Best way to handle situation with Mother in Law
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Anonymous
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We live on the East Coast. Mother in law lives in LA and so does FIL
MIL and Father in Law are divorced and FIL is remarried. They live 5 miles apart. We always stay with FIL and his wife because he has a huge house and MIL lives in an apartment with roommates. They host all the Xmas activities and MIL is always invited and comes to about half of the parties. We also take MIL out to dinner X-mad eve. We generally split our time between them. We have two young children under 4. We are traveling December 19-29 to LA. So today MIL tells me she is disappointed that she doesn’t really experience waking up with the kids with the tree in the house and all the sweet home traditions like baking, etc. She sends us a text and asks if it’s ok to come after Thanksgiving to visit us. To be honest, from now until we leave for our trip we have holiday parties, commitments, etc pretty much 3-4 times a week. The two weeks before we leave are always pretty chaotic and stressful getting ready for the holidays and our trip. I told her the best week to come is Thanksgiving week, any day since the kids have off school all week, our home will be decorated for the holidays, we have a light week because we don’t have plans and it’s basically the only time my husband isn’t dealing w an insane work schedule. He travels 3-4 days a week. She got pissed and wrote a pretty rude text back about how it’s not going to work and she wants to go on a girls weekend with her friends bc she’s stressed out. How inclined would you be to accommodate her? Btw, we are paying for her flight and always do. She’s never had to buy a ticket to see us. We have a lot more money than she does so it’s fine but I feel like she’s asking too much and not considering when it would work for us. |
Anonymous
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And also if it wasn’t clear...
she wants to come visit us like Dec 7-14, then we turn around and leave to visit her/FIL a few days later. |
Anonymous
| If she can’t come for thanksgiving, then tell her it won’t work. The world doesn’t revolve around MIL. |
Anonymous
| How much would I be inclined? Zero. It's not your job, or your kids' jobs, to fix the fact that she feels disappointed. You can sympathize with her feelings without making them your problem. You should have said no about the post-Thanksgiving visit in the first place and now she's given you the perfect reason to walk away from the topic and say "Enjoy girls' weekend; we'll see you on the 19th." That is what I'd do. |
Anonymous
| I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket. |
Anonymous
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I think you have to let her make her own choices, and you do the same for you and yours.
If you want to be an absolute, stone cold bitch, you smile, wish her safe travels on her trip with friends, and offer to pay for it. |
Anonymous
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It does seem unfortunate that your FIL gets the benefit of having the kids there for Christmas morning and your MIL always misses that. Not saying it's your fault, but it's unfortunate. Is there a time when you envision staying home for Christmas instead of traveling? I think the fact that your husband travels 3-4 days a week, which means he'll be gone half of her visit, makes this a nonstarter. Suggest that she plan to come for the week next Thanksgiving and let her know you understand that she needs the trip with her friends to de-stress (her anger may come in part from guilt over preferring to go away with her friends that weekend, so "give her permission").
Also, why are you the one corresponding with her when you have to tell her that her proposed visit is inconvenient? That should have come from her son. |
Anonymous
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I would let her come when she wants but tell her what your plans are so she’s aware. Wouldn’t change the plans, would invite her to come along if that’s possible (depending on the plan,). I think of parents/inlaws more as part of the family than true guests and they are welcome anytime.
More importantly, though, what does your husband want, since it’s his mother. |
Anonymous
I understand that is in unfortunate that she has always lived with roomates which is why I was trying to be accomodating. It's a little late in the game right now to be asking to come visit and I gave a 10 day window around 22 nov -dec 2 that would be good for us. I mean, our tree and holiday decor is up as early as now so she could have given us more dates outside of that two week window right before our trip. I think had she mentioned this even 2-3 weeks ago we could have found sometime in November for her to come. Thanksgiving is very late this year and there is basically 2 solid weeks before we leave. My husband cannot take several weeks off right now in a row, especially since he is traveling for 10 days in December for the holidays. She has less going on, so to me it makes sense that she would try to work around our schedule, which is a lot more limited with my husband's work/travel, prior commitments, the kids school/activities ESPECIALLY since we are paying and she is asking to come. It's not a matter of not getting to see the kids. She will see them days later when we are there. I go out of my way to plan things all day for the holidays so it is special for her. I got back to her b/c my DH would put it off and flights are really booking up for this time of year. |
Anonymous
| That doesn’t make sense, given your schedule. That is the price of divorce and it seems like you and DH are being more than reasonable in accommodating her. I’d just let your response stand without further comment. |
Anonymous
Yes, that is possible but my DH will likely be traveling and at meetings so it will just be me and the kids and MIL. Which is fine. But she's tough to please and it is easier with my DH there to help with her. She's not comfortable driving here so she relies on me for any plans or getting around and I am not sure she would be comfortable staying with both of my kids alone without my DH or I there. I don't work but I have a number of meetings, obligations, volunteer committees I generally do during the week. |
Anonymous
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She's making a choice not to come at Thanksgiving because she wants to travel with friend. It's not going to work for her to come in December. That's it.
She's disappointed. Try not to read too much into a text. Remember that tone is lost and easily misinterpreted. You'll see her in LA. She'll be fine. Next year, everyone can plan further out and set it up so that she comes at Thanksgiving. Move on. |
Anonymous
| I wrote back and said "I will try to accomodate you visiting in December after Thanksgiving but please give me the specific dates you have in mind" .. it's like a control thing for her. I feel like I don't know how to handle her. I told my husband to call her later. He's sort of hoping she gives up and moves on because he is worried it is just too much before we leave to try to push a visit in. |
Anonymous
I think what makes it a little more difficult is because she is single, so it's not as easy just to "not change the plans" or she is sitting at home alone, ya know? I would feel bad and I think she would be upset over it. If it was a set of grandparents coming together, I think something like this might be a little easier. |
Anonymous
| OP - I don't think THIS visit is what's important. What's important is she's telling you that you don't treat them equally. Hotel stay may be the answer. |