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[quote=Anonymous]Your brother should read up on adult children of alcoholics.  I know he’s worried about custody, but staying with an alcoholic parents sets patterns that are very hard to undo.

My now ex husband grew up with an alcoholic mom who went to rehab multiple times during her life.  Staying with her really messed all the sons up.

My ex also developed a drinking problem and mental illness, like his mom.  I made a choice when the kids were 18 mos and 5 years to kick him out.

My attorney told me my DH would get 50/50 custody unless there was evidence he physically or sexually abused the kids (he hadn’t).

I maintained a conciliatory stance with him and was able to informally (as opposed to in court) create a situation where the kids stayed with me but he visited my home 3 nights and 1 weekend day with the kids.  He never pressed for full legal custody on paper; I think he knew he couldn’t do it. He did manage to not drink around the kids while he was with me, but sometimes this meant he’d only spend an hour with them.

Once they got to be about 5 and 8, he would take them out alone for a couple hours in public.  He never pushed for sleepovers until the kids were in HS.  I would say I felt pretty comfortable that they could protect themselves by the time they were about 8 and 11 and the older one had a phone. Since age 5 I had been educating them about drinking, the dangers of drinking and the family history of alcoholism via their Grandma (not mentioning Dad)

TBH, the divorce has been hard for them but less so than living with an alcoholic parent. I truly believe that 50% of the time in a sober family home is what will break the intergenerational cycle of alcoholism.

Your brother’s kids sound old enough to manage thru divorce. I personally think splitting up in teen years creates a bigger risk that kids may also be vulnerable to alcoholism.
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