Maintain contact with ex-sister in law?

[Anonymous]

My brother got divorced about 3 years ago and, since then, has remarried. He has a child from his first marriage (elementary aged), a toddler from his second, and another child on the way.

I last was my ex-sister in law about two years ago over Christmas holidays (I go to that area every other year for Christmas). We send occasional texts free of meaningful content because the divorce has been very bitter. So, I might text “happy birthday! Thinking of you today!” Or she might drop a note saying “you would really like this show on TV...” and we send pictures of the kids, but we don’t chat anymore.

A few weeks ago I booked my flights for Christmas. I wrote ex-sister in law that I didn’t know my exact plans, but if she was interested I’d like to grab a cup of tea with her; if she was too busy I’d understand. She wrote “that sounds lovely! Let me know what works for you closer to the date!”

Since then, my brother sent an email to our family members saying that he and his wife feel strongly that we not let our children see / visit with Ex sister in law (because of how nasty things are); if she invites us over they want us to reverse the invitation (I’m assuming with the belief she’ll decline).

Obviously my brother is my family member and the relationship I’ll be maintaining going forward, but can I still have tea with her? Do I ask permission of him / his wife, or assert that I’ll respect the wishes not to get together with the kids but I’m planning to catch up with her? She was in our family (dating and marriage) for over a decade and I’d like to try to be at least civil. But I don’t want to burn bridges with my brother or make things worse for his family.

[Anonymous]

Op here - oops; that should say “last saw”

[Anonymous]

This is weird.

She’s the mother of your niece so it’s flat out strange not to see her. Your brother seems out of line. He’s been divorced 3 years is already remarried with 2 children??! Did he cheat on her and marry his AP?

Also, what exactly is nasty about the divorce? At 3 years out, shouldn’t everything already be settled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird.

She’s the mother of your niece so it’s flat out strange not to see her. Your brother seems out of line. He’s been divorced 3 years is already remarried with 2 children??! Did he cheat on her and marry his AP?

Also, what exactly is nasty about the divorce? At 3 years out, shouldn’t everything already be settled?

+1. There’s often a lot of acrimony after divorce but in my family, people maintain cordial relationships to the exes regardless of how the marriage ended because they are the parent of their nieces/nephews, grandkids etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird.

She’s the mother of your niece so it’s flat out strange not to see her. Your brother seems out of line. He’s been divorced 3 years is already remarried with 2 children??! Did he cheat on her and marry his AP?

Also, what exactly is nasty about the divorce? At 3 years out, shouldn’t everything already be settled?

+1 - I probably wouldn't respond, but if I did I'd tell him that. And I wouldn't engage in any trash talking with either party. Your brother and his current wife sound like they like the drama.

[Anonymous]

From your post she sounds like a nice person, and I can't help but think your brother cheated on her, hence his stand on this and the fact that he is already married with kids, I am assuming though. If that is the case, I'd let brother know you already have plans to see her, I wouldn't cancel the plans.

[Anonymous]

I would meet with her. She is mother of your niece! I would just ignore your brother’s email and go forward with your plans. He has no right to control you. If things are nasty with them, he is half of that problem. I would meet her for tea, catch up, and let her know you care. You do not owe your brother to sister in law any explanation as to how you spend your time. Refuse to engage. Both you and your former sister in law sound so much nicer than your brother and current sister in law. You are kind, your brother is mean.

[Anonymous]

Meet her solo for coffee and catch up. What you and she do on your own time is your business. Don’t put it on social media, don’t bring her to family events, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to get together with her on your own.

[Anonymous]

You’re in a tough situation, for sure. My sister-in-law is a lot younger than my husband. I met her more than 25 years ago, when she was in elementary school. I’ve watched her grow up. She’s come to me for advice. I think of her as my sister. It would break my heart if she wanted to break off contact with me after I divorced her brother. I get along with and enjoy the company of all my brothers and sisters-in-law. Also, the only nieces and nephews I have are through my marriage. I love those kids and would be so sad if I could no longer have contact with them. For that reason, I do kind of think your brother is being selfish and vindictive - but I don’t know the dynamics of the divorce and how your ex-SIL has behaved, so perhaps his request is warranted.

