Maintain contact with ex-sister in law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,
My understanding is ex SIL has threatened legal action (restraining order? Don’t know if that’s even possible) to prevent my sister in law from attending any school events / parent-teacher conferences etc and prevent my brother from attending them on days that aren’t “his”. My brother claims she said she’d sue the school if the teacher communicates with brother’s wife. I have no idea if any of this is true. He says she has also said she will call police if they set foot on her property so that custody exchanges are done on the street / in the car. To date she has not been willing to talk to my brother’s new wife (ie no words exchanged if she does drop off / they haven’t spoken ever) but my ex SIL has a significant other who has met / gone to coffee with my brother and his wife on some occasions and (according to my brother) is approachable and reasonable. The drama!!!

Anyway, because there is a supposed threat of further legal action (my brother and his wife are considering hashing this out in court, they say) this is the grounds for their request not to see her. I have no way or knowing if they are actually considering this or just want to control how the holidays are spent. In my experience my brother and his wife are actually very rational people on all other topics, and tend to give good advice, but my ex SIl was always kind and approachable too.

Then let them hash it out in court. Your brother is being unreasonable in his request. You can and should maintain a cordial relationship for the sake of your niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here,
My understanding is ex SIL has threatened legal action (restraining order? Don’t know if that’s even possible) to prevent my sister in law from attending any school events / parent-teacher conferences etc and prevent my brother from attending them on days that aren’t “his”. My brother claims she said she’d sue the school if the teacher communicates with brother’s wife. I have no idea if any of this is true. He says she has also said she will call police if they set foot on her property so that custody exchanges are done on the street / in the car. To date she has not been willing to talk to my brother’s new wife (ie no words exchanged if she does drop off / they haven’t spoken ever) but my ex SIL has a significant other who has met / gone to coffee with my brother and his wife on some occasions and (according to my brother) is approachable and reasonable. The drama!!!

Anyway, because there is a supposed threat of further legal action (my brother and his wife are considering hashing this out in court, they say) this is the grounds for their request not to see her. I have no way or knowing if they are actually considering this or just want to control how the holidays are spent. In my experience my brother and his wife are actually very rational people on all other topics, and tend to give good advice, but my ex SIl was always kind and approachable too.

1) Your ex-SIL is being totally reasonable in her request that your brother's AP/new wife not be welcome at school events or parent teacher conferences. It would be nice if she was willing to allow it, but I completely understand why she wouldn't want that woman around. She cannot, however, ban your brother from coming to school events on his non-custodial days.
2) Your ex-SIL gets to say who comes and does not come onto her property.

Look, I get contentious divorce. It sounds like ex-SIL is still very angry, but from her perspective, regardless of what she did, her husband cheated on her, impregnated his AP, and married her almost immediately. Why in the world would she want to see that woman or allow any more access to her child than she is required to by a joint custody agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here,
My understanding is ex SIL has threatened legal action (restraining order? Don’t know if that’s even possible) to prevent my sister in law from attending any school events / parent-teacher conferences etc and prevent my brother from attending them on days that aren’t “his”. My brother claims she said she’d sue the school if the teacher communicates with brother’s wife. I have no idea if any of this is true. He says she has also said she will call police if they set foot on her property so that custody exchanges are done on the street / in the car. To date she has not been willing to talk to my brother’s new wife (ie no words exchanged if she does drop off / they haven’t spoken ever) but my ex SIL has a significant other who has met / gone to coffee with my brother and his wife on some occasions and (according to my brother) is approachable and reasonable. The drama!!!

Anyway, because there is a supposed threat of further legal action (my brother and his wife are considering hashing this out in court, they say) this is the grounds for their request not to see her. I have no way or knowing if they are actually considering this or just want to control how the holidays are spent. In my experience my brother and his wife are actually very rational people on all other topics, and tend to give good advice, but my ex SIl was always kind and approachable too.

Then let them hash it out in court. Your brother is being unreasonable in his request. You can and should maintain a cordial relationship for the sake of your niece.

This. Sounds like there was/is bad behavior on all sides, but none of that has to do with your relationship with your ex SIL, your nephew, or your kids' relationships with their (former) aunt and cousin. Don't engage in discussions about the court case, your brother, his new wife, etc., but otherwise proceed as normal with your distantly friendly relationship.

You don't say how old your kids are, but assuming that they're older than toddlers, I think it's nice that your ex-SIL wants to remain in their lives and not just disappear. Presumably they've considered her family and their aunt for most of their lives - I think it's a good lesson for them to see that, even though there was a divorce, their aunt still cares about them.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is an ass. But you have to placate him if you want access to your nieces nephews.

