Grandparent no-shows?

[Anonymous]

My DH travels often for work, so he misses a lot of key events. I always make it a point to include ILs and always extend an invite to them and my parents. Without fail, ILs will tell me they ‘will let me know’ and then they will call right before to cancel. I’m always left wondering, and it affects planning how much food/drink to buy, times, etc. It seems the simple fix would be, make more food and have leftovers, leave and don’t wait for them, etc. The funny thing is, they tend to not show up but expect/are hurt if they are excluded. And sometimes they do come! So it’s not as easy as to say just expect them not to come. It’s starting to really annoy me, and I’m not sure the best most logical way to handle it going forward, without letting it constantly stress me in the days and hours before an event. If you’ve dealt with this, how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH travels often for work, so he misses a lot of key events. I always make it a point to include ILs and always extend an invite to them and my parents. Without fail, ILs will tell me they ‘will let me know’ and then they will call right before to cancel. I’m always left wondering, and it affects planning how much food/drink to buy, times, etc. It seems the simple fix would be, make more food and have leftovers, leave and don’t wait for them, etc. The funny thing is, they tend to not show up but expect/are hurt if they are excluded. And sometimes they do come! So it’s not as easy as to say just expect them not to come. It’s starting to really annoy me, and I’m not sure the best most logical way to handle it going forward, without letting it constantly stress me in the days and hours before an event. If you’ve dealt with this, how do you deal?

So first it's 'without fail' they don't come, then you write that they 'tend not to show up' and then you write 'sometimes they do come!" It seems to me this is more about your hurt feelings than actually planning for them. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, if that's the case, but try to get over that by understanding that it is not about you or your kids, it's about them.

In terms of the actual planning, just tell them your plans. When they say they'll let you know, just say, "ok, please let me know by x date so I'll be sure to have enough food" or "ok, just let me know by x time, because that is when we are leaving" (so you aren't waiting for them). Again, just try to think about it practically rather than on an emotional level.

I know you'll get the opposite advice here, but I would urge you not to stop inviting them. It's an easy way to keep them happy and sometimes they do come, and that's important for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH travels often for work, so he misses a lot of key events. I always make it a point to include ILs and always extend an invite to them and my parents. Without fail, ILs will tell me they ‘will let me know’ and then they will call right before to cancel. I’m always left wondering, and it affects planning how much food/drink to buy, times, etc. It seems the simple fix would be, make more food and have leftovers, leave and don’t wait for them, etc. The funny thing is, they tend to not show up but expect/are hurt if they are excluded. And sometimes they do come! So it’s not as easy as to say just expect them not to come. It’s starting to really annoy me, and I’m not sure the best most logical way to handle it going forward, without letting it constantly stress me in the days and hours before an event. If you’ve dealt with this, how do you deal?

So first it's 'without fail' they don't come, then you write that they 'tend not to show up' and then you write 'sometimes they do come!" It seems to me this is more about your hurt feelings than actually planning for them. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, if that's the case, but try to get over that by understanding that it is not about you or your kids, it's about them.

In terms of the actual planning, just tell them your plans. When they say they'll let you know, just say, "ok, please let me know by x date so I'll be sure to have enough food" or "ok, just let me know by x time, because that is when we are leaving" (so you aren't waiting for them). Again, just try to think about it practically rather than on an emotional level.

I know you'll get the opposite advice here, but I would urge you not to stop inviting them. It's an easy way to keep them happy and sometimes they do come, and that's important for your kids.

My kids gets upset when they don’t come. I have tried not telling them I even invited, and just let their showing up be a happy surprise, but my kids get upset either way when they aren’t there. So yes, it’s emotional for me.

[Anonymous]

Well if your kids get upset when they don't come then you aren't going to stop inviting them.

You can't force them to come either. You can only extend the invitation and sometimes they will come.

Unfortunately your kids will have to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Continue to invite BUT stick to the schedule / plan that works for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Just assume they want to come and that it’s some medical problem that explains why they don’t know until the last minute if it will work. That is possible, and it will help you have a bit of sympathy rather than annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

[Anonymous]

It almost seems like weird agoraphobic attention-seeking behaviors. Like, I want them to be thinking of me all day wondering if I will come, then I say I’m not and they are then thinking of me and my absences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

I agree with this.

I am a grandparent. Although I would never do this I hear other grandparents speak of these types of things. For many, they just want to be invited. In grandparent world there can be some intense turf wars. It causes grandparents to play games like this. How easily they forget what it is to have young children.

Busy stressed out young parents need to set boundaries. As a side, I think this behavior is more common in mothers of boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

I agree with this.

