Grandparent no-shows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

This. "Be more selective". That's about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH travels often for work, so he misses a lot of key events. I always make it a point to include ILs and always extend an invite to them and my parents. Without fail, ILs will tell me they ‘will let me know’ and then they will call right before to cancel. I’m always left wondering, and it affects planning how much food/drink to buy, times, etc. It seems the simple fix would be, make more food and have leftovers, leave and don’t wait for them, etc. The funny thing is, they tend to not show up but expect/are hurt if they are excluded. And sometimes they do come! So it’s not as easy as to say just expect them not to come. It’s starting to really annoy me, and I’m not sure the best most logical way to handle it going forward, without letting it constantly stress me in the days and hours before an event. If you’ve dealt with this, how do you deal?

So first it's 'without fail' they don't come, then you write that they 'tend not to show up' and then you write 'sometimes they do come!" It seems to me this is more about your hurt feelings than actually planning for them. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, if that's the case, but try to get over that by understanding that it is not about you or your kids, it's about them.

In terms of the actual planning, just tell them your plans. When they say they'll let you know, just say, "ok, please let me know by x date so I'll be sure to have enough food" or "ok, just let me know by x time, because that is when we are leaving" (so you aren't waiting for them). Again, just try to think about it practically rather than on an emotional level.

I know you'll get the opposite advice here, but I would urge you not to stop inviting them. It's an easy way to keep them happy and sometimes they do come, and that's important for your kids.

My kids gets upset when they don’t come. I have tried not telling them I even invited, and just let their showing up be a happy surprise, but my kids get upset either way when they aren’t there. So yes, it’s emotional for me.

Oh give me a break! Your kids are upset because you have trained them to be upset. My siblings and I played on 7 different sports teams at the same time and we never were upset about who attended. Actually never thought about it. Why? My parents never made it an issue! We were more into our team & friends than worrying about who was siting in the stands.

+1 OP if your kids were upset because you were hyping up that Grandma and Grandpa are coming and then they don't show - that makes sense. But if they get upset every time they have an event and their grandparents aren't there, whether or not they've been told they were even invited, that means one of two things. Either 1) grandma and grandpa come to SO MANY THINGS that their absence is shocking (and you say this is not the case), or 2) you're making a big deal out of this and they're picking up on it.

I have no idea what you're calling a "key event" but having either mom or dad present at an event is plenty for most kids. This doesn't have to be a big dramatic problem in your life. Invite them and ask for an RSVP by X date.

[Anonymous]

My dad often says he is coming and then doesn't- sometimes he will let me know Day of, sometimes he just won't show up and I'll call and wake him up from a nap. Oh well. I don't get offended. He means well but it is just how he is. He never lets on if I offend him in any way and doesn't play mind games and manipulation like another parent does. I'll take random no shows any day over the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

It isn't rude. You need to understand that older people sometimes just don't feel like doing something. Lordy, I have reached the mid-century mark and sometimes I just feel tired and just want to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

It isn't rude. You need to understand that older people sometimes just don't feel like doing something. Lordy, I have reached the mid-century mark and sometimes I just feel tired and just want to stay home.

It’s rude to let people who are planning dinner and logistics know just hours before, that you won’t be coming.

[Anonymous]

Please clarify: What are these events? An elementary aged random soccer game or once a year ballet recital where tickets need to be purchased ? I also don't understand why meal planning is involved. Give the Grands the soccer schedule and say "I hope you can come to a game this season." When your DH is away, I would try to kessen your load. Keep it simple.

[Anonymous]

What are these key events that you need to provide food for? Invite them to games, school concerts, recitals - but honestly none of those require you to host or offer refreshments. So I’m a bit confused. And on the more rare occasions that you do provide a dinner, just ask in advance for a definitive rsvp and explain that you are providing food and need a head count. But that shouldn’t be too often, you don’t need food or a party every time a kid event occurs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

It isn't rude. You need to understand that older people sometimes just don't feel like doing something. Lordy, I have reached the mid-century mark and sometimes I just feel tired and just want to stay home.

Wait, what? We are considered older at 50? LOL. I think older in this area has to be 60+. We still have kids in elementary school!

[Anonymous]

OMG, duh, stop issuing open invitations, and start setting some boundaries from the begging:

"If you can't confirm your attendance by Thursday at 5, I'm afraid I won't have enough food for you, as I'm putting the grocery order in at that time. So if you end up coming, you'll need to bring your own dinner."

"If you can't confirm your attendance by Thursday at 5, I won't order a movie ticket for you. If you decide to come after that time, you'll need to secure your own ticket."

