DH is overly defensive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The range of responses.

First: I will always support my girls to not be touched when they don't want to be, even by their father. In no case will i back him or anybody else up who thinks they have a right to touch my girls when they don't want to be touched. Period.

My children have commented on him taking things the wrong way and assuming I was getting on him when I was not.

Do I really have a preferred dishwasher cycle? No. That was a made up example of something I thought was simple and non offensive. Clearly I was wrong.

But I will take note of asking him to do things that are unnecessary and could be done whatever way he wants. I do actually think it is both partner's responsibility to do what their partner wants. So if he wants to load the dishwasher a certain way ... I do it because I don't care. And if I want the towels folded a certain way ... I fold the towels myself because he can't seem to keep them straight. And if I want thehouse warmer I put on a sweater because he tells me I'm wrong about the house being cold.

So. I will take note of being a nag. It probably was me.

OP, don't take things personally. Your first mistake was coming here for meaningful advice. With that being said, maybe sit him down and say, "Hey, if I'm making you feel defensive, I'm sorry, that's not my intention. But I feel like we're not communicating very well right now, and I want to find a way to make things better." Hopefully he'll be amenable. If not, you can always fall back on therapy, divorce, lose weight, or have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The range of responses.

First: I will always support my girls to not be touched when they don't want to be, even by their father. In no case will i back him or anybody else up who thinks they have a right to touch my girls when they don't want to be touched. Period.

My children have commented on him taking things the wrong way and assuming I was getting on him when I was not.

Do I really have a preferred dishwasher cycle? No. That was a made up example of something I thought was simple and non offensive. Clearly I was wrong.

But I will take note of asking him to do things that are unnecessary and could be done whatever way he wants. I do actually think it is both partner's responsibility to do what their partner wants. So if he wants to load the dishwasher a certain way ... I do it because I don't care. And if I want the towels folded a certain way ... I fold the towels myself because he can't seem to keep them straight. And if I want thehouse warmer I put on a sweater because he tells me I'm wrong about the house being cold.

So. I will take note of being a nag. It probably was me.

OP, don't take things personally. Your first mistake was coming here for meaningful advice. With that being said, maybe sit him down and say, "Hey, if I'm making you feel defensive, I'm sorry, that's not my intention. But I feel like we're not communicating very well right now, and I want to find a way to make things better." Hopefully he'll be amenable. If not, you can always fall back on therapy, divorce, lose weight, or have an affair.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who tell other adults how to load the dishwasher and reasonable people.

I recognize that the dishwasher was a throw away example but your follow-up tells me that you sweat the small stuff too much.

Best kind of rice: the kind somebody buys.so you don't have to. Best way to load the dishwasher: whichever way the person who loads it sees fit.

Did you care what kind of rice you ate when you were dating? No, because you were happy to share a meal together.

[Anonymous]

When you feel every move you make is critiqued and criticized, the constant negativity leaves one feeling defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is so defensive he thinks I am blaming him if I express ANY negative sentiment at all, even if it has nothing to do with him. And he gets defensive. It is exhausting.

Sounds like Aspergers to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is so defensive he thinks I am blaming him if I express ANY negative sentiment at all, even if it has nothing to do with him. And he gets defensive. It is exhausting.

AS often manifest itself like that in older gen:

AS men in particular may find conflict almost intolerable. They may hear a difference of opinion, or an attempt to explain a different perspecitve about a situation, as conflict or a criticism of who they are.

AS individuals, because they have a hard time separating boundaries at times, may hear criticism of a family member (e.g. their father, mother, or a sibling) as a criticism of them, and they likely will not be willing to tolerate it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spectrum-solutions/201006/what-everybody-ought-know-about-aspergers-and-marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is so defensive he thinks I am blaming him if I express ANY negative sentiment at all, even if it has nothing to do with him. And he gets defensive. It is exhausting.

https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Eggshells-Confessions-Asperger-Marriage/dp/0993561349/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=walking+on+eggshells+asperger&qid=1572932955&sr=8-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is so defensive he thinks I am blaming him if I express ANY negative sentiment at all, even if it has nothing to do with him. And he gets defensive. It is exhausting.