I am a grandparent. Although I would never do this I hear other grandparents speak of these types of things. For many, they just want to be invited. In grandparent world there can be some intense turf wars. It causes grandparents to play games like this. How easily they forget what it is to have young children.

Busy stressed out young parents need to set boundaries. As a side, I think this behavior is more common in mothers of boys.

I have to agree. If I invite both sets of grandparents to Larlo’s t-ball game, my mom has no issues at all saying, I have no interest in sitting out in the sun watching his games, but I’ll gladly take him out for ice cream on Tuesday. My MIL on the other hand, will insist on coming, then complain about the heat the whole time, fanning herself wildly. And if you dare not invite her the next time, you’ll hear all about how hurt she is she wasn’t able to attend.

It’s really bizarre.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can’t control other adults lives. Stop inviting them then you won’t be disappointed. If they are interested in going to any kid activities they will ask for the kids schedule. Don’t put grandparents in a position to have to uncomfortably decline invites. They will be as annoyed as you. Win, win for everyone,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I know you'll get the opposite advice here, but I would urge you not to stop inviting them. It's an easy way to keep them happy and sometimes they do come, and that's important for your kids.

My kids gets upset when they don’t come. I have tried not telling them I even invited, and just let their showing up be a happy surprise, but my kids get upset either way when they aren’t there. So yes, it’s emotional for me.

It's unfortunate that your kids get upset, but before the event, I would say something like "Grandma probably won't be able to make it" and if they don't come, follow that up with "Grandma wasn't able to make it." Yes, it's upsetting, but they'll learn over time and manage their expectations better. Sounds like they'd be upset regardless. I used to have an uncle who always said he was going to give me this or that and I remember getting upset when it didn't materialize, but eventually I learned that Uncle R was just teasing when he said those things (I mean, in reality, Uncle R probably did think he was going to get me this or that thing but for whatever reason there was no follow through, and that's what I learned). I was disappointed, but not permanently damaged. It's just a sad lesson of life that sometimes people don't show up. And, they aren't lying. It sounds like they are waiting to see if they feel up for the event and decide shortly before it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH travels often for work, so he misses a lot of key events. I always make it a point to include ILs and always extend an invite to them and my parents. Without fail, ILs will tell me they ‘will let me know’ and then they will call right before to cancel. I’m always left wondering, and it affects planning how much food/drink to buy, times, etc. It seems the simple fix would be, make more food and have leftovers, leave and don’t wait for them, etc. The funny thing is, they tend to not show up but expect/are hurt if they are excluded. And sometimes they do come! So it’s not as easy as to say just expect them not to come. It’s starting to really annoy me, and I’m not sure the best most logical way to handle it going forward, without letting it constantly stress me in the days and hours before an event. If you’ve dealt with this, how do you deal?

So first it's 'without fail' they don't come, then you write that they 'tend not to show up' and then you write 'sometimes they do come!" It seems to me this is more about your hurt feelings than actually planning for them. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, if that's the case, but try to get over that by understanding that it is not about you or your kids, it's about them.

In terms of the actual planning, just tell them your plans. When they say they'll let you know, just say, "ok, please let me know by x date so I'll be sure to have enough food" or "ok, just let me know by x time, because that is when we are leaving" (so you aren't waiting for them). Again, just try to think about it practically rather than on an emotional level.

I know you'll get the opposite advice here, but I would urge you not to stop inviting them. It's an easy way to keep them happy and sometimes they do come, and that's important for your kids.

My kids gets upset when they don’t come. I have tried not telling them I even invited, and just let their showing up be a happy surprise, but my kids get upset either way when they aren’t there. So yes, it’s emotional for me.

Oh give me a break! Your kids are upset because you have trained them to be upset. My siblings and I played on 7 different sports teams at the same time and we never were upset about who attended. Actually never thought about it. Why? My parents never made it an issue! We were more into our team & friends than worrying about who was siting in the stands.

[Anonymous]

Set a hard stop on the date/time that you need to prepare. Give courtesy advisement to grandparents. If they have not confirmed, don’t plan for them. If they show up and there isn’t enough food, no one will die of starvation. Sure, maybe a bit awkward but a passive aggressive lesson learned. Older people get, the more comfortable in their ways. Sometimes you have to shake things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t control other adults lives. Stop inviting them then you won’t be disappointed. If they are interested in going to any kid activities they will ask for the kids schedule. Don’t put grandparents in a position to have to uncomfortably decline invites. They will be as annoyed as you. Win, win for everyone,

I have yet to meet a grandparent that did not want an invitation to something for their grandchild.