[Anonymous]

I would not worry that they get upset about being invited less. If they pout just say look you declined at the last minute the last three times and I wound up with lots of extra food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, it's so rude of them. That would stress me out to no end.

I would not invite them to events where you know you'll be more stressed out than usual, and keep inviting them to events where you won't care whether they show up or not. Be more selective.

It isn't rude. You need to understand that older people sometimes just don't feel like doing something. Lordy, I have reached the mid-century mark and sometimes I just feel tired and just want to stay home.

Wait, what? We are considered older at 50? LOL. I think older in this area has to be 60+. We still have kids in elementary school!

Nevertheless. You are still older.

[Anonymous]

Why are your kids so upset if they don’t come? My grandmothers never once came to a single thing of mine and it never occurred to me to be upset about that. You need to teach your kids that the world doesn’t revolve around them and even though their activity is super fun and exciting for them, it’s super boring, or seating is uncomfortable, or parking is a hassle etc for adults and adults don’t find the same joy in soccer games (or whatever) as kids do.

[Anonymous]

OP - could it be possible that it's medical or an issue with driving? Maybe they run to the bathroom more than you realize. Maybe there is something about being away from their home that causes them discomfort. Who knows? It might be private. They may not want to mention it.

I would work to think the best of people. That's more important than the inconvenience of having left-overs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH travels often for work, so he misses a lot of key events. I always make it a point to include ILs and always extend an invite to them and my parents. Without fail, ILs will tell me they ‘will let me know’ and then they will call right before to cancel. I’m always left wondering, and it affects planning how much food/drink to buy, times, etc. It seems the simple fix would be, make more food and have leftovers, leave and don’t wait for them, etc. The funny thing is, they tend to not show up but expect/are hurt if they are excluded. And sometimes they do come! So it’s not as easy as to say just expect them not to come. It’s starting to really annoy me, and I’m not sure the best most logical way to handle it going forward, without letting it constantly stress me in the days and hours before an event. If you’ve dealt with this, how do you deal?

So first it's 'without fail' they don't come, then you write that they 'tend not to show up' and then you write 'sometimes they do come!" It seems to me this is more about your hurt feelings than actually planning for them. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, if that's the case, but try to get over that by understanding that it is not about you or your kids, it's about them.

In terms of the actual planning, just tell them your plans. When they say they'll let you know, just say, "ok, please let me know by x date so I'll be sure to have enough food" or "ok, just let me know by x time, because that is when we are leaving" (so you aren't waiting for them). Again, just try to think about it practically rather than on an emotional level.

I know you'll get the opposite advice here, but I would urge you not to stop inviting them. It's an easy way to keep them happy and sometimes they do come, and that's important for your kids.

My kids gets upset when they don’t come. I have tried not telling them I even invited, and just let their showing up be a happy surprise, but my kids get upset either way when they aren’t there. So yes, it’s emotional for me.

Oh give me a break! Your kids are upset because you have trained them to be upset. My siblings and I played on 7 different sports teams at the same time and we never were upset about who attended. Actually never thought about it. Why? My parents never made it an issue! We were more into our team & friends than worrying about who was siting in the stands.

+1 OP if your kids were upset because you were hyping up that Grandma and Grandpa are coming and then they don't show - that makes sense. But if they get upset every time they have an event and their grandparents aren't there, whether or not they've been told they were even invited, that means one of two things. Either 1) grandma and grandpa come to SO MANY THINGS that their absence is shocking (and you say this is not the case), or 2) you're making a big deal out of this and they're picking up on it.

I have no idea what you're calling a "key event" but having either mom or dad present at an event is plenty for most kids. This doesn't have to be a big dramatic problem in your life. Invite them and ask for an RSVP by X date.

This isn’t necessarily OP’s fault. If one set of grandparents comes to events regularly, it makes it noticeable that the other set doesn’t. My mom’s parents showed up at key events, but my dad’s mom infrequently attended and his dad never came to stuff for me and my sister. On the other hand, my dad’s parents (divorced) would frequently go to my cousins’ events. Sometimes I’d happen to be there too because I was close in age, sometimes as a participant and sometimes to support my cousins. Once I was participating and I saw my grandpa there and I got excited, thinking he came to cheer me on. He seemed surprised to see me and even said that he didn’t know I’d be here. He left after my cousin performed and didn’t stay to see me. My parents didn’t need to say anything for me to see the difference. Kids aren’t blind. Some kids care, some don’t. If you care who’s there, it’s upsetting when someone who implies that they think you’re important doesn’t show up.

[Anonymous]

OP, invite them and if they say they're coming and don't show up, have the affected child(ren) call the grandparents after the event and tell them how much they were missed. Do that every single time. Let them answer for their rudeness.