culteral difference with wife??

[Anonymous]

Wait didn’t you post something similar a month ago? I think your wife is playing you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

yes, there was a prenup.
Also, if I was a woman I'm sure everyone on here would be saying that I was smart for keeping my premarital assets safe.

This it so very off topic. What I want to understand is what is going on that would cause someone to think they get to be given hundreds of thousands of dollars in a "wife" account?
Don't you guys see the contradiction between telling me I should give her the house I bought before marriage and because everything in a marriage is shared and not calling out the notion of a "wife" account?

I knew you would get to if "I were a woman"..... This will end in divorce. Our thoughts are not just because you are "the man". In my post I called out both, read much in stead of being a control freak..

[Anonymous]

The problems started when you guys didn't contribute to the household jointly. I'm Asian-American (not Chinese though) and my DH and I share all bank accounts and everything comes out of those shared accounts. Did you guys not talk about this before you were married? How are expenses split?

[Anonymous]

I understand that she may want something tangible and is suggesting alternatives to joint ownership since you don't seem to want to co-own the house with her.

Ideally, you would have a joint account and be joint owners of the house.

For example, since I stay home and look after the house and children, my husband pays for the mortgage, BUT both our names are on the title. We have separate retirement accounts. I started mine when I was working, and DH has contributed money to it ever since. That kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

More importantly why haven't you combined finances. Married couples both names on house, both names on cars, both names on bank accounts. Unless there is one person who has a gambling addiction or major debt before marriage why don't you trust enough to share? And no "wife account" is not cultural

You should add her to mortgage or sell your place and buy something together.

[Anonymous]

Few seem to be answering your actual question. Yes, there is a dowry custom in China, but it's phasing out. Either the parents of the groom or the groom will be the ones providing it. It's also a reason there are many unmarried men in China -- a combination of too many men due to the past 1-child policy (selective abortion), and how men feel they need to have a bunch of assets as the dowry before they are eligible bachelors.

But.. you're in America, and she's in America, and she's lived here long enough to know that dowries are generally not done here. Even in China, I haven't heard of this wife bank account thing. She's hanging around with the wrong type of people.. recent immigrants perhaps?

My parents are mixed culture -- mother grew up in another Asian country, where the bride's parents typically pay a dowry. She moved to the US in her 20's. They still paid a dowry but in a different way -- the dowry was gold jewelry to be worn by my mother. So it was given to my father (I guess to his parents actually) as is custom, who then turned around and gave it to her.

[Anonymous]

Yes in my experience, Chinese culture expect a men to be a provider.

I grew up in a Chinese family in an Asian country. This is the expectation. The son will inherit significantly more than daughter due to this reason so he can provide and give dowry to his wife.

The daughters are expect to be be able to support themselves or smart enough to find a man who is a good provider.

Not that I agree with this value but it is what it is.
FYI I am a daughter. I get how your wife feels but I am not sure how relevant it is because she was born and raised in US.

[Anonymous]

So I am chinese actually from Asia and it’s bs that she gets a wife account. Traditionally in Japanese and korean culture the man hands over the paycheck to the wife and gets an allowance while she handles the household budget but there is nowhere near what your wife is describing. As for the dowry it’s paid to the parents traditionally, she gets no part of it and that should have been done when you guys were discussing marriage. In these modern times it’s more of a token, the dowry is then given back to the couple to help set them up. Too bad that ship has sailed. Seems like she is taking you for a ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she is screwing you.

-Far East Asian guy

screwing someone else.
The Chinese are skittish. Men Divorce as soon as kids are born & then they're onto the next leaving the wife with nothing. It's basically insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

yes, there was a prenup.
Also, if I was a woman I'm sure everyone on here would be saying that I was smart for keeping my premarital assets safe.

This it so very off topic. What I want to understand is what is going on that would cause someone to think they get to be given hundreds of thousands of dollars in a "wife" account?
Don't you guys see the contradiction between telling me I should give her the house I bought before marriage and because everything in a marriage is shared and not calling out the notion of a "wife" account?

You’re the o e who doesn’t get it. If you had combined assets when you married, then a wife account wouldn’t make sense. Since your assets are separate and you even have a prenup, a wife account makes sense. Your assets are separate and it seems like you’re the higher earning spouse. A wife account is a tangible way to show your wife what she means to you.

You can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Disagree on putting her name on the house. It's a premarital asset as OP says.

But both OP and his wife's paycheck is joint property and wife should be sharing.

I'm a DW of 21 years, and inherited my dad's house and it's separate property and my DH is fine with that. It actually works out better because his parents are needy (due to financial carelessness, not health reasons) and it keeps my separate property out of the mix. I want to make sure our DC's get that house!

[Anonymous]

You’re going to have to go along with this or get divorced.

You’re call what you want to do but that’s the facts.

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:I think she is screwing you.

-Far East Asian guy

- A white guy that has lived in 5 countries throughout Asia for ~15 years...

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, who cares? This isn't China. My answer would be "No" - and if she doesn't like it then "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, who cares? This isn't China. My answer would be "No" - and if she doesn't like it then "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

To be fair, just because it's not China doesn't mean Chinese Americans can't follow their customs, BUT if she wanted a traditional Chinese man, she should've married one, or at the least, discussed this before marriage. She's doing a bait and switch. She obviously signed the pre-nup, so, she agreed to whatever financial terms were on there.

-signed a Korean American woman