DH is overly defensive

[Anonymous]

I can say something innocuous, and he'll take it as if I'm judging him. I find it hard to even state my preferences now, because I know I'm going to get a defensive reply (And I mean something like "Hey would you mind running the dishwasher on gentle?" or "I really like this brand of rice better than that brand of rice"

He does the same with our kids. Especially when they ask him to do something "Please don't touch me" and then he'll get defensive and try to explain why it's ok that he touched our child on the arm at that time (Nothing inappropriate, just hormonal teen girls, who I completely support in their request to not be touched).

What do I do?

[Anonymous]

You need to bring it up to him, tell him that this greatly affects your quality of life and ability to feel free in your own home and that he needs to listen to himself, rein it in, or failing that, seek professional help.

[Anonymous]

I learned a LONG time ago.....just let him do it his way even if it's not perfect or you have to fix it. It's not worth constantly correcting him. In fact, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would start to get annoyed too. I would also constantly be on the defensive.

Also, your teenager is just that, a teen. If dad touched her on her arm to, say, correct her, and she didn't like it, that's between dad and daughter. Just because she is hormonal doesn't give her the right to be a brat.

Trust me, I have two brats right now, and it is NO FUN.
I would never take their side over their dad's... that is a recipe for disaster in both my marriage and letting my two teen girls know they can play their parents against each other.

[Anonymous]

Stop being so shrill and argumentative.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like that too. If I say something like can you take this upstairs he’ll say I only left it because...
Look, I didn’t ask why you left it downstairs, I only asked if you could help carry it up.
My theory is that he was blamed for a lot of things as a kid so I try to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Op, the fact that you think his temperament = being overly defensive MEANS you are being too bossy

for your mix of personalities

How often do this? Pay attention. Try no more than 2x a day and see if your marriage improves.

[Anonymous]

You talk about stating your preferences but what about his preferences? They matter as much as yours.

[Anonymous]

New flash: men dont like to be nagged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New flash: men dont like to be nagged

But they do like acting like complete idiots 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can say something innocuous, and he'll take it as if I'm judging him. I find it hard to even state my preferences now, because I know I'm going to get a defensive reply (And I mean something like "Hey would you mind running the dishwasher on gentle?" or "I really like this brand of rice better than that brand of rice"

He does the same with our kids. Especially when they ask him to do something "Please don't touch me" and then he'll get defensive and try to explain why it's ok that he touched our child on the arm at that time (Nothing inappropriate, just hormonal teen girls, who I completely support in their request to not be touched).

What do I do?

Lots of "innocuous" comments add up over time. Why is this so hard to understand?

It's a control thing, pure and simple. Micromanagement. My wife is like this. There's one right way to do everything, and that's her way. Yes, dear. Of course, dear. Right. Okay. Sure. Yes, right away.

And you have a preferred dishwasher cycle? Really? Your poor DH. Keep it up, though. You'll break him eventually, and then everything will be just as it should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can say something innocuous, and he'll take it as if I'm judging him. I find it hard to even state my preferences now, because I know I'm going to get a defensive reply (And I mean something like "Hey would you mind running the dishwasher on gentle?" or "I really like this brand of rice better than that brand of rice"

He does the same with our kids. Especially when they ask him to do something "Please don't touch me" and then he'll get defensive and try to explain why it's ok that he touched our child on the arm at that time (Nothing inappropriate, just hormonal teen girls, who I completely support in their request to not be touched).

What do I do?

I can't imagine you are someone with whom it's easy to live

[Anonymous]

My DH is so defensive he thinks I am blaming him if I express ANY negative sentiment at all, even if it has nothing to do with him. And he gets defensive. It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

He’s been have bad days at the office. And now you must walk on eggshells at home.

[Anonymous]

Wow. The range of responses.

First: I will always support my girls to not be touched when they don't want to be, even by their father. In no case will i back him or anybody else up who thinks they have a right to touch my girls when they don't want to be touched. Period.

My children have commented on him taking things the wrong way and assuming I was getting on him when I was not.

Do I really have a preferred dishwasher cycle? No. That was a made up example of something I thought was simple and non offensive. Clearly I was wrong.

But I will take note of asking him to do things that are unnecessary and could be done whatever way he wants. I do actually think it is both partner's responsibility to do what their partner wants. So if he wants to load the dishwasher a certain way ... I do it because I don't care. And if I want the towels folded a certain way ... I fold the towels myself because he can't seem to keep them straight. And if I want thehouse warmer I put on a sweater because he tells me I'm wrong about the house being cold.

So. I will take note of being a nag. It probably was me.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem with my DH. I can see the perspective of coming off as a nag. I try to make sure what I'm asking is important. I really can't stand cleaning up his messes. I mean if he knocks off the dirt from his shoes on the porch I just swept or takes out the trash in his socks, doesn't wipe off his feet when he comes back in dragging a ton of leaves in - I really have to say something.