[Anonymous]

If you meet her, do not discuss your brother AT ALL. If they did not have any kids together, I would not keep in touch. But she is the mother of your niece. She deserves some respect.

[Anonymous]

OMG this is WAY too much drama for you to go near. I would catch up with SIL *after* they settle everything. You can still see your nephew when your brother has him.

I am the child of a cheating dad who married his pregnant affair partner a week before she gave birth. My mom lost a lot of friends after the divocrce.

I am divorced from a cheater and maintain cordial relations with my ex in laws. I lost a lot of friends after the divorce.

Continue your friendly texts and pics once in a while but stay away from this mess. Your brother and new SL will never forgive you and will think of you as a disloyal traitor which could have literally life-long consequences for you and your kids and affect more than just that relationship (I e grandparents). Your ex SIL also sounds like a piece of work and she may use your visit to manufacture drama (saying to ex how she saw you).

When things quiet down in the future you can visit her.

You are not so important to ex SIL that she needs to see you, but your brother, other nieces, and parents are important to you and your kids.

Stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG this is WAY too much drama for you to go near. I would catch up with SIL *after* they settle everything. You can still see your nephew when your brother has him.

I am the child of a cheating dad who married his pregnant affair partner a week before she gave birth. My mom lost a lot of friends after the divocrce.

I am divorced from a cheater and maintain cordial relations with my ex in laws. I lost a lot of friends after the divorce.

Continue your friendly texts and pics once in a while but stay away from this mess. Your brother and new SL will never forgive you and will think of you as a disloyal traitor which could have literally life-long consequences for you and your kids and affect more than just that relationship (I e grandparents). Your ex SIL also sounds like a piece of work and she may use your visit to manufacture drama (saying to ex how she saw you).

When things quiet down in the future you can visit her.

You are not so important to ex SIL that she needs to see you, but your brother, other nieces, and parents are important to you and your kids.

Stay away.

Thanks. I hear you and would definitely feel this way if we were all nearer. Last time I saw her it felt like things really hadn’t settled and if I don’t see her now (and we keep our routine) I won’t be in her area again for another two years. Since I don’t want any thing meaningful in writing (I don’t even want to ask her about her boyfriend or her new job) and I don’t think she does either, if I don’t see her in person I’m pretty much guaranteed that the relationship is over. It might be the right thing, but that’s what I’m weighing.

[Anonymous]

I would not see her OP. And that would just sort of happen "Oh Sara, I'm so sorry - I was really looking forward to seeing you but X came up and I'm going to have to take a raincheck. Wishing you and little Sara a fantastic holiday season. All the best, Jane."

There is a ton of drama here that you know about, so almost certainly a whole glacier's worth of additional nightmare you don't know. So just take the path of least resistance and engagement. You can always re-establish a stronger connection w/ her in the future, when there isn't as much drama - and that will be much more possible if you're not in the mix now during the ugliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not see her OP. And that would just sort of happen "Oh Sara, I'm so sorry - I was really looking forward to seeing you but X came up and I'm going to have to take a raincheck. Wishing you and little Sara a fantastic holiday season. All the best, Jane."

There is a ton of drama here that you know about, so almost certainly a whole glacier's worth of additional nightmare you don't know. So just take the path of least resistance and engagement. You can always re-establish a stronger connection w/ her in the future, when there isn't as much drama - and that will be much more possible if you're not in the mix now during the ugliness.

Yeah, I agree. There is waaaay too much drama here. Even if your DB didn't send his edict at (which I would not feel I needed to follow), your XSIL is best avoided until this blows over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not see her OP. And that would just sort of happen "Oh Sara, I'm so sorry - I was really looking forward to seeing you but X came up and I'm going to have to take a raincheck. Wishing you and little Sara a fantastic holiday season. All the best, Jane."

There is a ton of drama here that you know about, so almost certainly a whole glacier's worth of additional nightmare you don't know. So just take the path of least resistance and engagement. You can always re-establish a stronger connection w/ her in the future, when there isn't as much drama - and that will be much more possible if you're not in the mix now during the ugliness.

Yeah, I agree. There is waaaay too much drama here. Even if your DB didn't send his edict at (which I would not feel I needed to follow), your XSIL is best avoided until this blows over.

WHY? Just because there is a tumultuous relationship with one person doesn't mean that she needs to be avoided. Sounds like her brother had just as big of a role in creating drama and OP is not avoiding him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Op here,
My understanding is ex SIL has threatened legal action (restraining order? Don’t know if that’s even possible) to prevent my sister in law from attending any school events / parent-teacher conferences etc and prevent my brother from attending them on days that aren’t “his”. My brother claims she said she’d sue the school if the teacher communicates with brother’s wife. I have no idea if any of this is true. He says she has also said she will call police if they set foot on her property so that custody exchanges are done on the street / in the car. To date she has not been willing to talk to my brother’s new wife (ie no words exchanged if she does drop off / they haven’t spoken ever) but my ex SIL has a significant other who has met / gone to coffee with my brother and his wife on some occasions and (according to my brother) is approachable and reasonable. The drama!!!

