DH with anxiety uses me as his crutch

[Anonymous]

DH has fairly severe GAD. He refuses to go on meds because he tried them once and he says they didn't do anything and made him feel foggy. The way he copes is basically to dump it all on me -- whenever he gets an anxiety attack (it's usually work related) he wants me to come and reassure him or talk him through it or go over whatever it was over and over (I think he has some obsessive compulsive tendencies too). He rants and raves for a good while, then it seems to blow over. This happens like once or twice a week at the worst times, maybe once every couple weeks when it's not so bad. I am not a fan of this "coping mechanism". It completely stresses me out, the kids seem this rather unhealthy behavior, and when he's anxious about work, he completely drops whatever attention he may have been paying to his parenting and house responsibilities, so I have to do it in addition to soothing him.

I don't want to keep doing this. He says talking to me "is the only thing that helps" but I really resent it. I think it's unfair to me to keep getting dumped on, I feel like his live-in therapist, not his wife. Furthermore, it makes me not like him at all -- whenever I see his number come up on my phone, I think "oh what now..." not, oh I'm happy to talk to my husband...I walk around on eggshells waiting for the next "episode". Whenever I bring this up, he accuses me of being unsupportive. Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

You are not being unreasonable. Dh needs to see a therapist to learn how to self manage his anxiety. I also don't like meds and have worked very hard to learn to manage my anxiety without them. If he won't go alone, make an appt for yourself to learn how to set boundaries and then bring him into your sessions.

[Anonymous]

Not at all unreasonable, and a very unhealthy relationship dynamic to model for your kids.

[Anonymous]

I am right there with you, but with a relatively new girlfriend. She freaks out about 2X a week, usually by announcing, "I have anxiety" and it's putting me on edge as it's usually followed by baseless fear that I am upset with her about something (when I'm not, at all -- sometimes she concludes this from afar because I didn't text that morning or something). Honestly, it's a red flag and the irony is the frequency with which this happens is irritating and IS going to cause problems. I know she cannot help it, but it's no fun to be on the other end of it, either.

[Anonymous]

I'm an anxious person who has learned to self-manage without medication. Can't imagine expecting my spouse to fix this for me! Sorry, OP! This sucks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am right there with you, but with a relatively new girlfriend. She freaks out about 2X a week, usually by announcing, "I have anxiety" and it's putting me on edge as it's usually followed by baseless fear that I am upset with her about something (when I'm not, at all -- sometimes she concludes this from afar because I didn't text that morning or something). Honestly, it's a red flag and the irony is the frequency with which this happens is irritating and IS going to cause problems. I know she cannot help it, but it's no fun to be on the other end of it, either.

I would run. Get out now, while you can.

[Anonymous]

You can urge him to get counseling for his anxiety but that may not work. What you can do, and it will work beautifully, is get your own counseling and figure out how to set boundaries.

You can't demand someone change their behavior but you can change yours. Once you learn the way to set those boundaries you will not be dumped on any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am right there with you, but with a relatively new girlfriend. She freaks out about 2X a week, usually by announcing, "I have anxiety" and it's putting me on edge as it's usually followed by baseless fear that I am upset with her about something (when I'm not, at all -- sometimes she concludes this from afar because I didn't text that morning or something). Honestly, it's a red flag and the irony is the frequency with which this happens is irritating and IS going to cause problems. I know she cannot help it, but it's no fun to be on the other end of it, either.

And do you seriously think this will get better? Do you think having a mortgage together, negotiating inlaws together, having kids together is LESS stressful and anxiety producing then your lives right now?

Dude, this is the BEST it will ever be. EVER. If it's not mind blowingly fantastic then get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am right there with you, but with a relatively new girlfriend. She freaks out about 2X a week, usually by announcing, "I have anxiety" and it's putting me on edge as it's usually followed by baseless fear that I am upset with her about something (when I'm not, at all -- sometimes she concludes this from afar because I didn't text that morning or something). Honestly, it's a red flag and the irony is the frequency with which this happens is irritating and IS going to cause problems. I know she cannot help it, but it's no fun to be on the other end of it, either.

And do you seriously think this will get better? Do you think having a mortgage together, negotiating inlaws together, having kids together is LESS stressful and anxiety producing then your lives right now?

Dude, this is the BEST it will ever be. EVER. If it's not mind blowingly fantastic then get out now.

Yes.

I had a relationship with someone like this. It was like being a toilet that they dumped everything into the moment anything went wrong. Heck, just to unload from the day.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say I’m in the same boat and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Similar here, except partner has depression. It's a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say I’m in the same boat and it sucks.

OP: How do you deal? I'm not sure what to do. I went along with it for a long time thinking this is what supportive spouses do, but now it's clear that there is no end in sight and DH has no intention of changing this dynamic. I suppose I'll look into therapy myself to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I've been there. I told DH that it wasn't fair to either of us for him to have me as his only coping mechanism for his anxiety. In making him feel better, I felt worse. It wasn't good for our marriage. And I made it clear that it wasn't fair to him - I'm not a doctor or a therapist. I was at best giving him terrible medical advice and he deserved real treatment.

It got better but not without a lot of fights. I told him to be a grown up and figure himself out because I could not do that for him and expect to have a relationship with him worth having. He's now exercising more and has new medication. He still slides into it some times but I remind him that I'm not his doctor, I'm his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say I’m in the same boat and it sucks.

OP: How do you deal? I'm not sure what to do. I went along with it for a long time thinking this is what supportive spouses do, but now it's clear that there is no end in sight and DH has no intention of changing this dynamic. I suppose I'll look into therapy myself to deal with it.

Op, as someone with anxiety that sometimes needs to vent to their spouse.....I doubt you can change your spouse. I like to discuss decisions and get feedback and support. Is there a way you can lend an ear and internally emotionally distance yourself somewhat while outwardly being compassionate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say I’m in the same boat and it sucks.

OP: How do you deal? I'm not sure what to do. I went along with it for a long time thinking this is what supportive spouses do, but now it's clear that there is no end in sight and DH has no intention of changing this dynamic. I suppose I'll look into therapy myself to deal with it.

Op, as someone with anxiety that sometimes needs to vent to their spouse.....I doubt you can change your spouse. I like to discuss decisions and get feedback and support. Is there a way you can lend an ear and internally emotionally distance yourself somewhat while outwardly being compassionate?

Same poster here. Just re read your post. Probably the dropping of household responsibilities is the most annoying aspect, no? I don’t really do that, I don’t think. In fact I think focusing on household tasks can be a way to distract me from my anxiety. Maybe you should focus on that aspect of it because it is concrete. He probably can’t turn off his anxiety and need to vent, but he should be able to put a load of laundry in while he is venting.