If you meet with her, you definitely should shut down any attempts she makes to talk/ask about your brother and his wife and their children. Establish clear boundaries so she knows that you’re not taking part in their drama. Be neither a middle-man nor a source of information. Don’t hide your visit from your brother.

[Anonymous]

I would not ask permission from my brother even thought he situation is messy. If the ex starts fishing for information on your brother, back away. NO social media is a given.

[Anonymous]

Screw your brother! Who does he think he is!!!! What a controlling jerk. You are allowed and SHOULD maintain a civil relationship with your ex SIL because she has your niece. Their marriage and their troubles are THEIRS. Not yours. You don't have to show your brother blind loyalty.

Can you tell I am projecting? If my ex SILs wanted to maintain a civil relationship with me after I split with their brother I would have loved that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother got divorced about 3 years ago and, since then, has remarried. He has a child from his first marriage (elementary aged), a toddler from his second, and another child on the way.

I last was my ex-sister in law about two years ago over Christmas holidays (I go to that area every other year for Christmas). We send occasional texts free of meaningful content because the divorce has been very bitter. So, I might text “happy birthday! Thinking of you today!” Or she might drop a note saying “you would really like this show on TV...” and we send pictures of the kids, but we don’t chat anymore.

A few weeks ago I booked my flights for Christmas. I wrote ex-sister in law that I didn’t know my exact plans, but if she was interested I’d like to grab a cup of tea with her; if she was too busy I’d understand. She wrote “that sounds lovely! Let me know what works for you closer to the date!”

Since then, my brother sent an email to our family members saying that he and his wife feel strongly that we not let our children see / visit with Ex sister in law (because of how nasty things are); if she invites us over they want us to reverse the invitation (I’m assuming with the belief she’ll decline).

Obviously my brother is my family member and the relationship I’ll be maintaining going forward, but can I still have tea with her? Do I ask permission of him / his wife, or assert that I’ll respect the wishes not to get together with the kids but I’m planning to catch up with her? She was in our family (dating and marriage) for over a decade and I’d like to try to be at least civil. But I don’t want to burn bridges with my brother or make things worse for his family.

NP I think your brother and new SIL were out of line. I would continue to meet and talk to former SIL If he complains tell him that he has no right to control your relationships with anyone. Tell him you are sorry he feels this way but to MYOB. I wouldn't share either and do NOT ask permission. You are a grown adult and have rights to visit and see whomever you want.

Good luck! Sorry you are in this position but, your brother sounds like a jerk

[Anonymous]

I guess I’ll offer a different point of view. I think it might be better not to see her. It doesn’t sound like you two are particularly close - with the texts you describe and lack of contact. There are lots of people that it might be “nice to see” but aren’t priorities and some of those relationships fall away over the years. I don’t think it’s a great idea to go out of your way to cultivate this one. I’d say let it go. If she had been a dear, dear friend that you completely trusted and often confided in, spent weekends with, etc... maybe my feedback would be different. But a decade of knowing someone in the family isn’t necessarily a reason to stay in touch. My vote, don’t see her behind your brother’s back.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of ex ILs because my siblings divorced and married a lot. I’m in touch with all exes. I fully intended to keep in touch with all nieces and nephews and for my kids to know cousins. I never took sides in their disputes. Kids are grown now and I think we’re all thankful that we can all be together in the same place without conflict.

So FWIW, I would be open about going but I wouldn’t change my plans. You have a relationship separate and apart from theirs.

[Anonymous]

Your brother sounds like a petty, nasty person. Does he ever see his daughter? I'd see her and your niece(if she were my niece), what an ahole your brother is!