Anyway, because there is a supposed threat of further legal action (my brother and his wife are considering hashing this out in court, they say) this is the grounds for their request not to see her. I have no way or knowing if they are actually considering this or just want to control how the holidays are spent. In my experience my brother and his wife are actually very rational people on all other topics, and tend to give good advice, but my ex SIl was always kind and approachable too.


1) Your ex-SIL is being totally reasonable in her request that your brother's AP/new wife not be welcome at school events or parent teacher conferences. It would be nice if she was willing to allow it, but I completely understand why she wouldn't want that woman around. She cannot, however, ban your brother from coming to school events on his non-custodial days.
2) Your ex-SIL gets to say who comes and does not come onto her property.

Look, I get contentious divorce. It sounds like ex-SIL is still very angry, but from her perspective, regardless of what she did, her husband cheated on her, impregnated his AP, and married her almost immediately. Why in the world would she want to see that woman or allow any more access to her child than she is required to by a joint custody agreement?

I agree with this. I would probably avoid seeing her because I do not like drama. It is fine though if you do see her for a cup of coffee. Your brother can not control another adult and its a rude boundary crossing behavior on his part to assume that he can dictate who you do or do not see. If you do see her though do not engage in ANY discussion regarding your brother, his new wife or the divorce. You don't want to get dragged into the middle of this.

You do not seem not a meddler but I can see your brother's concern if some other relatives are drama loving boundary crossers and would want to jump in for the fun of it. My aunt would be all over something like this. She would see as an opportunity to get one on her side and milk it for all it is worth.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she's the mother of your niece means she's going to be in your life forever. Your brother and his current wife need to get over that. It's absurd to say that your kids can't see her ever again when she's the mother of their cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’ll offer a different point of view. I think it might be better not to see her. It doesn’t sound like you two are particularly close - with the texts you describe and lack of contact. There are lots of people that it might be “nice to see” but aren’t priorities and some of those relationships fall away over the years. I don’t think it’s a great idea to go out of your way to cultivate this one. I’d say let it go. If she had been a dear, dear friend that you completely trusted and often confided in, spent weekends with, etc... maybe my feedback would be different. But a decade of knowing someone in the family isn’t necessarily a reason to stay in touch. My vote, don’t see her behind your brother’s back.

If, God forbid, OP’s brother were to pass away, OP would have to go through her former SIL in order to have any contact with her niece. That alone is reason enough to maintain a relationship with former SIL.

This happened in my family, my oldest brother and wife divorced, he died when my nephew was in middle school. It is very hard to maintain a relationship with the kids if you have no relationship with the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not see her OP. And that would just sort of happen "Oh Sara, I'm so sorry - I was really looking forward to seeing you but X came up and I'm going to have to take a raincheck. Wishing you and little Sara a fantastic holiday season. All the best, Jane."

There is a ton of drama here that you know about, so almost certainly a whole glacier's worth of additional nightmare you don't know. So just take the path of least resistance and engagement. You can always re-establish a stronger connection w/ her in the future, when there isn't as much drama - and that will be much more possible if you're not in the mix now during the ugliness.

Yeah, I agree. There is waaaay too much drama here. Even if your DB didn't send his edict at (which I would not feel I needed to follow), your XSIL is best avoided until this blows over.

WHY? Just because there is a tumultuous relationship with one person doesn't mean that she needs to be avoided. Sounds like her brother had just as big of a role in creating drama and OP is not avoiding him.

OP's brother certainly had a role in how the marriage ended but the current actions of the XSIL are taking it to a whole different level. I understand being angry and holding on to it. but the threats to take legal action to prevent new SIL from attending school events and preventing DB from attending them is over the top. She's allowing her unresolved anger to spill over and out. Personally, I strive to avoid subject myself to someone else's drama unless it's unavoidable. I don't have the energy to policy my words and thoughts when I'm with such an emotionally unstable person. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Stay away. The fact that she also won’t let your parents come to events is a clue. You say you don’t want to add to the drama but you certainly would be as your ex sil would likely bad mouth your immediate family members and your meeting with her will end badly. Your children will see your brother’s child during his time with his kid. She isn’t acting in the best interests of her kid and you aren’t going to solve this over tea. Respect your brother’s wishes here. He has the primary relationship.