culteral difference with wife??

[Anonymous]

background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

[Anonymous]

OP here: additional background.

Not a mail order bride. She graduated university in the US. Her mom and dad live in the US. Her English is fine. We dated while in college and married after she graduated.

[Anonymous]

Was she born in the US or China? If in China, is she now a US citizen?

Some customs and traditions from our home countries are nice to hold on to, but some grow and change when we live in a country with different customs. It seems that she knew when she married you that you are not Chinese and might have different customs.

[Anonymous]

I think she is screwing you.

-Far East Asian guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

More importantly why haven't you combined finances. Married couples both names on house, both names on cars, both names on bank accounts. Unless there is one person who has a gambling addiction or major debt before marriage why don't you trust enough to share? And no "wife account" is not cultural.

[Anonymous]

You should have at least added her name to the house

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do anything financially until you understand her perfectly and clearly

[Anonymous]

1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

Sounds like you guy have your exit strategies all mapped out. Sorry I don't see this ending in any way but divorce. Hope you don't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

yes, there was a prenup.
Also, if I was a woman I'm sure everyone on here would be saying that I was smart for keeping my premarital assets safe.

This it so very off topic. What I want to understand is what is going on that would cause someone to think they get to be given hundreds of thousands of dollars in a "wife" account?
Don't you guys see the contradiction between telling me I should give her the house I bought before marriage and because everything in a marriage is shared and not calling out the notion of a "wife" account?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have at least added her name to the house

+1 When I got together with DH, he already had a vacation house. When we got married, he added me to the title. And I am not Chinese (I'm Korean).

But the "cash in the bank" thing is a no. If she wanted a traditional Chinese marriage, then she should've married a man who follows that tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

Disagree. A married couple can determine however they want how to allocate their money. There is no one correct way. My husband and I keep separate accounts worth 7 figures each from money we earned separately. Houses are joint though since bought after marriage. Husband owned another home before I met him and we lived there 6 years before he sold it. I had no desire to be added as an owner to that home as I did not buy it or ever felt entitled to it.
We are beneficiaries on each other accounts. Always worked great for us. Happily married now 25 yrs.

[Anonymous]

It still exists but few Chinese people (in China) still follow these sorts of customs. And Chinese-Americans, most definitely not. If she grew up in the US, then she's completely bullshitting you. If she came here as an adult, then she must have enough familiarity with American customs to know that what she's proposing is not the norm here and it's unreasonable for her to expect it.

If she wants her name on the house, then she has to contribute to the mortgage and upkeep. If you want her to contribute financially, then her name should be on the house.


-Chinese-American

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

yes, there was a prenup.
Also, if I was a woman I'm sure everyone on here would be saying that I was smart for keeping my premarital assets safe.

This it so very off topic. What I want to understand is what is going on that would cause someone to think they get to be given hundreds of thousands of dollars in a "wife" account?
Don't you guys see the contradiction between telling me I should give her the house I bought before marriage and because everything in a marriage is shared and not calling out the notion of a "wife" account?

I don’t think you have to do anything. If she’s been hanging out with new friends, they got nosy and judgmental to the point that she’s feeling insecure. My sister-in-law is Asian and her mom is very blunt and won’t let things go.

You can’t prevent your wife from bringing this subject up; you can control the way you react to it. Try reflective listening when she brings it up the next time. If getting her name on the house, you could re-negotiate the pre-nup. If you’re not willing, she needs to let it go or you just don’t have a reaction when she brings it up. This seems like an issue that might just simmer and derail the marriage. That would be sad. It’s just a house.