Best way to handle situation with Mother in Law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't think THIS visit is what's important. What's important is she's telling you that you don't treat them equally. Hotel stay may be the answer.

I just don't agree with this. We pay for her to visit 3x a year. We have paid and invited her on several family vacations, as well as pay for every outing and meal we do with her. This is not a situation at all where she babysits the kids either, it is purely for her to spend time with them.When we see her, I plan things all day with her to spend quality time with the kids. I have arranged and paid for professional photography for her and my children yearly. I feel I do a lot to show her she is important, but again, she is just the type of person no matter what you do, it isn't enough. We have also encouraged her to move near us if she wants to and helped her look for positions here but ultimately she decided against it which is fine but I think the effort was their on our part. Our kids are actually closer with her than they are with my FIL. Staying in a hotel makes no sense with two young children. In their area, that would be at least $3500 min for 10 days (wealthy area) for a basic room with double beds. Our kids are 1 and 3 and have nap schedules and we have 3 bedrooms at FIL's for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't think THIS visit is what's important. What's important is she's telling you that you don't treat them equally. Hotel stay may be the answer.

You're insane. MIL's disappointment is hers to manage. As a PP said, it is part of the cost of the divorce. Staying at FIL's is likely far more comfortable for them and far cheaper. Should they put a tree up in the hotel room for Santa? Even staying in a hotel won't assuage MIL's disappointment they aren't baking and prepping for the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much would I be inclined? Zero. It's not your job, or your kids' jobs, to fix the fact that she feels disappointed. You can sympathize with her feelings without making them your problem. You should have said no about the post-Thanksgiving visit in the first place and now she's given you the perfect reason to walk away from the topic and say "Enjoy girls' weekend; we'll see you on the 19th." That is what I'd do.

Same here. From your other posts, your MIL is more work than I'd want to take on during the time she proposes.

[Anonymous]

I agree that she is missing out. It sucks because there is not much you can do gives it would be impossible to do Christmas in her apartment if she has roommates. Could you invite her to come for easter - another holiday where the kids get up to excitement. Would you consider hosting Christmas at your house next year and inviting everyone to come to you?

I would not cave on the visits this year as you need time to do your own thing, but work with her to find a way to have her have some special time (that is done in a way that you are ok with)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is missing out. It sucks because there is not much you can do gives it would be impossible to do Christmas in her apartment if she has roommates. Could you invite her to come for easter - another holiday where the kids get up to excitement. Would you consider hosting Christmas at your house next year and inviting everyone to come to you?

I would not cave on the visits this year as you need time to do your own thing, but work with her to find a way to have her have some special time (that is done in a way that you are ok with)

We go there for Xmas because she can not travel to us Xmas week (she has a position where she has to work on either Xmas or Xmas eve every year).
Easter and Thanksgiving we have offered and those would work out great for us. I do a lot for Easter, cook a big dinner, we do brunch and a hunt with the Easter Bunny at our country club and I decorate and dress the kids up so that would be the perfect opportunity for her to get to have that special holiday time with the kids. We usually do similar traditions like baking so it would be special holiday time with grandkids. She always does a friend trip over Easter and said she will not change it. It is frustrating for me, because I do feel we give her opportunities in these other holidays and it's not what she had in mind so she is dismissive of it.

FIL hires a Santa to come on xmas eve and she is always a part of that event which we do after we go out to dinner with her. I just feel like her expectations are way out of line because she doesn't have other grandkids and her feelings are basically always hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

agree. OP, all these commitments are more important than your mother? get your priorities straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

agree. OP, all these commitments are more important than your mother? get your priorities straight.

Have you even read the thread?
I already wrote back and said to tell me the dates she wants to come. She wrote back venting about her work and never mentioned which days. We are willing to work with her but if you or your DH don't travel for work, you are ignorant to think that it's that easy. My husband is gone more than 50% of the week, she doesn't drive and she cannot be left with both kids by herself so it requires planning, communication and for us to get ready for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't think THIS visit is what's important. What's important is she's telling you that you don't treat them equally. Hotel stay may be the answer.

That’s insane.

Op has been more than accommodating to her MIL.

My parents gripe that they never got to experience the kids rushing downstairs to the tree but my wife’s parents have. That’s because my parents live 15 mins away and my ILs live in CA so when they visit, they stay with us. My mom asked us one year to make my ILs stay at a hotel so she could have the guest room instead. I just laughed and told her to stop being childish. My parents have a key and we invited them to get up early and let themselves in before anyone is up. They turned that down because “it wasn’t the same.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't think THIS visit is what's important. What's important is she's telling you that you don't treat them equally. Hotel stay may be the answer.

That’s insane.

Op has been more than accommodating to her MIL.

My parents gripe that they never got to experience the kids rushing downstairs to the tree but my wife’s parents have. That’s because my parents live 15 mins away and my ILs live in CA so when they visit, they stay with us. My mom asked us one year to make my ILs stay at a hotel so she could have the guest room instead. I just laughed and told her to stop being childish. My parents have a key and we invited them to get up early and let themselves in before anyone is up. They turned that down because “it wasn’t the same.”

See I feel this is the same situation. We ARE trying and she's looking for something to be upset about. There are some people that just won't ever be happy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they want you all to host Christmas one year? Sounds like your kids have never had Christmas at home. And then you could host them all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they want you all to host Christmas one year? Sounds like your kids have never had Christmas at home. And then you could host them all

Nope.

MIL cannot travel Xmas/Xmas eve due to work.
FIL cannot really either due to other family members visiting over xmas this week (DH's other siblings)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

Agree. Good lord, OP, your children will treat you as shitty as you treat her so be nice so your children will be nice to you when you are old and divorced.

[Anonymous]

How about you guys get an AirBnB out there so you can wake up on Christmas morning with whoever wants to be there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you guys get an AirBnB out there so you can wake up on Christmas morning with whoever wants to be there?

Would you do that? Personally spend an extra $4-5k? Also the point is that she cannot likely even stay with us. I did not want to go into go
details about it but she lives in a home for recovering drug addicts and manages them/drive them around/ helps run the house. She has to be there to drug test them 1x a day. It’s a halfway house for people who leave inpatient treatment centers and are adjusting into a residential home, which is comprised of about 6-10 people. Xmas and Xmas eve are the highest risk days for addicts to slip which is why she can’t travel to us on those days and likely cannot easily just stay with us if we did rent a hotel or airbnb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would welcome her and ask when she needs picked up at the airport and probably pay for the ticket.

Agree. Good lord, OP, your children will treat you as shitty as you treat her so be nice so your children will be nice to you when you are old and divorced.

NP here. When I’m old I would live to be treated the way way OP treats her MIL. She sounds inclusive and thoughtful. I’d even be nice about it if my DIL was willing to fly across the country with 2 young kids to visit me!

It sounds like this lady won the DIL lottery.