https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Eggshells-Confessions-Asperger-Marriage/dp/0993561349/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=walking+on+eggshells+asperger&qid=1572932955&sr=8-1

My thought exactly when I first read this thread. I’m about to divorce a man with Aspergers. Living with him was exhausting, and being out with him too. I did become a “nag” after almost 10 years and nearly lost my mind and self because it was a total mindf$&k trying to understand and communicate with him. OP - if you read up on AS and it rings true fir you, do yourself a favor and accept that this is not a fixable communication problem. Divorce or accept that you will have to accommodate his disability in your marriage by totally shifting expectations.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a mom who nagged, was critical, and who thought everything had to be done her way. It makes you feel like you are constantly on the defense and you act defensive about legitimate things (your example with your daughter).

You guys need counseling. YOu need to learn to communicate better and not to nag, dh needs to learn how to be less defensive. But you need a neutral 3rd party to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned a LONG time ago.....just let him do it his way even if it's not perfect or you have to fix it. It's not worth constantly correcting him. In fact, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would start to get annoyed too. I would also constantly be on the defensive.

Also, your teenager is just that, a teen. If dad touched her on her arm to, say, correct her, and she didn't like it, that's between dad and daughter. Just because she is hormonal doesn't give her the right to be a brat.

Trust me, I have two brats right now, and it is NO FUN.
I would never take their side over their dad's... that is a recipe for disaster in both my marriage and letting my two teen girls know they can play their parents against each other.

Holy Projection Batman!

Also, it’s more than a little sad that you’re calling your daughters brats because they don’t want to be touched. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The range of responses.

First: I will always support my girls to not be touched when they don't want to be, even by their father. In no case will i back him or anybody else up who thinks they have a right to touch my girls when they don't want to be touched. Period.

My children have commented on him taking things the wrong way and assuming I was getting on him when I was not.

Do I really have a preferred dishwasher cycle? No. That was a made up example of something I thought was simple and non offensive. Clearly I was wrong.

But I will take note of asking him to do things that are unnecessary and could be done whatever way he wants. I do actually think it is both partner's responsibility to do what their partner wants. So if he wants to load the dishwasher a certain way ... I do it because I don't care. And if I want the towels folded a certain way ... I fold the towels myself because he can't seem to keep them straight. And if I want thehouse warmer I put on a sweater because he tells me I'm wrong about the house being cold.

So. I will take note of being a nag. It probably was me.

OP, don't take things personally. Your first mistake was coming here for meaningful advice. With that being said, maybe sit him down and say, "Hey, if I'm making you feel defensive, I'm sorry, that's not my intention. But I feel like we're not communicating very well right now, and I want to find a way to make things better." Hopefully he'll be amenable. If not, you can always fall back on therapy, divorce, lose weight, or have an affair.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who tell other adults how to load the dishwasher and reasonable people.

I recognize that the dishwasher was a throw away example but your follow-up tells me that you sweat the small stuff too much.

Best kind of rice: the kind somebody buys.so you don't have to. Best way to load the dishwasher: whichever way the person who loads it sees fit.

Did you care what kind of rice you ate when you were dating? No, because you were happy to share a meal together.

That you have focused on the dishwasher example is funny. I *don't* care how the dishwasher is loaded, it is DH who does and reorganizes it. I try to do it the way he wants, but regardless, he's going to reorganize it. And I don't care. He does a better job than I do. We actually don't get too focused on that. If DH has a certain way he wants things done, either I do it his way, or I don't do it at all, and leave it to him. And he the same way. For a few years I think he tried to change the way I did certain things, but eventually he gave up because he wasn't going to do them himself. So I do not think it is that. It is getting defensive over things that make no sense.

BUT, you are right, I shouldn't take any of this personally! I do like to look for the good advice amidst the calls for lose weight and to give my DH a BJ. Because sometimes there is good advice. And in the meantime, I'll watch myself and see if I am nagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is so defensive he thinks I am blaming him if I express ANY negative sentiment at all, even if it has nothing to do with him. And he gets defensive. It is exhausting.

Ditto. Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Also, you should lose weight and give your DH a BJ while you are at it. It is actually good advice.