my eyes.

You should know everything an Alcoholics Anonymous talks about God or a higher power as you understand it.

Step 2 states that, “We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”


After my second relapse I was reading that and thought. “Well shit. I hope there is a power greater than myself because my self isn’t doing so hot”


There are also non religious SMART recovery meetings


Op - I don’t have any practical advice for you I’m sorry. I feel pretty confident if I relapse again my husband will leave me and take our daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

I’ve posted frequently about this lately. I’m an alcoholic wife/mother. I have 34 days sober. I started in AA almost 3 months ago and fell off the wagon twice. I am also Agnostic and in the beginning kept rolling my eyes.

You should know everything an Alcoholics Anonymous talks about God or a higher power as you understand it.

Step 2 states that, “We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”


After my second relapse I was reading that and thought. “Well shit. I hope there is a power greater than myself because my self isn’t doing so hot”


There are also non religious SMART recovery meetings


Op - I don’t have any practical advice for you I’m sorry. I feel pretty confident if I relapse again my husband will leave me and take our daughter

Do you have abuse/rape/trauma in your past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

I’ve posted frequently about this lately. I’m an alcoholic wife/mother. I have 34 days sober. I started in AA almost 3 months ago and fell off the wagon twice. I am also Agnostic and in the beginning kept rolling my eyes.

You should know everything an Alcoholics Anonymous talks about God or a higher power as you understand it.

Step 2 states that, “We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”


After my second relapse I was reading that and thought. “Well shit. I hope there is a power greater than myself because my self isn’t doing so hot”


There are also non religious SMART recovery meetings


Op - I don’t have any practical advice for you I’m sorry. I feel pretty confident if I relapse again my husband will leave me and take our daughter

Do you have abuse/rape/trauma in your past?

I am an ACE as is basically everyone in AA

Adverse childhood events. ACE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

I’ve posted frequently about this lately. I’m an alcoholic wife/mother. I have 34 days sober. I started in AA almost 3 months ago and fell off the wagon twice. I am also Agnostic and in the beginning kept rolling my eyes.

You should know everything an Alcoholics Anonymous talks about God or a higher power as you understand it.

Step 2 states that, “We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”


After my second relapse I was reading that and thought. “Well shit. I hope there is a power greater than myself because my self isn’t doing so hot”


There are also non religious SMART recovery meetings


Op - I don’t have any practical advice for you I’m sorry. I feel pretty confident if I relapse again my husband will leave me and take our daughter

This is OP, thank you for sharing since my SIL won’t talk about how she’s feeling with me. I wish you the best of luck, truly.

[Anonymous]

13:20, I wish you the best as well.

Op, My BIL has been sober many years but it was a lot of tries to get there. Fortunately became sober before kids and has been able to maintain his sobriety since. He was a high school and college athlete and pretty much an alcoholic by high school.

A factor was definitely the hard drinking/party culture but in my humble opinion, an undiagnosed something. He’s very type a and ocd. Between the constellation of traits their kids have and the actual diagnosis my kids have, i’ve seen a lot of how anxiety manifests.

He’s had great success with AA and isn’t religious at all. He’s made some really close friends through aa as well and having a network of friends who know and understand you as sober helps. From what I understand a lot of less religious, agnostic, or even atheist approach aa from a more universalist/Transcendentalist approach, the higher power as you see it, but what it really means is you don’t have control over others or events, only your thoughts and actions. This is also something to CBT therapy.

Your sil may write off aa because it gives her permission not to address the alcoholism. She may have better response to traditional CBT approaches with someone familiar with addiction. It also may help her to have a sober peer group. A lot of women use social outlets like book groups as an excuse to get drunk. There is a largely ignored issue of mothers day drinking/abusing alcohol. It gets headlines when someone drives their minivan the wrong way on the highway. My sister doesn’t drink because of my BIL. Even if your sil had a peer group of women who are sober by choice might help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Being married to an alcoholic is terrible, I know because I went through it. Divorced now. I will say though, after he sobered up, he's an even bigger asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

I’ve posted frequently about this lately. I’m an alcoholic wife/mother. I have 34 days sober. I started in AA almost 3 months ago and fell off the wagon twice. I am also Agnostic and in the beginning kept rolling my eyes.

You should know everything an Alcoholics Anonymous talks about God or a higher power as you understand it.

Step 2 states that, “We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”


After my second relapse I was reading that and thought. “Well shit. I hope there is a power greater than myself because my self isn’t doing so hot”


There are also non religious SMART recovery meetings


Op - I don’t have any practical advice for you I’m sorry. I feel pretty confident if I relapse again my husband will leave me and take our daughter

Pulling for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to go to al-anon for support.

Statistically when it’s the husband who is the alcoholic, the wife toughs it out. When it’s the woman, she usually gets dumped.

Addiction is a disease that very hard to treat because the person who needs to acknowledge there’s a problem and wants to change. Even when they’ve come to this point, they may still relapse. That’s why going to meetings is part of the program and enforced rehab doesn’t usually work.

He’s been listening to their podcasts as not a free minute in his day to go to meetings. She is an atheist and says she hates the AA meetings and the people there because of religious spin so won’t go anymore.

There are a lot of atheists and agnostics in AA. A higher power doesn't have to be a god.

[Anonymous]

He’ll get full custody. A judge will see she’s a boozehound and pill popper.

[Anonymous]

Your brother should read up on adult children of alcoholics. I know he’s worried about custody, but staying with an alcoholic parents sets patterns that are very hard to undo.

My now ex husband grew up with an alcoholic mom who went to rehab multiple times during her life. Staying with her really messed all the sons up.

My ex also developed a drinking problem and mental illness, like his mom. I made a choice when the kids were 18 mos and 5 years to kick him out.

My attorney told me my DH would get 50/50 custody unless there was evidence he physically or sexually abused the kids (he hadn’t).

I maintained a conciliatory stance with him and was able to informally (as opposed to in court) create a situation where the kids stayed with me but he visited my home 3 nights and 1 weekend day with the kids. He never pressed for full legal custody on paper; I think he knew he couldn’t do it. He did manage to not drink around the kids while he was with me, but sometimes this meant he’d only spend an hour with them.

Once they got to be about 5 and 8, he would take them out alone for a couple hours in public. He never pushed for sleepovers until the kids were in HS. I would say I felt pretty comfortable that they could protect themselves by the time they were about 8 and 11 and the older one had a phone. Since age 5 I had been educating them about drinking, the dangers of drinking and the family history of alcoholism via their Grandma (not mentioning Dad)

TBH, the divorce has been hard for them but less so than living with an alcoholic parent. I truly believe that 50% of the time in a sober family home is what will break the intergenerational cycle of alcoholism.

Your brother’s kids sound old enough to manage thru divorce. I personally think splitting up in teen years creates a bigger risk that kids may also be vulnerable to alcoholism.