culteral difference with wife??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have at least added her name to the house

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

This sh*t works in china where the woman likely doesn't work, there are no laws around marital property and 50/50 split that happens here in the US if there's a divorce, etc. The wife account and wife property are cultural things put in place to protect the wife if the husband dies and there are competing claims on his property (from other wives/girlfriends/parents/siblings) or if the husband decides to quit the marriage and move on with someone else.

If you do give her a wife account and wife property despite the fact that she works and suppose you get divorced, you'll get screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

While I understand you feel that the house is yours. If you both are living in it you both should be contributing. It's a huge red flag for both of you. In a marriage it should not be my money and his money. She should not have her income in only her account either.

By the way you don't get to decide what she get's in the divorce unless there was a prenup. Judge decides. Given you have gone into the marriage with those thoughts, good luck.

yes, there was a prenup.
Also, if I was a woman I'm sure everyone on here would be saying that I was smart for keeping my premarital assets safe.

This it so very off topic. What I want to understand is what is going on that would cause someone to think they get to be given hundreds of thousands of dollars in a "wife" account?
Don't you guys see the contradiction between telling me I should give her the house I bought before marriage and because everything in a marriage is shared and not calling out the notion of a "wife" account?

You’re the o e who doesn’t get it. If you had combined assets when you married, then a wife account wouldn’t make sense. Since your assets are separate and you even have a prenup, a wife account makes sense. Your assets are separate and it seems like you’re the higher earning spouse. A wife account is a tangible way to show your wife what she means to you.

You can’t have it both ways.

Bullshit. The house is his. She keeps her money separate and doesn't pay living expenses ... no way I'd put MY house in HER name. or HIS. Bull.Shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problems started when you guys didn't contribute to the household jointly. I'm Asian-American (not Chinese though) and my DH and I share all bank accounts and everything comes out of those shared accounts. Did you guys not talk about this before you were married? How are expenses split?

She said that she didn't want a joint account after we got married.
I pay all the expenses. She says its the mans job to pay expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problems started when you guys didn't contribute to the household jointly. I'm Asian-American (not Chinese though) and my DH and I share all bank accounts and everything comes out of those shared accounts. Did you guys not talk about this before you were married? How are expenses split?

She said that she didn't want a joint account after we got married.
I pay all the expenses. She says its the mans job to pay expenses.

So if she goes grocery shopping, you reimburse her? How far does this go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problems started when you guys didn't contribute to the household jointly. I'm Asian-American (not Chinese though) and my DH and I share all bank accounts and everything comes out of those shared accounts. Did you guys not talk about this before you were married? How are expenses split?

She said that she didn't want a joint account after we got married.
I pay all the expenses. She says its the mans job to pay expenses.

She sounds like an entitled piece of work. I'm struggling to see what is appealing about being married to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, who cares? This isn't China. My answer would be "No" - and if she doesn't like it then "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

agreed. you don't need to comply with these absurd customs - start looking for a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

She's a golddigger who is taking you for a ride.

[Anonymous]

In the United States there are laws to protect her interests at the dissolution of the marriage, they apparently don’t have that where she comes from so if I were you I would assure her that by law there has to be an equitable split of acquired assets.

By the way, this chick ain’t a partner – she’s only out for herself and you don’t sound so great either. Do not impregnate her and I suggest you start formulating an exit plan from this.

[Anonymous]

If this is true (which I hope not), this has nothing to do with cultural differences. Unless you found her deeeeeeeep in rural area of china, she is after your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have at least added her name to the house

+1 When I got together with DH, he already had a vacation house. When we got married, he added me to the title. And I am not Chinese (I'm Korean).

But the "cash in the bank" thing is a no. If she wanted a traditional Chinese marriage, then she should've married a man who follows that tradition.

+1

[Anonymous]

Divorce her, dude. Red flags galore. My wife and I keep separate finances but we also contribute equally to the household - paid equally into the down payment for our house, split childcare/mortgage payment/other expenses, etc. I pay my student loans out of my own paycheck, wife does her clothing shopping out of her paycheck.

Do not sleep with her without a condom. Do not knock her up, she will use the kid as an excuse to take everything from you.

The only way this can be salvaged is if you both agree to share expenses from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problems started when you guys didn't contribute to the household jointly. I'm Asian-American (not Chinese though) and my DH and I share all bank accounts and everything comes out of those shared accounts. Did you guys not talk about this before you were married? How are expenses split?

She said that she didn't want a joint account after we got married.
I pay all the expenses. She says its the mans job to pay expenses.

So you knew this going in ... Why did you marry her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree on putting her name on the house. It's a premarital asset as OP says.

But both OP and his wife's paycheck is joint property and wife should be sharing.

I'm a DW of 21 years, and inherited my dad's house and it's separate property and my DH is fine with that. It actually works out better because his parents are needy (due to financial carelessness, not health reasons) and it keeps my separate property out of the mix. I want to make sure our DC's get that house!

OP needs to check state law on the bolded. My DH owned a house before we got engaged. We lived in it together for the first two years or so we were married, but never got around to putting my name on the title. We found out later that under state law (not in the DMV), that didn't matter. Because the house was our marital residence, it was considered marital property even though DH had owned it prior to the marriage, and he couldn't refinance the mortgage or sell the house without my signature. We don't have a prenup...I'm not sure whether or not that would have made a difference but for his own protection that's something OP should look into.

I know nothing about Chinese culture or what OPs wife is thinking, but she's lived here long enough to know about American customs and to realize that if she wanted a more traditional Chinese marriage, she should have dated/married a man also interested in that.

[Anonymous]

I'm white (though not born in US), married to a Taiwanese guy.

I'm wondering if she's feeling insecure in the marriage and this is her way of getting attention. Or if she feels slighted or taken advantage of in other ways, and this is her way of settling the score. As someone who grew up in the U.S., she must realize that your marriage isn't going to follow traditional Chinese customs. Does she behave as a traditional Chinese wife, and that's what's prompting her to make these demands? And are you very wealthy, and is that why she married you?

I know that it's typical in Taiwanese couples for the woman to control the finances, regardless of whether she works outside the home, and for her to limit spending. But again, when a person marries outside the culture, he/she can't expect same.

In sum, I think this is just the excuse, and something else is bothering her. How you respond is key. I don't mean you should give in, but you should be careful and treat her well but firmly state why it's a no-go.