DH with anxiety uses me as his crutch

[Anonymous]

Would he be open to any evidence-based non-medication treatment, like cognitive behavioral therapy for GAD? An experienced clinician can teach him techniques for managing it on his own.

[Anonymous]

Hit post too soon. So, perhaps be sympathetic and listen to his anxiety, but point out that you still need him to function as a responsible adult and get his share of the tasks done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say I’m in the same boat and it sucks.

OP: How do you deal? I'm not sure what to do. I went along with it for a long time thinking this is what supportive spouses do, but now it's clear that there is no end in sight and DH has no intention of changing this dynamic. I suppose I'll look into therapy myself to deal with it.

Op, as someone with anxiety that sometimes needs to vent to their spouse.....I doubt you can change your spouse. I like to discuss decisions and get feedback and support. Is there a way you can lend an ear and internally emotionally distance yourself somewhat while outwardly being compassionate?

Same poster here. Just re read your post. Probably the dropping of household responsibilities is the most annoying aspect, no? I don’t really do that, I don’t think. In fact I think focusing on household tasks can be a way to distract me from my anxiety. Maybe you should focus on that aspect of it because it is concrete. He probably can’t turn off his anxiety and need to vent, but he should be able to put a load of laundry in while he is venting.

OP: Dropping the household responsibilities is one very annoying part of it, yes. He should be able to continue with them, but in his mind, he can't. He thinks of some work problem and then he has to go spend an hour combing through months' worth of work emails to make sure he didn't make (in his mind) a career-killing mistake. So that's at bedtime and sorry, no he cannot help with bedtime, it's an emergency. In his mind, it's perfectly justified because if someone was having a true work fire drill or some other crisis like a family member having a medical emergency, you'd help out by picking up the childcare/housework stuff right? Except this happens every week and the only emergency is in his head. So yeah, I have a lot of resentment and not a heck of a lot of patience anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is better than how my overworked anxious, inattentive husband deals with his stress: raging and yelling at people in the House for asking anything of him.

[Anonymous]

As someone with clinical and severe GAD, he NEEDS to be medicated. It's 1000% unfair for him to refuse that and act this way towards you and the kids. I will never forget, early in our marriage, when my generally kind-hearted and thoughtful husband said 'this isn't a marriage!' because my anxiety had overwhelmed him and dominated our relationship so much.

I'm medicated now, well over a decade later, and it's life changing.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I experienced this too. For 3 years, I was his crutch, and it negatively impacted all aspects of my life. He'd call me 10 times a day at work, freak out if I went out with friends and wasn't available, etc. I finally snapped and said that I would leave him if he didn't get on medication. It worked. He started medication and his anxiety improved tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone with clinical and severe GAD, he NEEDS to be medicated. It's 1000% unfair for him to refuse that and act this way towards you and the kids. I will never forget, early in our marriage, when my generally kind-hearted and thoughtful husband said 'this isn't a marriage!' because my anxiety had overwhelmed him and dominated our relationship so much.

I'm medicated now, well over a decade later, and it's life changing.

That's great it worked for you, but not everyone responds well to medication. There are non-medication approaches (I'm the PP who posted about CBT). Some have had success with mindfulness-based interventions, too. Different approaches work for different people--OP's husband didn't like meds when he tried before. He can either try again, try a different med regimen, or switch to a research-based non-medication treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is better than how my overworked anxious, inattentive husband deals with his stress: raging and yelling at people in the House for asking anything of him.

No, it isn't; they are both dynamics that are bad. And both of you should present your husbands with two envelopes - one with a list of therapists and one with a list of divorce lawyers, and tell them to pick one.

It is okay to ask you for support when they are doing everything they can to ameliorate the problem - therapy, medication, retreats in the woods, whatever. It is not okay to expect you to prop them up while they let their illness run wild.

They need to help themselves if they want help from you. You are the spouse, not the doctor.

[Anonymous]

You are not being unreasonable about this at all OP.

This is HIS issue so therefore HE needs to fix it.

He needs to get professional help for this.
Because it is unfair for him to bestow his misery unto his wife + children.